Disney Week: And Disney Created Woman...

I'm ending Disney Week with a regurgitation of a favorite bit updated for 2010.

Disney World has a major problem. Mother nature and her darned DNA can't make a woman that lives up to the standards created by the horny artists locked up in those Disney Studios. While standing in long lines in the hot sun, I expect the type of eye candy ol' Walt used to put up in Cinemascope. Instead I get this...

Ariel, The Little Mermaid

Ahhh, there is nothing like a sweet, innocent, half-fish, half-gorgeous teen, with beautiful C-shells. (For the purposes of this discussion lets assume she's at least 18. She got married in the movie and it didn't look like Arkansas.)

Okay, so the woman (I can't bring myself to say "actress") portraying Ariel is attractive but compared to the cartoon version she looks like yesterday's bait! Look at Ariel's body! What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to filet that tuna!

Belle

Poor, bookish Belle, alone in a spooky mansion with a beast that lisps like that half-a-fag Robbie Benson. Her only friends? A candle and a bunch of other household crap. God, she must have wanted to crush that loud-mouth teapot into a whole family of Chips.

Whoa, look at the mug on the human Belle. What rodent did she sleep with to get the job? What rodent did her mom sleep with to get that kid?

Jasmine

Jasmine, in a perpetual tie with Pocahontas for sexiest, non-white Disney babe, she's fallen a bit from grace what with Aladdin sitting in Guantanamo and her magic carpet perpetually grounded because her name keeps getting put on Homeland Security's "No Fly List."

Again, I'm sure the human Jasmine is cute when she dresses up as Chip 'n/or Dale but she doesn't even look Arabic (OK, that might a been what the suits in Orlando were going for). Look at the cartoon Jasmine! A 10-inch waist, a nice full B-cup, and more curves than the Saudi peninsula. Ya never had a friend like me, baby!

Aurora, Sleeping Beauty

I've never seen the movie Sleeping Beauty (at one point growing up I was a boy). I'm sure the story is very nice, involves her mother being dead and includes some lesbian-overtones with furry, little woodland creatures.


I think the human Aurora's been snoozing, after filling up with ribs at the Piglet cookout. They needed the leftover material from Jasmine's pants for that dress! The "real" Aurora looks more like a Barbie doll than a Barbie doll. Can a woman have a waist smaller than 10 inches? Where does she put her important stuff, like her stomache, intestines and gall bladder?

Cinderella

Ah, Cinderella, everyone's dream girl, always on her knees in front of her evil stepsisters, spending hours taking care of their wood floors. Scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, until they're both satisfied with her handiwork. Oh my, where was I? Oh yeah, blogging.

Now this Cinderella is cute in a girl-next-door-to-the-grain-elevator-you-can-get-drunk-with-some-Jack-and-Kool-Aid-and-cop-a-feel-kind-of-way. The real Cinderella looks more like a Barbie doll than Sleeping Beauty, 'cept she has that collar on. I like that collar. Where's my leash and my chew toy?

Jane, from Tarzan

Jane is hard to talk about 'cause I keep thinking of that big headed woman who did her voice, who women think is good-lookin' but we all know really isn't (except for Matt Damon but he was supposed to be an idiot savant Mic in that movie and can't really be taken seriously). She's kind of like Meryl Streep or maybe more like Glenn Close, I mean come on I would have been more likely to do John Lithgow than Glenn in that movie and she was wearing an old school nurse uniform which usually does the trick for me.

Let's just focus on the necks. The human Jane is cute, but cartoon Jane's neck is so thin you could wrap your thumb and forefinger around it -- twice. Why is that HOT!?! And while we're talking about necks that look like the stick in a Tootsie Blow Pop, what did Jane Jetson see in George?

Pocahontas

This was almost a tie! Apparently native americans are hot in acetate and human flesh. I asked for her number at Goofy's Beach Club Character Breakfast. She told me that her long tortuous relationship with John Smith had left her with a strong distaste for the white man. Damn English!

Of course the cartoon version has tom-toms the size of wigwams and a face that can not exist in the real world, especially on the Rez. Pocahontas' face is so caucasian that it looks like it belongs on one of those sexy goldfish from Walt's early days. She has no nose, just slits -- because fish breathe with gills, stupid. And if her eyes were any more spread apart, she would have no depth perception at all, but would be able to see a larger fish sneaking up on her from behind.

Minnie and Daisy

Actually, Minnie is kinda cute and what does it matter what the chick inside looks like? I'm going to make her keep the head on anyway. Daisy? She's keeping the whole suit on. I've yet to experience a cloaca.* Come to think of it, if she's only done it with Donald she's has no experience with external gentalia, so we're both in for a treat.

Update for 2010

Princess Tiana

Hottest African-American princess ever. Looking good in the flesh and as a computer graphic. I have no jokes because I am old and have not seen a Disney princess movie that's come out after 1999.

Alright I'll give it a try. The cartoon Tiana looks like she's fifteen so you know R. Kelly would hit it -- with piss. The human Tiana is way older and looks just like Phylicia Rashad, but I would hit it. Wait, it is Phylicia Rashad! Phylicia Rashad working at Disney World. It's sad but I'd still hit it.

That's what I get for trying. Next time I'll mail it in.

The highlight of my visit to Disney world was not the real life characters. Human Jasmine was a major disappointment. She was wearing a bathrobe with a hood and was showing less skin than Mary Poppins.

However, if you are a pervert, do not miss Mickey's Philharmagic. Jasmine and Ariel both make an appearance in glorious 3-D and shove their considerable assets right in your face. I instinctively whipped out my wallet and tired to shove a few bills into their g-strings.

Finally, take a look at Ariel, specifically where her body transforms from human to fish.

What is that adipose fin-like appendage that circles her waist and points directly at her vagina (if she has a vagina). It can't be used for propulsion and isn't even aerodynamic.

Here's a close up.

I did exhaustive research on mermaids on the internet for five minutes and found these guys.

None of them have Ariel's g-string-ish fin thing. So, the horny Disney artists must have invented it. I like to believe that they included a zipper hidden beneath her scales that allows for easy access.

Finally (for real this time), during my research I found this photo of Alyssa Milano dressed as a mermaid. Enjoy.

*Cloaca - the posterior opening that serves as the only such opening for the intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts of certain animal species. Some fish, and all birds, repitles and amphibians possess this orifice.