This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 10/4/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.
 

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Are fuller cheeks the secret to a younger-looking complexion? The new 'baby face' fillers that can fight the signs of aging
My Comment: Naturally big cheeks = pretty.
Bethenny Frankel fake cheeks and hollow, souless eyes = crypt keeper.

I know what you're thinking, I'm not really being fair to the Crypt Keeper.  Look at all that makeup Bethenny Frankel has caked on that freakish mug.

Damn, they could be twins.  Bethenny Frankel and the Crypt Keeper separated at birth? Vote here.

That really is a nose job! Chinese man has new nose grown on his FOREHEAD to replace the original which was damaged in a car crash
My Comment: If I photoshop a penis on my forehead can I be in the Daily Mail?

Turns out I can.

World's only one-armed professional DJ plays for thousands of clubbers
My Comment: Wow!  Can he sit on a couch and use a TV remote with that one arm?  I hope the next story is about the world's only one-legged guitar player.

Ouch. I must have been having a bad day at work. BTW, The Daily Mail ran a story in January 2012 about a British soldier that lost an arm in Afghanistan that was DJ-ing so I'm not sure about that "World's Only" title.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

'I can't control it': Khloe Kardashian battles dreaded camel toe…
My comment: When you're the ugliest Kardashian, showing off your prominent "nether crease" is probably a wise choice.  It distracts everyone from that butter face.  Rating ▲4

Poor Khloe!  Her husband is a crackhead, womanizing loser, and now, she's battling the dreaded camel toe.

I know you're disappointed in that Khloe Kardashian camel toe photo. You're right, I can do better. How about an extreme closeup of Khloe Kardashian's plump camel toe?

Now that's a camel toe! I've pulled this cheap joke before. I'm not a camel toe guy. I'm not even a Khloe Kardashian camel toe guy.

The Camel Toe

(or Cameltoe if you're from Kentucky)

The slight indication that a woman may have

an orifice concealed under her clothing

that we all know she has.

 

 

Simon Cowell sports mystery graze on his forehead as he enjoys cosy dinner with pregnant Lauren Silverman
My Comment: I have a theory. Too much ego for his skull. Simon has sprung a leak. On a happier note, the wife of his best friend, that he impregnated, looks great! Rating ▲ 21

How typically hypocritical of the Left, who danced on the grave of Mrs Thatcher, to be upset about debate...
My Comment: The next time I'm in England I'd like to dance on the grave of Margaret Thatcher. How do you get to go to the parties? Special invite or can I buy them online?  Thanks. Rating ▲ 1

Worst freeking week ever! Nothing but green.  The last time I called Khloe the ugliest Kardashian I got 400 red arrows. Are they growing tired of her drama queen antics?  We have Jesus, the Brits have Simon Cowell. Can they no longer turn the other cheek when he injects his sperm into the fertile womb of his best friend's wife?  Margaret Thatcher?  Margaret Fucking Thatcher?

The world makes no sense.

My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.  This review is based on the first two episodes only. That's two hours. That's enough. WIP nomenclature and other stuff stolen from Adventures in Nerdliness.

When I'm sitting alone on my couch, there is nothing I like better than a good Women in Prison movie, except maybe, watching porn or telenovelas on the Spanish channels.

Women in Prison movies MUST contain the following to make me happy:

Must Have 1: Innocent Newbie - that just doesn't belong in prison.

The wrongly accused heroine that doesn't fit in.  She should be attractive with big, puppy dog eyes. OITNB has a blonde yuppie named Piper that was cured of her lesbianism by Jason Biggs. Euwww!!!

If the most gorgeous woman in the world sleeps with Jason Biggs (Euwww!!!) without getting paid, that immediately drops her to an 8.  If a blonde yuppie sleeps with Jason Biggs (Euwww!!!) and we have to watch it, and his boobs are bigger than hers?  That transends euwww, that's fucking gross.

If the Head Bitch In Charge gets her pal the Russian hit man to kill Jason Biggs while he's wearing a shirt and she stops having flashbacks to Jason Biggs being charming, she would be okay -- maybe one of the lipstick lesbians can give her some mascara and blue eyeshadow.

Must Have 2: Linda Blair - as innocent newbie.

Nope. She's not even a warden in a ridiculously short skirt.

Must Have 3: Head Bitch in Charge - to scare the innocent newbie and provide big boobs.

The Head Bitch in Charge is Red, a Russian cook with a bad back. I think she's the same actress that was the scary mom in Goonies that threatens to put Chunk's hand in a blender. Sadly, she's not so scary anymore. 

Red apears to be a new kind of Head Bitch In Charge.  Instead of hitting, whipping or forced pussy eating, she attempts to starve Piper.  Starving can take a long time, especially when a prisoner can exchange sad looks for candy or hot peppers.

This Head Bitch In Charge sucks, and not literally.

Don't you dare fall asleep or these bad mothers are gonna tuck you in and kiss your forehead.

Must Have 4: Shower Scene - to provide gratuitous nudity.

Yes! A shower scene.  But what's with the curtains?  There are no shower curtains in prison.  The first thing that every warden cuts from the budget when it's belt-tightening time is the shower curtains.   Shower curtains prevent group showering! What kind of prison is this?

Prison showers should be one big, tiled room with lots of shower heads and even more naked women.


Must Have 5: The Gauntlet - to show that prison is not going to be all fun and crafts.

Again, there was The Gauntlet, but it was the worst The Gauntlet ever. The Gauntlet is supposed to make the innocent newbie feel helpless and exposed. This was one catcall and a big pillow to hug that hid her boobage and anxiety.  I'm surprised she didn't have her favorite blanky and a Hello Kitty doll with a photo of Jason Biggs in a heart shaped necklace.

Walking through the mall entrance at Macys with those perfume chicks spritzing you with unwanted cologne is more of an ordeal.

Must Have 6: Big Butch Female Guards - self-explanatory.

There are no big, butch, female guards.  The guards are three men that are the least butchy guards in the history of prisons.

The main guard, I'll call him Freddie Mercury, looks like he could be in a Village People tribute band that has a steady Tuesday night gig at a Ramada Motor Lodge in suburban Indiana. That's him on the right.

If Jason Biggs was visiting his fiance, he might feel threatened, but no woman would. 

The second guard looks 14, and in keeping with my musical theme, would be the guy that sings the high, girly stuff in a boy band.  He's the slightly fuzzy guy that looks like he was photoshopped on to an image of Big Time Rush.

Do you know which guy in a boy band should never be a prison guard?  The member of the band that a 10 year old could imagine having her first kiss with.  Even Jason Biggs wouldn't be threatened by this guy, in fact Jason might be tempted to wrap his significant man boobs around this guy, finish him off, and say thank you with a sweet kiss on the cheek and a Hello Kitty doll.

The third guard looks like Curly Joe from The Three Stooges. The good Curly couldn't even land a chick.  This guy has no chance.

Must Have 7: Rapey Warden Pimp - because the Head Bitch In Charge is still just a bitch.

It's not clear who is in charge of this so-called prison.  There is an old guy in a big office that wears a uniform that is so nice, it's creepy. He also hates lesbians every other minute so he might be the chaplin.  He's kind of scary and has potential.  I don't see him recruiting Piper into his secret, prisoner prostitute ring but he may make her sit in his lap. That would be hot.

So, on the standard Linda Blair Getting Ready to Go Roller Skating (because sadly, there is no image of Linda Blair getting psychically molested by Scott Baio on the internet) where 1 Linda Blair is the quality of Exorcist 2 and 5 Linda Blairs is Freaky Friday with me switching places with Rick James and spending the rest of my life with Linda Blair, I give Orange is the New Black 1 Linda Blairs (it's not zero because I wanted to see one version of Linda at 100% transparency).

Other articles by my dick:

My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

The Week in Alba - 9/27/13

My weekly recap of The Daily Mail's obsession with Jessica Alba

Here are this week's scintillating scotoma of Jessica Alba articles:

Sept. 21: Jessica Alba Dons Quirky Shades
Sept. 22: Flower power! Jessica Alba and her Daughter Coordinate in Floral Ensembles
Sept. 23: Jessica Alba and Daughter Bond Over Pampering Session
Sept. 23: Jessica Alba Displays her Slender Legs
Sept. 24: Jessica Alba Takes Us Behind the Scenes
Sept. 24: I Can Wear Shorts Now
Sept. 27: Jessica Alba Flashes her Toned Waist in a Crop Top
Sept. 27: Anyone for Diapers? Jessica Alba Turns Sexy Saleswoman

Jessica Alba has a bounce back week as she records 10 articles in The Daily Mail.  Either the zit on her nose receeded into her epidermis or she sent a pajamagram to Uncle Rupert. Perhaps Jessie was in the pajamas that arrived at the Murdoch stately estate?

Body parts, her daughter (Jessica Alba IS a great mom), and a diaper pitch were the headlines of the week.

And because I know what you want, and I know how much traffic this will generate to my little blog, I present a Jessica Alba Bonus!

Jessica Alba Sexy Feet Bonus

Jessica Alba's sexy feet looking all hot as she receives a pedicure. Yummy. Toes. Red Naughty Monkey Peek A Boo Pumps. Almost there? Here you go.

Are we finished now?  Good.

You're welcome and now you owe me. Here's the deal. If we ever end up in a hot, sweaty threesome with Jessica Alba, you can have her feet, if I can have all the rest of her.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Harry Potter fan left spellbound by boyfriend's wizard-themed wedding proposal
My Comment: She must be Slytherin because that boyfriend looks just like Voldemort. Hope they don't have kids.

How a newborn baby really can smell good enough to eat
My Comment: Looks like that woman is about to eat some delicious white meat. I'm told it tastes like chicken.

Look away Lamar! Khloe forgets her marriage woes as she parties with The Game.
My Comment: It's a good thing she's wearing her wedding ring when her hand is buried in his crotch. People might get the wrong idea.

In order to get my comment, you have to have read the article. Thank God The Daily Mail reported that Khloe was still wearing her wedding ring because I was worried about her marriage. 

How they noticed her wedding ring but missed the handjob we'll never know.

Is this Britain's smallest dog?
My Comment: I thought Kate Moss was Britain's smallest dog.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

CNBC host Joe Kernen under fire for adopting Indian accent and asking if rupees 'were good at 7-Eleven'
My Comment: He's probably trying to get a higher paying job at Fox. Rating ▼6

Ted Cruz vows to speak 'until he can no longer stand' as he rises in opposition to Obamacare
My Comment: Ted Cruz is a joke. Send him back to Canada where he belongs. Rating ▼24

I hate Ted Cruz so much I can't even be funny about him. But not being funny is better for the red arrows.

I've heard of self-hating Jews, but Ted Cruz is my first self-hating immigrant. Ted, your dad, Rafael Cruz came here from Cuba and we didn't throw him back into the sea. Maybe we should have.

Cheerful Kate Gosselin dons a colourful figure-hugging dress as she promotes her new cookbook.
My Comment: When is the last time this fake floozy cooked? Step 1: Text your housekeeper what you want to eat. Step 2: Eat. Rating ▲29

Honestly, I had no clue who Kate Gosselin was. I knew from her look that she was reality TV. When I googled her, the reality of a millionare that spends all of her waking moments self-promoting taking the time to cooking for her 8 kids was too much to bear.  I thought she would be a favorite of the right-minded, check out those big boobs! Apparently, she is no Kardashian.

Mother paralysed in a car crash is woken from a coma by her son who then chews her food and mouth feeds her
My Comment: He thinks he's a bird! Cute. Rating ▲24

Two green arrowed comments in the same week. Eff me and eff irony.

It just keeps getting shorter! Hillary Clinton debuts new, layered bouffant haircut
My Comment: Hillary Clinton looks better every year while Sarah Palin gets uglier. It's called karma! Rating ▼76

I know. Too easy. You try getting one through the censors.

Besides, I believe it. I've written about this before. Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have the same face type. Recently, Sarah has gotten some weird, old woman stuff growing on her neck and her eyes look like a murder of big, fat crows have stomped on her face. And don't get me started on the cankles.  Don't believe me? Check this out, Rupert.

That's a photo of Hillary when she was 49, Sarah Palin's current age. That's Sarah this year. Over on the right is Sarah's mom when she was 65, Hillary Clinton's current age.

It's fricking eerie how much they look alike. And who knew Hillary was so damn doable? Hillary was a milf!

The Week in Alba

My weekly recap of The Daily Mail's obsession with Jessica Alba (fast becoming my obsession).

Here are this week's scintillating scotoma of Jessica Alba articles:

Sept. 11: Style Maven Jessica Alba Leads the Fashion Pack
Sept. 11: Jessica Alba Puts on a Sideshow
Sept. 12: Jessica Alba Outshines the Catwalk Models
Sept. 13: Bad News for Microsoft! Jessica Alba Spotted with i-Phone
Sept. 15: Mommy's Little Fashionista! Jessica Alba's Mni-Me Daughter
Sept. 15: Jessica Alba shows Off her Eclectic Style

Only six articles this week, down from last week's ten.  Possible reasons for this decline include she is in hiding because she got a zit or Rupert Murdoch has moved on to another lover. I'm going with Rupert Murdoch getting bored because a zit on Jessica Alba's nose would be a front page story at The Daily Mail.

Even More Rejected Daily Mail Comments

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Newlywed wife pushed her husband off a CLIFF
My comment: She looks like a lot of fun while he looks like a stiff (no pun intended).
When she gets off on a technicality, I'd love to play a few games of Eskimo Hunter and the Horny Walrus.

Only the Daily Mail capitalizes a whole word when it's not WORLD WAR III. I think we were all expecting the wife to push the husband off the bed so it's a good thing cliff jumps out at you.

Sheer daring! Miranda Kerr causes a stir in see-through blouse
My comment: Slather those pancakes with butter and Aunt Jemima's and then you would have a good photo and a story worth telling.

That outfit wouldn't cause a stir in an orthodox temple on Yom Kippur. Sometimes the Daily Mail editors need to be reminded what constitutes the news. I hate to step on Rupert Murdoch's toes but "Wake up Daily Mail editors!"

It's as easy as counting 1, 2... Wait, that's it. Two, two protruding nipples.

Naughty and nice! Tiffani Thiessen shows off her impressive cleavage
My comment:
Cleavage - the space between a woman's breasts when visible by a low-cut neckline
Big Breasts - breasts that are big.
There is a difference. Is it just me or does Tiffani Thiessen look like Ted Kennedy in drag. No cleavage but impressive jowls.

I think we were both expecting Kelly from Saved By The Bell to be dressed up as Mrs. Claus with a gaping, chasm beween her massive breasts that a newlywed wife could push her husband into.

Occasionally, the internet really disappoints. When I googled "Ted Kennedy in drag," I really thought I was going to get a vintage photo of young Teddy at Harvard in a performance by the Hasty Pudding Club.  Nothing.  But I did learn that he was recruited by the Green Bay Packers as a defensive end.

Maybe cleavage means something else in England? This beautiful example showed up today, fresh from the Jay Leno show. This my English friends is good, old fashioned American cleavage. I would so sign up for a raft trip through that canyon.

If you can identify the owner of this cleavage I will send you a rare, "How to Eat P*ssy" UncleMelon.com t-shirt.*

Wasn't it thoughtful of this celebrity to put up a warning sign for newlyweds looking for a dramatic backdrop? I went searching for additional signs on her body and found these.

Still thoughful but not that friendly. So I dug into the archives.

Same celebrity back when she was a little more welcoming.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

The girl with the very low-cut dress: Rooney Mara wows in plunging LBD for Calvin Klein post-show party
My Comment: She is so much hotter with all the piercings, and tats, and cool hairdo. In these photos, she kind of looks like my mom. Plain.   Rating ▼ 15

Admittedly, not my best work but this was tough week and I'm glad I got anything through. Daily Mail readers love wholesome; tattoos, piercings and unusual eye shadow frighten them.

America's first Muslim fraternity where prayer and charity replace drinking and parties
My Comment: Pious, sober and smart is no way to go through life, son. Seem like a nice bunch of guys. I think joining the Muslim Brotherhood would be more fun.   Rating ▼  60

When I got this masterful, re-working of a classic line from Animal House through the censors, I thought I was about to enter negative comment nirvana.  WTF? You get way more negativity when you defend Justin Bieber's manliness.

Bonus Halloween Mask

Finally, just in time for Halloween, a cut-out mask of Ted Kennedy. I had it left over from the above Photoshop hackjob and figured I'd share.

Put on your best, Sunday-Go-To-Meeting suit and this mask, and scare the crap out of John Boehner. Maybe he'll cry.

* Disclaimer: Friends, family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this contest.

The Week in Alba: The Daily Mail's Obsession with Jessica Alba

The Daily Mail is obsessed with Jessica Alba. Now, I know that she is a rightwing nutjob that infamously trashed the Screenwriters Guild when it went on strike, and she's hot, but does she deserve more than an article a day?  Jessica must be banging Rupert Murdoch or paying the Daily Mail for the exposure.

Here are this week's Jessica Alba articles:

Sept. 10: Jessica Alba Takes Daughter to Zoo
Sept 9: Jessica Alba the Stylish Mom takes a Break
Sept 9: Style Maven Jessica Alba Leads the Fashion Pack
Sept 8: The Perfect Day! Jessica Alba Explores NY with Daughter
Sept 7: Jessica Alba Can't Stop Taking Pictures of her Daughter
Sept 6: Boom! Jessica Alba is Back on Fashion Form
Sept. 5: Jessica Alba Flashes Toned Tummy
Sept. 5: Jessica Alba Goes from Yummy Mummy to Just Plain Mumsy
Sept. 3: Jessica Alba and her Daughter Wear Swimsuits
Sept 2: Jessica Alba Reveals her Trim Figure

Not exactly newsworthy or titilating stuff.  Jessica didn't open a blockbuster movie over the weekend, show off her baby bump or twerk with a dwarf yet she got 10 articles. Those are Kardashian numbers!

All KKK of them.

More Rejected Daily Mail Online Comments

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. You have to get your comments through Rupert Murdoch's warehouses full of censors.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Baby Face Bieber Reveals his Little Whiskers in Failed Attempt to Make his Look More Manly
My Comment: The moustache looks great!  Justin is THE man!!! Soon he'll be growing pubes, probably.

Couple Born in Same Hospital on Same Day Celebrate Golden Wedding Anniversary After Marrying as Childhood Sweethearts
My Comment: They should try to die in the same car crash, then it would be an actual story.

Never trust a Daily Mail headline. The headline states that they were born on the same day.  The very first sentence of the article states that they were born only days apart. Probably they were born in hospitals only miles apart within the same the year.

'I Made History': Miley Cyrus Compares Herself to Pop Icons Britney Spears and Madonna as She Speaks Out to Defend her Raunchy VMAs Performance
My Comment: Miley has more talent in her tongue than Britney has in her entire body!  BTW, how can a girl with that many chins have no butt?

Seriously, if your chins are gonna jiggle than your butt better jiggle too.

And also seriously, Miley can do special things with her tongue. It can go from a flat slab of meat to a angry red-headed, worm-like appendage that looks quite a bit like a cat's penis.

Short Miley Cyrus Aside
Later in the week there was a story about Miley Cyrus twerking a bunch of dwarves live on German TV.  WTF? When I went to comment, and I had at least 27 different comments involving twerking dwarves, I found the comment section locked. 

Unable to accept comments for legal reasons?  Did Rupert Murdoch cave in to the NAASP (National Association for the Advancement of Short People) without a fight?  So many comments dressed up with nowhere to go.

Tragic! Remote-Control Helicopter Stunt Pilot Decapitates Himself
My Comment: Tragic?  Stupid! The guy really used his head when it came to those helicopter stunts. Maybe he should have used his brain.

I quickly scanned the article for permission to make fun of a dead guy with no lag time and found it. "The [youtube] video culminates with him dropping the $1,500 model from the sky, only to restart the rotor when it is just inches from his head." And he didn't decapitate himself. There was no actual head rolling like on Game of Thrones. The rotors cut off  "a piece of his head."

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

'I just want to meet my friend Kim': Dennis Rodman returns to North Korea but ditches promise to help imprisoned American
My Comment: Dennis Rodman was the ultimate team player. He was NOT a thug. Just ask Michael Jordan. If Kim Kardashian was hooking up with Kim you guys would be all wanting to marry the guy. If Kim married Kim Jong Un it would be confusing because she would be Kim Jong Un too. Rating ▼  9

I thought defending Dennis Rodman would be comment gold.  Not so much. I think I know why.

New mum, new hair! Kim Kardashian goes blonde and debuts her slim post-pregnancy figure in skinny jeans as she steps out with baby North
My Comment: Kim looks even fatter as a blonde. Do you think the carpet matches the drapes?
Rating   5

The Daily Mail loves Kim Kardashian. Daily Mail readers really, really love Kim Kardashian.  So how the heck did I get the dreaded green arrows? I think my mistake with both comments is that I included obvious humor.

Even rightwing nutjobs like to laugh.