Omar Minaya: Regrets? I've Had a Few, But Then Again, Too Few to Mention...

When asked if he had any regrets, General Manager Omar Minaya answered with,

"No, I mean, well, no. I don't regret. I don't, I don't regret saying. I mean I regret saying, you know, you know what I'm saying. I mean, I stand by the things that I said, but I don't regret, I regret saying, that in that forum. That was not the proper forum."


Do you think the Wilpons regret not firing Omar Minaya?

A Big Thank You to Rickey Henderson

Heartfelt thanks to Rickey Henderson for the thoughtful gift.

Even with all the festivities up in Cooperstown, Mr. Henderson found the time to bring me back a bottle of Costa Rican hot sauce from his recent vacation before heading for the Hall of Fame.

The sauce is very tasty. However, on the hotness scale, 10 being Vanessa Hudgens and 1 being your wife and/or girlfriend, this sauce is a Liza Minelli (Thanks, Steve).

Hot it ain't.

Maureen Dowd's Cameltoe

This morning I was perusing the visitor statistics for this blog and discovered that one of the ten visitors I had yesterday got here by typing "Maureen Dowd cameltoe" into google.

For those Yankee fans out there that only get their news from the Post and Fox, that's Ms. Dowd over there on the right. She's a columnist for the New York Times that writes humorously scathing articles about Bushs and Clintons. She's kinda good looking for a reporter that writes stuff. Not ridiculously good looking like the fake Newsday reporter in Crocodile Dundee, but okay for a real woman. She's an almost 5.

If I was sitting across from her on an R train and caught some serious cameltoe, I'm not sure if I would get an erection or nauseous.

To be fair and balanced, back when I was writing regularly for National Lampoon, an article Ms. Dowd wrote bumped a bit I wrote. My bit was a very funny and clever Christmas satire with Bush and Cheney and Scrooge by way of the Blackadder.  Ms. Dowd's was this Santa Claus thing that was not-so-funny and not-so-original. Why was a Pulitzer prize winning reporter submitting to Lampoon? And I was planning on using that $350 for Christmas presents! And fake redheads don't usually do it for me!

So some guy is looking for relief and figures a nice photo of Maureen Dowd's cameltoe is going to put him over the top. How did he get here?

We're Number 1! We're Number 1! We're the number 1 site for Maureen Dowd Cameltoe. Who knew? So, why are we number 1?
Because Rickey Henderson wrote the following in a comment a couple of months ago:

Would Maureen Dowd's cameltoe have kept you at the NYTimes website? Rickey suspects so...
Unfortunately for me, in the whole frickin' world, there is only one pervert with a computer interested in this particular toe. Hey Rickey, next time can you do me a favor and work "Erin Andrews cameltoe" into a comment?

PC Team Names

From the PtB archives: Rather than write another depressing post about the cluster-eff that is the Mets, I'm posting an old bit. My excuse is that they are in Atlanta. I've updated it for 2009 by adding Omir Santos. It amazes me that I took so much time drawing each guy yet I totally screwed up the glove. It's at least three sizes to small and for those of you that grew up on Village Hill Drive looks just like Joey Apicella's old mitt. I'm going to blame all the oxycontin I was popping for my ruptured achilles tendon.

As always, these bits are not intended for the faint of heart, pregnant women or the discriminating reader.

The Mets are heading down to the deep south to play a certain team that has a name that offends all the PC police. See if you can pick out the real team from all the made up teams I've assembled here on my blog.

Team: Terre Haute Fighting Dagos

History: The third most famous fighting team after the Irish and the Gamecocks, this Chicago White Sox affiliate got its name after the owner, Bill Hancock, watched his Italian gardener beat up his Irish maid.

Mascot: His Holiness Pope George Ringo II

Mascot Antics: No visit to the old War Memorial is complete without the traditional running of the Papist during the 7th inning stretch. A young boy between the ages of 8 and 12 is selected at random from the crowd, dressed in an altar boy costume and sent out on the field. The bells ring and the boy races for the centerfield gate with the Papist close behind. If the boy gets there first, he wins knockwurst for his entire section. If the Papist catches him, well, we're talking a different kind of wurst.

Fills that holywater thing with Budweiser and the crowd opens up to receive communion!

Famous Alumni: Rico Petrocelli, Phil Rizutto and Tony C.

---

Team: Nashville Jewboys

History: This Double A member of the Southern League used to be called the Nashville Jigaboos until some savvy marketing guy noticed that while there were no Jews in the crowd, they were a couple of Jigaboos. After the name change, the cheap seats were always full.

Mascot: Rebe Schlomo

Mascot Antics: The Rebe keeps the crowd rolling in the aisles with his childish ways. Eyes light up when he gives away one of his ridicuously large crackers that he calls matzohs. During the 7th inning stretch this "meshugeh" mascot has been known to blow a chauffer or drink the blood of a God fearing Christian.

Famous Alumni: Sandy Koufax, Hank Greenberg, Art Shamsky and Rod Carew.

---

Team: Atlanta Braves

History: The Braves started out in Boston but Bostonians wanted to name their team after a pair of socks so they moved to Milwaukee but Milwaukians wanted to name their team after beer so they moved to Atlanta.

Mascot: Chief Knockahoma

Mascot Antics: Formerly the Chief of the Creek Nation, Knockahoma sold out his tribe for a dry teepee in the leftfield bullpen and a whole lot of wampum. So while the rest of the Creek cried their way to Oklahoma, Chief Knockahoma does a little dance after every hometeam homerun.Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, Tomahawk Chop or are they heiling Chipper Jones? Hanoi Jane knows.

Famous Alumni: John "White Rat with Mouth of Squaw" Rocker.

---

Team: Jacksonville Men's Room Attendants

History: Formally known as the Jacksonville Watutsi, the team changed its name to be more politically correct in the late 80's after some protesting by the local rabble rousers.

Mascot: ol' Willie

Mascot Antics: Changed the name but kept the mascot. Instead of a bone in his nose, ol' Willie gets tangled in the TP and then asks the crowd for tips. Invariably, the crowd chants "Get a Job!" and the bleachers erupt in laughter.

ol' Willie will loan you his comb and slap on some aftershave, just don't tinkle on his shoes!

Famous Alumni: Joe Black, Kevin Brown, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown and Alvin Dark.

---

Team: Lackawanna Camel Jockeys

History: Famous for their "Homeland Defense" strategy, this minor league team is currently on hiatus pending military tribunals. Always popular with visiting Kings and Shah's, the Lackawanna/Nashville rivalry often leads to bloodshed.

Mascot: A-hab the A-rab

Mascot Antics: During the 7th inning stretch A-hab, with sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest, chases down groundskeepers dressed in yarmulkes. When he catches them they all "explode" in a cloud of smoke, leaving the happy Mullah dancing in tattered clothes. On special events night local police take turns beating the mascot with nightsticks. Twice a game he lays out a blanket on top of the dugout, faces east and prays for a comeback.

Famous Alumni: Omar Vizquel, Omir Santos and Khalil Greene.

---

Team: Cleveland Indians

History: The lesser known team by the lake, the Indians have a storied history of success, drawing incredible crowds that seem to breed and expand during extra-inning games. While attending these games is fun, don't try ordering an all beef hotdog.

Mascot: Mahatma

Mascot Antics: Mahatma thrills the crowd by drinking his own urine, demonstrating his abstinence by ignoring the advances of a tipsy Suzyn Waldman, and telling an off-color Bangladeshi joke now and again. When the opposing team homers, he immolates himself (and a few fans) using petrol and an incense burner.

Every Tueday is Leper Night. All lepers that purchase a general admission ticket get a cherry Slurpee at half price.

Famous Alumni: R. Swoboda

---

Team: Rock Ridge Drunken Irish

History: The town wanted something Irish and "fighting" was already taken. Besides the only real fighting the Irish ever do is killing themselves, and that's not good for team unity.

Mascot: Hank the Angry Leprechuan

Mascot Antics: A drunken, angry Hank leaves a trail of green vomit wherever he goes. Buy him a Big Beer and in return, Hank will shower you with gold, if you know what I mean. Once in the playoffs with the score tied and the bases loaded, the manager sent Hank in to pinch hit. Instead of drawing a game winning base-on-balls, Hank dry-humped the umpire's leg resulting in immediate ejaculation.

Famous Alumni: Roberto Kelly, Fred McGriff and Chone Figgins.

---

Team: Massachusetts Mid-Level Managers

History: Formed in the mid-70's by that leftist, half-wit Ted Kennedy to avoid any possible insult to any type of human being with any type of behavior and/or belief that might not represent majority or minority thinking, the Middies never keep score so as to not hurt anyone's feelings.

Mascot: Ronnie Rainbow changes his/her head every inning.

Mascot Antics: Handing out "Have a Nice Day" smiley faces and taunting umps when they yell "Yer Out" and "Strike," or "Yer Safe" and "Ball." Spends a lot of time on the cell phone. When wearing the disabled head, Ronnie has fun spelling out Massachusetts in American Sign Language.

Famous Alumni: Frank Off-White, Bill Navajo-White and Roy Oatmeal-White.

Even FOX Sports Hates Obama

Six hundred cameras and FOX misses President Obama's first pitch. We get to see his windup and then, nothing. Not even a replay. What the eff?

I found the video on MLB.com. It's not enough pressure throwing a baseball in front of millions of viewers, they have to line up the surviving members of the Gashouse Gang behind home plate. Imagine if President Obama had accidently nailed Red Schoen­dienst in the head. Think FOX would have been able to show that 1200 times from 600 different angles. Bill O'Reilly would have done a week on it.

My Review

Obama may have short armed the ball (New York fans get to see Jeter and Wright short arm throws several times a week), but I liked the jeans, the jacket and the jogging -- and the arm pump after. Maybe in seven years, President Obama will become a lefthanded reliever instead of building houses for the less fortunate, or making boatloads of money working for the Bin Ladens.

Chief Justice Roseanne Barr!!! I mean Sonia Sotomayor!!!

Is it just me or does Sonia Sotomayor look just like Roseanne Barr?

I keep expected Tom Arnold to lean in and whisper something in her ear.

David Wright, a Joke

Mr. Met: Did you hear that All Star David Wright is going to participate in the 2009 Home Run Derby?

Lady Met: Really?

Mr. Met: Yeah, they needed another guy to run around in the outfield and catch flyballs!


I never claimed it was a good joke.



Isn't it about time that someone told David the old Ralph Kiner quote?



Home run hitters date Molly Beers, singles hitters date hometown steers.






I know you jokers, it looks like David Wright in a wig but it isn't. I asked her if she was a woman and she said yes. I asked if she would be willing to date David Wright this year and she said yes. She's Janice from Astoria. She's nice and plain.

Jesus Christ, Jeter Christ, Derek Jeter Messes Up!

Derek Jeter messes up. His bone head move probably cost the Yankees a game and a sweep of Toronto and all anybody wants to talk about is the ump.

Because Jesus Jeter is infallible

Of course, unlike the real Jesus, Jeter did not turn the other cheek. Embarassed by his Little League mistake, he threw the umpire under the bus. That's a bad "Pinstriped Prince of Peace."

The ump blew the call. It happens. Then, finding himself in an unwanted audience with a vengeful "Fisherman of Wins," he stumbled on his words and now may be excommunicated.

I got to listen to this play described on the radio by the Yankee announcers. So, I had no clue what was happening. John Sterling thought Jeter was out by a mile (for you out of towners, the poor, old man has very bad eyesight). He couldn't be bothered to look at the monitor for the replay but assigned the task to his color commentator, Suzyn Waldman. She got distracted by Jeter arguing.

This manly display by the Yankee Son of God shortstop caused her to audibly moan as another cunt bunny was ejected onto the floor of the Lowe's broadcasting booth. BTW, you can buy an authentic game used Waldman cunt bunny here.

For anybody that knows anything about the game of baseball let me remind you that Jeter got thrown out trying to steal third with no outs. I waited for the mandatory lecture about not making the first or third out at third base. That's what announcers do. They have to. It's in their contracts. It's mandated by Major League Baseball, Inc.

Nope. It was Jeter. Not a single mention about the bad baseball play. Bad fundamental baseball. Even after the next batter singled -- which would have driven Jeter home from second easily.

Hey Yankee fans, how do you listen to this crap, game after game?

Obligatory Michael Jackson Post

From the PtB Archives

Okay, an inevitable post about the recent trainwreck -- not the Mets, the Man in the Mirror.

"You should do a bit about Michael Jackson. Now, that would be funny."

You don't know how many times I've heard that lately. God forbid they should leave a comment so it looks like someone visits. No, its always face to face.

Problem is, I don't find Michael Jackson's death that funny. All that talent, all that money, wasted.

But I am here to please the three readers I have, so I'm going to repost an old Michael Jackson bit from back when he was alive and an old movie that you probably don't remember was in the theaters, Bad Santa.

To be honest I don't find the bit that funny. It was from a time when we were posting a bit a week for some reason I can't remember. I think casting lil' Michael as the dwarf was clever. Oh, and I do not include these photoshops in my portfolio. So now, for the guys at work, I give you Really Bad Santa starring Michael Jackson...

Really Bad Santa

Starring Michael Jackson

Before Bad Santa there was Really Bad Santa, a movie even the Farelly brothers wouldn't touch. The Melonosky brothers tried to cast Bill Murray, but he was too busy playing golf in France, they tried Billy Bob, but he was too busy beating an ex-wife, and then they found Michael. The role appealed both to Michael's inner child and the child he was in. Although never released due to legal wranglings with the distributor and Mr. Jackson's fifth amendment rights regarding self incrimination, I kept some stills from the set of some critical scenes. As you can tell, Bad Santa (playing at a theatre near you) is a blatant rip-off of our earlier work. An incredibly subtle, comic performance by lil' Michael Jackson, as Santa's little helper, who helps Santa find little helpers, almost saves the film.

Fade out.
Roll credits.

$70,000,000 of Boo-Boos

There are nine teams with smaller payrolls than the Mets DL including my third favorite team, the classy Minnesota Twins.

Our Lovable Ragtag Bunch of Scrappy Blue Collar Guys

In my last post, I affectionately called the latest version of the Mets a "motley bunch of scrappy bush leaguers." Baseball salaries are effing unfathomable so I attempted to put a price tag on the players the Mets fielded last night. Data are from Cots' Baseball Contracts, basically it's salary plus prorated bonus. I assigned Santos, Switzer and F. Martinez the league minimum (I know Martinez got a big bonus when he was 16 but I don't know the length of his contract.).

Starting Lineup
$2,000,000 Cora
$401,000 Murphy
$7,750,000 Wright

$1,700,000 Tatis
$2,800,000 Church

$400,000 Santos

$925,000 Reed
$6,250,000 Castillo

$2,250,000 Redding

Subs:
$409,500 Stokes
$400,000 Switzer

$400,000 F. Martinez

$9,166,667 F. Rodriguez

The Mets starting nine have a combined salary of $24,476,000. Add the subs (including don't call me K-Rod) and the total is $34,852,167.

So they can't compare to the Yankees 80 million dollar infield, but that ain't chicken scratch. Those 13 guys make about what the Florida Marlins entire roster will make in 2009.

Luis Castillo Giveth and He Taketh Away

Luis Castillo made a play last night that was as good as his drop last week was bad. Ranging way to the right, Castillo dove for the ball, got to his knees, and threw the strongest four hop throw to first that you will ever see.

No hype. Great play.

Castillo also went 3 for 3 with an rbi and two runs scored.

Wow, a positive post. I have discovered that positive posts are rare in sports blogs. This is especially true if a.) you are attempting to be funny and b.) your team is under performing. From now to the allstar break, with the Mets playing a slew of tough teams while sending out a motley bunch of scrappy bush leaguers, I will try my best to avoid typos.

Shameless Plug: The Vermont BJ Company

From the PtB Archives:I reposted a Father's Day Classic, The Vermont BJ Company.

This bit has a special place in comedy history. It was the first time National Lampoon ever rejected one of my submissions. It was called The Vermont BJ Company or How to Write a Funny Article for National Lampoon. Why did they reject it? I'll give you three guesses.

Was it not dirty enough for the frat boys? It's called Vermont BJ Company! Next.

Was it not funny enough? I wrote it! Next.

They were afraid of being sued? This is the U.S. of effing A. Satire and parody are protected under the first amendment, and by satire and parody, they mean any lame attempt at humor even if its not satire or parody, e.g., The Onion.

They rejected it because it made fun of National Lampoon.

That's when I realized that this was not my daddy's National Lampoon.

Is Luis Castillo Smarter than a Little Leaguer?

What's that, Luis? You want catching pop ups for $1,000?

Okay, when catching a pop up should you use one hand or two hands?

You look hesitant. Would you like to use you life line? Sure. Who is it? Gary Sheffield? Uh oh. Why not ask Lakeisha up there. She seemed very confident when she wrote down her answer. No? Okay. What is you answer?

Is Luis Castillo smarter than a Little Leaguer? No.

Look, he's going to catch that pop up 99,998 times out of 100,000. If he uses two hands, he's going to catch that pop up 99,999 times. Maybe that one time is going to be in the ninth inning, with two outs, and two on, up by one, against the hated Yankees, with the despicable Alex Rodriguez at the plate.

Luis, if you use two hands, maybe you catch it. If you use two hands, you definitely won't have to hear about it on sports talk radio from every dick with a phone.

Biden Bid to Bury Boner Beneath Begonias

There's no journalism like Rupert Murdoch journalism -- I'll let you fill in the punchline.

Biden Bid to Bury Boner. Now that's what I call an alliteration!

How about, Illustrative Illiteration Inuendo? I can do it, too.

Except that nobody under 35 knows the dictionary definition of boner. When normal people hear the word boner they think, penis, erection, dick, cock (please note that I put in the extra effort and arranged those words in decending order based on the likelihood of one of them being said by Laura Bush when she's sober. That's the kind of craftsmanship you've come to expect at PtB).

bon·er (bō'ner) n. [Slang] a stupid or silly blunder

When I first read this headline my brain, along with every other brain reading the New York Post, finished it with "in Michelle Obama!" My unique combination of OCD and Tourettes even compelled me to write it in pencil on the page although I managed to stop myself before I included the exclamation point.

You might ask, "What's the point?" I would reply, "Of the article? I have no idea, I never got past the headline. Of this post? Good point, no point. Except, maybe, the obvious, the headlines are the only reason to read the New York Post."

Morning Camel Toe (or is it cameltoe) and the Struggles of Local Newspapers

This morning I was sitting in my cubicle for only a few minutes, perusing the New York Times website hoping for some early morning stimulation from the wit and wisdom of Frank Rich or one of his esteemed colleagues, when Steve in the next cubicle yelled out.

"Hey, you wanna see some cameltoe?"

Is 6:50 AM a little early for porn? lol Ouch, I just hurt myself.

As I bounded out of my chair, my mind raced. Porn at work? It's not only a no-no, it's an impossibility. Our internet access is so restricted that we can't visit yahoo because it's a "web community" site.

When I finally got to Steve's cubicle, out of breath, face flushed, I mean come on it's almost 5 feet away, I saw this:



Sweet!

It's LoHud.com, the internet home of the Journal News, a Gannett Co. Inc. newspaper serving Westchester, Rockland and Putnam counties in New York. The Pulitizer prize winning Journal staff did a hard hitting investigation into the hot babes lounging on the beach over the weekend. Why am I reading the Times?

Oh yeah, here's the close up of the camel toe because I care about my reader (you know who you are).


There is nothing like the newspaper and the morning's first cup of coffee.

The Joba Chamberlain Report - 5/29/09

Never has so much been made of so little -- even in Yankee land. If Yankee fans hear John Sterling, Michael Kay, and Brian Cashman say it often enough, they will believe anything. You know, things like Joba Chamberlain is having a good year or he's going to be a "special" starter.

Joba Chamberalin is not having a good year. He's having a terrible year. His WHIP is 1.57, that means he's in 107th out of 124 starters. His innings per start is 5.03, good for 112 out of 124.

Special? He's not even mediocre. He's down near the bottom in every meaningful statistic. Don't stick his ERA in my face, he gets taken out of games before he ever gets pounded. Joba has never taken even a third of an inning for the team.

You say, "But Suzyn Waldman says he has great stuff!" Daniel Cabrera has great stuff, so does Ollie Perez. Good stuff does not equal good pitching.

Joba Chamberlain was a special reliever over a short period of time. So far, as a starter, Joba Chamberlain sucks.

The Sheffield Report - 5/28/2009

This is my obligatory Gary Sheffield Report that explains that I was wrong about him being totally washed up. But before I put my tail between my legs...

Why wasn't Gary Sheffield running hard last night when he got thrown out at home? And why did Jerry Manuel give him a pass? If Ryan Church had failed to run hard, Jerry would have thrown Mr. Church under the bus, backed the bus over his body and kicked him in the nuts for good measure.

Could Jerry be scared that Sheffield would go off like a cluster bomb filled with hate, entitlement and 'roid rage? Probably.

Is it just me or should they have made that bobble head's head a little bigger? What with the massive amounts of steroids and human growth hormones it looks as if Gary Sheffield's head was designed to scale.

I'm sorry but I have forgotten the point of this post. Oh wait, steroids and HGH make hitters better.

David Stern is a Fan

***Update***

Though he will never admit it when you ask him face to face, I always had the feeling that NBA Commissioner David Stern read this blog. Dwight Howard's technical foul was overturned. The free throws that were taken because of the bad call don't get overturned which leads one to wonder what would happen if the Magic has lost the game by one.

That's a lovely photo of David Stern and another fat, white, old, guy entertaining their nieces from out of town.

Why I Should Be Coaching the Cavaliers

If I was coaching the Cavaliers, they would move on to the finals. No doubt. Guaranteed. No shit. A two word game plan will result in victory.

Bait Howard

Dwight Howard got his 6th technical foul of the playoffs last night. If he gets called for one more technical foul, he will be thrown out of the game and suspended for an additional game. Without Dwight Howard, the Orlando Magic will lose.

The Cavaliers should do whatever it takes to get Howard a technical. Punch him, trip him, call his mother an ugly whore that sucks off Dick Vitale for nickels.

It's not cheating. It's called gamesmanship. It must be done early in the next game.

It doesn't take much to get a technical foul nowadays -- unless you are LeBron James. Last night Howard got one for striking a WWF pose after a slam dunk. What was laughable about the foul call was that the reason he struck a pose was that a big hairy Brazilian guy grabbed him and tried to wrestle him to the ground. Howard ignored the goon, leaped into the air and finished the play. Dave Stern's refs called a technical. Dave Stern really wants LeBron in the finals.

I know what you're thinking, Dwight Howard is a pretty smart guy. He went to high school and stuff. He's going to expect the Cavaliers to go after him.

I'd use Sasha Pavlovic. He barely plays and he's a Serb. As we all know, Serbs can be really annoying. If I was the Cavalier coach, within the first minute of the next game, Dwight Howard would get a technical and my team would be guaranteed a berth in the NBA Finals.

Sasha Pavlovic would foul Howard hard. He would grab Howard's ass. He would curse as only a Serb can. He would lick the rivulets of sweat off of Howard's finely chiseled upper arms. Whatever it takes, by all means necessary, he would get Howard to commit a technical foul or I would send him back to Serbia.

And the Cavaliers would win. No doubt. Guaranteed. No shit.

Funny Porn Names

I need a current movie porn name for a bit I'm posting at the site. The best I can do is, Gapes of Girlfriends Ass. The guys at work didn't even recognize the move I was mocking (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, duh. And no I haven't been dragged to it, yet). So, I e-mail my brother and 5 minutes later I get a long list that contains the following:






There Will Be Blood, She's A Virgin
No Cunt for Old Men
The Taking Of Helen by 1, 2, 3!
Up, Yours
Twatlight
Journey to the Center of Eartha Kitt
Marley and Me and Peanut Butter


The guy is a comedic idiot savant. Up,Yours might be my favorite. It's the touching story of a square old pedophile, his pear-shaped, vaguely Asian, special boy and a dog that talks dirty. Up,Yours with Peanut Butter, anyone?

Yankee Memorabilia for Sale

Brand spanking new bit over at CircusAfterDark.com. Now you can own every possible bit of useless crap torn from the vacant carcass that was the House that Ruth Built, (for you Yankee fans that's what they used to call Yankee Stadium back in the day). Take a gander at two of the items I have sitting here on my blog.

Yup, that's the reanimated remains of the Sultan of Swat. Funny thing about this photoshop job is that it looks like I put his head on his body wrong but no, the man had no neck. I never touched that part of the photo. I just stretched his forehead using the liquify tool and pasted on the stitches and bolts.

This requires no explanation. Okay, maybe a little. Authentic game used Derek Jeter Herpes Scabs and Sores scrapped from the floor of the locker formerly known as St. Jeter's Basilica. Stop muttering. This ain't Erma Bombeck. And yes, those really are yucky herpes images gleened from google. To the best of my knowledge, they are not from Derek Jeter.

Go now and take the kids!

Typos, National Lampoon and a Shameless Plug

I was just reading a bit that is posted over at the site, admiring my own cleverness and wit, when I found two typos. I hate typos. What pisses me off about these particular typos is that not only did I miss them, no fewer than two editors at National Lampoon missed them two. (I did that on purpose cause it's whacky).

I have this dislexic thing about your and you're. I know I have this problem. I've always had this problem. You would think that whenever I type these frickin' words I would be extra careful. You would be wrong.

The bit is called Eighteen Magazine's Guide to the Prom. It's memorable for a couple of reasons.

1. National Lampoon bought it even though it had been on UncleMelon.com for years and had been read by several dozen people. A couple of Benjamin Franklins for absolutely nothing, sweet.

2. I really, really like the photoshop job I did on that dandelion corsage. I especially like the two dangling flowers. Most of the stuff I do is crap but not always.

3. The loser with the pink cummerbund is Stuttering John Melendez from the old Howard Stern Show. Why did I use it? Because dogs can lick they're own balls. I got a thing about their, there, and they're, two.

Bad Fundamental Baseball

Missing third base is a mistake. A brain lock. A misstep. It is not bad fundamental baseball.

Leftfielder Angel Pagan getting in the way of centerfielder Carlos Beltran is horrendous fundamental baseball. Golden boy Daniel Murphy breaking from first base before the pitcher starts his windup is horrendous fundamental baseball. Luis Castillo continually bunting at the wrong time is horrendous fundamental baseball. Golden boy Daniel Murphy putting his glove in front of his face so that he can't see the ball is horrendous fundamental baseball. Check that, bad example, that is just a GodFuckingAwfulDisplay of non-athleticism.

Ron Darling's analysis was priceless, "Murphy put his glove in front of his face so he couldn't see the ball." The crack SNY crew stopped the action so we could see the ball, the glove but not Murphy's face. "See that Gary? Murphy's glove is right in front of his face. He couldn't see the ball during the last two feet of its flight."

It got better, "All you Little Leaguers out there. You should try to put your glove either above or below your face so you can see the ball. It makes it much easier to catch."

Sometimes it looks like the Golden Boy has never played baseball before. How can such a spaz actually hit a baseball? I thought it was the toughest thing in sports.

But missing third is not bad fundamental baseball. Stop calling up radio stations, youfucktards.

Photo swiped from Big Glove and Ball Swiping Guy

Is Your Life Worth Living?

Everyday on my way to work I have to go over the Tappan Zee Bridge. And everyday I see that sign. And everyday it ticks me off. How the hell does the New York State Thruway Authority know if my life is worth living? They can't even fill a pot hole in a timely fashion.

Maybe my life isn't worth living. Maybe being stuck in God awful traffic because the New York State Thruway Authority doesn't bother to supervise the construction contractors it over pays has made my life a living hell.

The New York State Thruway Authority doesn't give a rat's ass if you off yourself. Just don't do it on their bridge. If the sign was truthful, like this version, I would have less daily agita.

Steve, from HudsonValleyEXXXposed.com, while too frightened to leave an actual comment, suggested this alternate sign during our 8:30 coffee break.

Empty seats at Yankee Stadium

On May 7th, I went to my first game at the new Yankee Stadium. The paid attendance was announced at 43,769 but there seemed to be a lot of empty seats. Look at this photo I took between the 5th and 6th innings:

BTW, here's irrefutable, scientific proof that the empty seats are causing the increase in wind and subsequent increase in home runs.

Canadian or Lesbian? A Tiny Bit of Hockey Humor

From the PtB archives:
Given that hockey playoff scores are now part of the 20 minute updates on sports talk radio, I figured I'd post this hockey bit.

Canadian or Lesbian? has a weird origin story. This guy that owned either CollegeHumor or ConsumptionJunction approached my brother and me about writing a monthly humor section for a magazine he was launching. The magazine was going to be called Dream. It was going to be just like Maxim or FHM but with thick, shiny paper and wide open beavers inside. It didn't seem like much of a business plan to me but I was not an internet millionaire. My stupid site was costing me money to run.

We were supposed to fill four full pages every month and were going to get paid a whopping 25 cents a word. We were also going to be allowed to use real, live models and art production so we didn't have to steal photos off of google. It seemed too good to be true. Remember that thought.

We had a ridiculous deadline for the first issue and getting paid was going straight to our heads. We immediately were propelled back to high school. We were counting every word and mulitplying each one by 25 cents. We added as many and's and the's as we could. We never used a can't when we could use a can not. We asked if hyphenated words counted as two.

Then the guy (I just can't remember his name) tells us he wants a bit called Canadian or Lesbian? because you know, that would be so effing funny, so do it, okay? We didn't even know what it meant or why it was so inherently funny. My brother came up with the idea that maybe its because both words end in "ians."

So we write the bit and use Neve Campbell and Jill Hennessey as stand-ins for the promised art production. The guy loves it. He also loves everything else we wrote. I had this great idea for a foto funnies series on sexual perversions that could only be done with real models. It was kick ass funny in a very old school National Lampoon way.

Then the guy screws us. He's got no problem paying us -- it was only like 80 bucks. But it was a no go to the original production. His lawyers said it was okay to use the images we stole from the internet for the mock-ups. So we bailed.

And ended up with this pretty funny bit called Canadian or Lesbian?

Canadian or Lesbian?

How to tell the difference?

Hot, Canadian babes are often hard to tell apart from hot, lesbian babes. They share many common characteristics. Why is this important? If you are a man, trying to pick up a lesbian babe can be difficult and may result in embarassing public rejections. If you are a lesbian that isn't too discriminating, a Canadian lesbian can often be acquired for the price of a beer.

The following picture points out the confusing areas of concern:

So how do you tell them apart? Luckily, there are glaring differences that with a little practice can be easy for the connoisseur to identify. Here are the major differences:

Lesbian: Would never let anyone named Stanley cup her ass
Canadian: Would drink a quart of Labatts from Stanley's cup

Lesbian: Broad shoulders and sensible shoes
Canadian: Broad shoulders and CCMs

Lesbian: Prefers to score between periods
Canadian: Prefers to score during a period

Lesbian: Pubic hair moustache on upper lip
Canadian: Molson moustache on upper lip

Lesbian: Suffers from chronic muff jaw
Canadian: Suffers from living in Moose Jaw

Lesbian: Little or no stick work but spends a lot of time in the crease
Canadian: She makes up for her lack of size with great stickhandling, a nasty wrist shot and her hip check is a beauty, eh?

Editor's Note: For reference, these babes are Canadian, Neve Campbell was born in Guelph, Ontario and Jill Hennessey was born in Edmonton, Alberta. Their sexual preference will require further study.

A post about hockey and I didn't go on and on about the time I skated against Gordie Howe. You guys lucked out. Ask anyone that knows me.

And just for the record, our good friends to the north are good sports, CanadaKicksAss.net

Obligatory Santana Post with a Sprinkling of D-Rod

D-Rod Ramblings
David Wright's error in the first reminded me of the years I played high arc softball for Deer Park Ironworks. Nice bunch of guys, heavily into steroids. My thighs were smaller than the team's average bicep -- but I could throw better than anyone else on the team. That short armed throw last night is the result of way too much time spent benching the rack. Big, tight pecs.