Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 3: Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods Marries Selena Gomez


Days after Tiger Woods wins the 2011 Masters Tournament he shocks the world by marrying America's Sweetheart and Disney Goldmine, Selena Gomez. Mike Greenberg of ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning is brought to tears by the news declaring, "Never before in the history of western civilization has a greater man risen from the depths. I will now drink of Tiger's blood and eat of Tiger's body."

Days after remarrying, Tiger Woods is caught cheating on his new bride when he accidently tweets the location and time of an illicit coupling to 430 million followers. TMZ breaks the story and the New York Post has a field day when Tiger's mistress turns out to be none other than Nadya Suleman, the notorious Octomom.

Octomom claims that Tiger Woods has been invading her spacious den at least twice a week since before his first marriage. More exciting news, she's currently pregnant and its a long par 3, Tiger triplets.

Will Selena Gomez stand by her man and save her marriage? Will Tiger Woods finally reveal that he is HIV positive? Will Octomom ever meet a nice guy on e-harmony? And finally, Mike Greenberg wants to know if all these unfortunate events will affect Tiger's chances to win the next major event on the PGA schedule, the U.S. Open held this year at the challenging Blue Course of the beautiful Congressional Country Club located in Bethesda, Maryland?

We can only hope.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 2: Deanna Favre

Deanna Favre Forced to Work at Golf Course

Brett and Deanna Favre untie the knot in 2011 and now we finally know why Brett has always lived in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. It is NOT the pigshit. It's the divorce laws. Mississippi still has laws on the books from back when the founding fathers were writing with feathers. You remember our founding fathers, they were right-thinking Americans like George Washington of Virginia, John Adams of Massachusetts and Jesus Christ of Texas.

Turns out that in Mississippi negroes only count as 3/5 of a person and women count as even less (0.333 when voting for best pie at the county fair, just 0.128 during tax season). Poor Deanna will have to work to keep the family fed. Luckily, her Uncle Eustice is Assistant Groundskeeper at the Brettswood Country Club (duffers in the know call it smallish and not at all hard).

Can Deanna work long hours in the hot Mississippi sun and still look like a much older Jenn Sterger? Will Brett Favre get to cry on ESPN even if he is really retired? Will Brett, Deanna and Jenn all appear on Dancing With the Stars with different partners? Will Brett Favre get caught sexting all the partners? We can only hope.

Deanna Favre does not look happy. If I got paid to drive that bad boy, I'd have a smoked turkey leg in one hand, a Silver Bullet in the cup holder and a smile as big as the Mississippi delta.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 1: Sarah Palin

2010 was a great year for comedy. The Palin brood, especially the bitches, were even more fun than Mama Pitbull. Brett Favre exposes himself all over the place, first showing off his massive ego, then giving us a glimpse of his meager penis. Can 2011 possibly live up to last year?

I think so. Here are my predictions for 2011.

Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Sarah Palin in the Face

After watching Sarah Palin take 16 shots to down a caribou that was chained to a stake, former Vice President Dick Cheney realizes that Sarah is his kind of hunter. He invites her to hunt with him at a private club in Dutchess County, New York. You remember the place. They keep the pheasants so fat they can barely stand, they clip their wings and then they put them in cages so that the executive hunters don't have to work too hard to get their kills.

Sarah shows up straight from a Fifth Avenue manicure with her nails still wet, a grumpy Dick Cheney has a few too many glasses of scotch while waiting, and then the former Vice President shoots Sarah Palin in the face, accidentally.


Will a horribly scarred and deformed Sarah be a more desirable candidate in 2012 or will a turned-off country look elsewhere for their masterbatory fantasies? Will Sarah have her bandages removed live on TV on Bravo, Spike or Fox News? Will an emotionally distraut Todd hook up with Christine O'Donnell and Lindsay Lohan, fail to rise to the occasion, but still send the video to his good buddy Joe the Plumber who will immediately sell it to deadspin.com for $27 and a carton of Lucky Strikes? We can only hope.

BTW, that's the second biggest flag pin I've ever seen.