The Last (I Promise) Story I'd Like to See in 2011 - Mel Gibson Rises From the Ashes

Mel Gibson Better than Gefilte Fish


Mel Gibson is once again the darling of Hollywood when he releases his loving remake of Schindler's List on the Jewish holiday, Tisha B'av. Immediately nominated for 27 Golden Globes, Gibson's List is filmed entirely in Yiddish. Gibson, portraying the fictional character Oskar Gibson, is lauded for his performance -- including his spot on accent. Mel also plays the smaller, supporting roles of Moe and Curly Howard and Larry Fine.

Mike Greenberg of ESPN Radio's Mike and Mike in the Morning proclaims, "Better even than the second comings of Michael Vick and Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson has cemented his place at my seder table. Abraham? Very, very, good. Moses? All star. Mel Gibson? Greatest human being ever to grace this or any other planet!!!"

Rabbi Mel Gibson saying the kiddush before going apeshit crazy.

Mel Gibson's resurrection is short lived. Invited to lead the evening service for Rosh Hashanah at the Beverly Hills Reformed Synagogue, Gibson begins frothing at the mouth and speaking in Aramaic. He then pulls from his pocket two scrolls. The first scroll contains a list of all the Jews in Australia. The second, much bigger scroll, contains a list of all the Jews in Hollywood. All the Jews are identified on maps using "surveyor's marks."

The year ends with the announcement that Mel's next project, due in theaters in 2012, will be Gibson on the Roof. Pre-screenings indicate that Mel Gibson will be holding a violin not an AK-47.

More Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Kim Kardashian and Me

Trump Casino Collapses Trapping Every Kardashian and Entire Cast of Jersey Shore


In a tragedy strangely reminicent of the Chilean Mining Accident of last year, the Trump Taj Mahal Casino collapses, trapping every member of the Kardashian family and the entire cast of Jersey Shore under tons of rubble. The victims were in Atlantic City shooting a new reality show scheduled to air in the fall called Kim and Khloe Go to White Castle.

Donald Trump hastily organizes a combination rescue mission and television show called Kan You Rescue a Kardashian and maybe Snooki? The winner will receive $25,000 and a Bruce Springsteen Limited Boxed Set.

Local legend and part-time comedian/hustler Bob Melonosky develops an ingenious plan and gets the go ahead to implement it. His idea involves a pink eraser, four push pins and a rubber band. Unfortunately, Bob becomes distracted by his blog, online porn, Top Chef: Allstars, and a bird that keeps banging into his window at work, and it takes him 69 days to reach the b-list celebrities. Everyone perishes except for Kim Kardashian and Bruce Jenner. Bob rescues Kim in front of a grateful nation transfixed by the drama unfolding on their television screens. Overnight numbers are good so Fox orders another season.

Snooki's teeny, tiny feet are not really a meal fit for a Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian falls madly in love with Bob Melonosky and promises 69 straight nights of 69 as a symbol of their love. However, Kim has survived 69 days in the rubble by licking condensation off of rocks and eating the late, great Snooki's left foot -- not a very nutritious diet. This has resulted in a tightening and significant reduction in Ms. Kardashian's famously bountiful booty. Bob no longer finds her appealing and leaves with the cash.

Kim was always present at Uncle OJ's murder trial.

A distraught Kim looks for a rebound relationship but she has already dated every NFL player, current or retired, under the age of 40. She finally finds love in the arms of O.J. Simpson, former NFL player and long-time family friend. A wedding transpires behind the walls of the Lovelock Correctional Facility in Pershing County, Nevada where O.J. is serving 33 years for kidnapping and armed robbery. The only attendees are Paris Hilton, the maid-of-honor and Kato Kaelin, the best man.

Kim was often brought into legal huddles to add her perspective on the proceedings.

After their first conjugal visit, Kim Kardashian is found brutally stabbed to death. The only clues in the trailer are a bloody print from a Size 12 Bruno Maglis shoe and a man's glove on the smallish size. A disconsolate O.J. vowes to find the killer.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 3: Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods Marries Selena Gomez


Days after Tiger Woods wins the 2011 Masters Tournament he shocks the world by marrying America's Sweetheart and Disney Goldmine, Selena Gomez. Mike Greenberg of ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning is brought to tears by the news declaring, "Never before in the history of western civilization has a greater man risen from the depths. I will now drink of Tiger's blood and eat of Tiger's body."

Days after remarrying, Tiger Woods is caught cheating on his new bride when he accidently tweets the location and time of an illicit coupling to 430 million followers. TMZ breaks the story and the New York Post has a field day when Tiger's mistress turns out to be none other than Nadya Suleman, the notorious Octomom.

Octomom claims that Tiger Woods has been invading her spacious den at least twice a week since before his first marriage. More exciting news, she's currently pregnant and its a long par 3, Tiger triplets.

Will Selena Gomez stand by her man and save her marriage? Will Tiger Woods finally reveal that he is HIV positive? Will Octomom ever meet a nice guy on e-harmony? And finally, Mike Greenberg wants to know if all these unfortunate events will affect Tiger's chances to win the next major event on the PGA schedule, the U.S. Open held this year at the challenging Blue Course of the beautiful Congressional Country Club located in Bethesda, Maryland?

We can only hope.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 2: Deanna Favre

Deanna Favre Forced to Work at Golf Course

Brett and Deanna Favre untie the knot in 2011 and now we finally know why Brett has always lived in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. It is NOT the pigshit. It's the divorce laws. Mississippi still has laws on the books from back when the founding fathers were writing with feathers. You remember our founding fathers, they were right-thinking Americans like George Washington of Virginia, John Adams of Massachusetts and Jesus Christ of Texas.

Turns out that in Mississippi negroes only count as 3/5 of a person and women count as even less (0.333 when voting for best pie at the county fair, just 0.128 during tax season). Poor Deanna will have to work to keep the family fed. Luckily, her Uncle Eustice is Assistant Groundskeeper at the Brettswood Country Club (duffers in the know call it smallish and not at all hard).

Can Deanna work long hours in the hot Mississippi sun and still look like a much older Jenn Sterger? Will Brett Favre get to cry on ESPN even if he is really retired? Will Brett, Deanna and Jenn all appear on Dancing With the Stars with different partners? Will Brett Favre get caught sexting all the partners? We can only hope.

Deanna Favre does not look happy. If I got paid to drive that bad boy, I'd have a smoked turkey leg in one hand, a Silver Bullet in the cup holder and a smile as big as the Mississippi delta.

Stories I'd Like to See in 2011 - Part 1: Sarah Palin

2010 was a great year for comedy. The Palin brood, especially the bitches, were even more fun than Mama Pitbull. Brett Favre exposes himself all over the place, first showing off his massive ego, then giving us a glimpse of his meager penis. Can 2011 possibly live up to last year?

I think so. Here are my predictions for 2011.

Dick Cheney Accidentally Shoots Sarah Palin in the Face

After watching Sarah Palin take 16 shots to down a caribou that was chained to a stake, former Vice President Dick Cheney realizes that Sarah is his kind of hunter. He invites her to hunt with him at a private club in Dutchess County, New York. You remember the place. They keep the pheasants so fat they can barely stand, they clip their wings and then they put them in cages so that the executive hunters don't have to work too hard to get their kills.

Sarah shows up straight from a Fifth Avenue manicure with her nails still wet, a grumpy Dick Cheney has a few too many glasses of scotch while waiting, and then the former Vice President shoots Sarah Palin in the face, accidentally.


Will a horribly scarred and deformed Sarah be a more desirable candidate in 2012 or will a turned-off country look elsewhere for their masterbatory fantasies? Will Sarah have her bandages removed live on TV on Bravo, Spike or Fox News? Will an emotionally distraut Todd hook up with Christine O'Donnell and Lindsay Lohan, fail to rise to the occasion, but still send the video to his good buddy Joe the Plumber who will immediately sell it to deadspin.com for $27 and a carton of Lucky Strikes? We can only hope.

BTW, that's the second biggest flag pin I've ever seen.