I figured out why Brett Favre can't stay retired. He lives in Hattiesburg, Mississippi! I know he says he likes it there. I know he says he likes spendin' his time killin' things, huntin', fishin', and trappin'. But if Hattiesburg is so great, how come every August he gets an itchin' to get the hell out of Hattiesburg? Maybe because the average daily temperature in August in Hattiesburg, Mississippi is 99 degrees. And it's not a pleasant dry heat, its 100% humidity heat -- with the nearest ocean breeze 1,000 miles away.
Brett Favre made 890 million dollars playing football. This makes him the richest man in Hattiesburg by $889.5 million. The next richest guy has a lot of pigs. He doesn't even bother to turn it into dollars. He just sends the IRS a couple of piglets every year.
I mean look at Brett over there in Minnesota straight off a private jet from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. He's wearing a hat with SHIT ON IT!!! He has retired to a place where he's ass deep in shit. Pig shit, probably. There's so much nasty shit in Hattiesburg, Mississippi that the cleanest hat Brett Favre could find for his press conference still has a shitload of shit on it. I know what you're thinking, it's a fashion statement, the hat with shit goes with the homeless beard, toothless grin and inarticulate mumbling. I say $890 million and he's wearing a hat with shit on it.
I did some exhaustive research for a few minutes and learned a thing or two about Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Two things actually, because that's all there is to know about Hattiesburg. First, it was named after a wife named Hattie who was born without an edge to her face. So, how can we avoid 890 billion hours of Brett Favre coverage on ESPN? How can we avoid the God awful feeling we get watching a grown man crying, over and over again? Somebody has to buy the guy a couch and tell him to move to Florida FerChristSakes! Hey Brett, I hear Arizona is nice, lots of white people and you can kill stuff like snakes and gila monsters.
*I have edited this bit due to numerous comments and e-mails from the good citizens of Hattiesburg. While my extensive research on the internet did reveal a racist past, let's face it, there's a racist past everywhere in the US including up north. Also, it didn't make the bit more funny.
I came across your blog searching for pictures of Brett Favre's house. I'm proudly from Hattiesburg and received my B.A. from USM, Brett's alma mater. I usually don't comment on strangers' posts, but I felt compelled to defend my hometown and my state. Despite what you may think based on your own stereotypes, Hattiesburg is an extremely energetic, integrated and hospitable town. You might even be surprised to learn that we read, wear shoes and have indoor plumbing...
ReplyDeleteI agree Amelia. I've lived in Hattiesburg for the majority of my life and have never once seen a pig. The real pig is a guy blogging about a town he has never visited.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment!
Are you telling me that it ain't pig poop on Brett's hat? I'm a city boy but even I know that cow poop doesn't look like real poop.
Do you think Brett is so mentally damaged that he uses his hat to wipe his ass then wears it to a press conference?
Thanks again,
Bob
Judging from the picture on the top of the page, you really don't even know what the Southeast looks like. It has foothills and trees. It's not Kansas. Hattiesburg also happens to be a majority white town with the black mayor. Just a little FYI.
ReplyDeleteDear Greek Guy from Mississippi,
ReplyDeleteI give up, you and your fellow commentators and e-mailers are right. Hattiesburg is probably no more racist than Green Bay and that was a cheap shot. I deleted that sentence from the bit.
But, you guys need to find a sense of humor about yourselves. You're more uptight than the Foreskin Nazis. When I rip New Jersey or New York Yankee fans a new a-hole they take it in stride with a chuckle and a funny retort.
One Thanksgiving weekend, I drove from Florida to Monroe, LA (and back) with the goal of banging a really hot Puerto Rican chick that had transfered to NE Louisiana State. It seemed like the entire state of Mississippi was on fire. There were brush fires everywhere. It kinda looked like that photo up there so the photo is staying.
First off, your not funny. at all.
ReplyDeletesecond off, Hattiesburg along with most of mississippi is a GREAT place. yea it's hot here better than -40 in the winter. and yea we go "huntin' fishin' and trappin'" but really... we could be straight white trash like a majority of the country is ... ex. go watch jersey shore then make fun of people.
thirdly, maybe you should extend your "research" to see that MANY great and successful people from here. and we do have a sense of humor, but we have a Much larger sense of PRIDE !
And as for the " pig poop" on his hat... its called DIRT from WORKING on a FARM. see unlike you CITY BOYS as you called yourself, southern MEN WORK. regardless of how much they make a year.
Thank you and GOD bless !
DAMN, you southerners are a sensitive bunch. Maybe yawl should plant some seeds and grows a sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteYou don't find me funny and I don't find that guy that wears the FLANNEL shirt with no sleeves funny -- but I'm not bitching about it when he makes fun of Jersey or them funny New Yorkers.
Thanks for the comment!
Bob
Richard Downing;
ReplyDeleteI put my name at the top so that I'am not know as anonoymous I think knowing someone's name make it a little more personal unlike the games you are playing. I'am in West Africa working "traning" the local people.I have just read your blog,I guess you call it ,and just had to put you web site in my favorites.If you are makeing fun of Brett then so be it,If you are makeing fun of the "flannel shirt guy" than so be that,just make sure you get where he is from right, and just to let you know he's not from Mississippi.The pig farmer I don't know of any pig farmers I know some chicken farmer and they more that likely make more money that you in a year so I don't make fun of people that make that kind of money.I think the shit you are getting from people is that you have never been to Hattiesburg and you realy don't know how it is there.Well I need to go and do something that has meaning to it than like some people talking shit about something I have know clue about. Oh and like I said I will keep you in my favorites so I don't forget what an asshole sounds like. Have Fun make jokes about this asshole
I am beyond offended! It's "ya'll" not "yawl"!
ReplyDeleteUm, it is actually 'y'all'. A contraction of the word 'you' and 'all'.
ReplyDeleteI'm not from Hattiesburg. I don't even like Hattiesburg. Still, I find your post poorly written, ignorant, and offensive. I have a sense of humor, but your attempts at comedy were scraped off of Brett's hat.
ReplyDelete