Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre! You were supposed to be immortal...

Because according to Google, you are demanding it, my first ever repost.

Can ESPN be less credible? Every second of ESPN is about access. They will report anything as long as it assures access to a star player or a league. Actual journalism is left to the other guys. Brett Favre is returning because those three guys knocked on his door, because he misses the guys in the locker room, because he owes it to the VIkes, because he loves football? REX YOU! I'll give you 20,000,001 real reasons Bret Favre is NOT retiring AGAIN, $20,000,000 for 16 games and he because he retired doesn't have to work out like every other player in the league. Honorable, old white guys retire; evil, young black cornerbacks holdout.

Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre! You were supposed to be immortal... (first posted exactly one year ago, August 19, 2009.)

I figured out why Brett Favre can't stay retired. He lives in Hattiesburg, Mississippi! I know he says he likes it there. I know he says he likes spendin' his time killin' things, huntin', fishin', and trappin'. But if Hattiesburg is so great, how come every August he gets an itchin' to get the hell out of Hattiesburg? Maybe because the average daily temperature in August in Hattiesburg, Mississippi is 99 degrees. And it's not a pleasant dry heat, its 100% humidity heat -- with the nearest ocean breeze 1,000 miles away.

Brett Favre made 890 million dollars playing football. This makes him the richest man in Hattiesburg by $889.5 million. The next richest guy has a lot of pigs. He doesn't even bother to turn it into dollars. He just sends the IRS a couple of piglets every year.

I mean look at Brett over there in Minnesota straight off a private jet from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. He's wearing a hat with SHIT ON IT!!! He has retired to a place where he's ass deep in shit. Pig shit, probably. There's so much nasty shit in Hattiesburg, Mississippi that the cleanest hat Brett Favre could find for his press conference still has a shitload of shit on it. I know what you're thinking, it's a fashion statement, the hat with shit goes with the homeless beard, toothless grin and inarticulate mumbling. I say $890 million and he's wearing a hat with shit on it.

I did some exhaustive research for a few minutes and learned a thing or two about Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Two things actually, because that's all there is to know about Hattiesburg. First, it was named after a wife named Hattie who was born without an edge to her face. Second, it's famous for having a history so racist, the Klan is embarassed.

So, how can we avoid 890 billion hours of Brett Favre coverage on ESPN? How can we avoid the God awful feeling we get watching a grown man crying, over and over again? Somebody has to buy the guy a couch and tell him to move to Florida FerChristSakes! Hey Brett, I hear Arizona is nice, lots of white people and you can kill stuff like snakes and gila monsters.

More Funny Brett Favre Retirement Ranting - includes hot pictures of Brett Favre's hot wife, Deanna.

Brett Favre Retiring? Includes an Endless Analysis of NFL TV Reaction Cut-Aways

Brett Favre's bruises haven't even started to get yellow around the edges and he's already begun his retirement whining. There is nothing worse than a grizzled crybaby. I'm boycotting SportCenter if they start running with this crap. Why can't Brett stay retired? I explained this already -- has something to do with Mississippi and pigshit.


But then I noticed Brett's wife during the NFC Championship game. How could I miss her? She got more air time than Peyton Manning. If my wife looked like Deanna Favre and I could retire at 40, I'd skip the party, the last uncomfortable, parting e-mail, and the ESPN press conference and get my grizzled butt down to Hattiesburg.

That got me thinking about NFL Reaction Cut-Aways or RCAs as we like to call them in the biz. If you watch a Colts game, you get Peyton Manning chewing on a hang nail or analyzing computer printouts of national importance. If you watch a Patriots game, you get to see, Grumpy Belichick dressed in the same clothes he wears to change his oil.


For a while, while watching a Cowboys game, we got to see Jessica Simpson in a pink Tony Romo jersey.

Annoying? Yes, but a whole lot cuter and a whole lot less annoying than having to watch the Cowboys owner Jimmy Jones looking happy/sad in his owners box or on the sidelines.


I live in New York City so I get to watch a lot of Giants and Jets games. During a Giant game, we ONLY get to see Tom Coughlin overreact after every play. Nobody grimaces like Coach Tom. When the Giants get called for holding, Tom acts like he has never seen that particular penalty called before in all his years on the gridiron.

Jet games are worse. Jet fans get Fireman Ed. A man, much like Joe the Plumber, that is not a fireman nor associated with the Jets in anyway*.

My question is, why do we get to see only one official reactor at a game? My gut tells me that the networks think that showing more than one person reacting will confuse the average football fan.

Maybe I wanted to see how Drew Brees' wife reacts between every good or bad play the Saints made. I was starting to think that Drew is the only quarterback in the history of football that chose to marry a woman that doesn't deserve to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated in a bikini.

Don't fret, Brittany Brees looks gorgeous. She just didn't get any air time. I hope she wasn't pushing a book on mothering, or scrapbooking, or accepting Jesus as your personal savior.

The thing about these reaction shots is, we know how every single one of them is going to look. Touchdown? Happy. Interception? Sad. Bonecrushing blow to grizzled, old Brett? "Home Alone" hands to the face, "Ohhh!."

What's the point?

Here's Vikings Coach Brad Childress' reaction to my question.

P.S. Yeah, I saw Brett Favre's hot daughter sitting next to his hot wife. Banging your daughter has been illegal in Mississippi since 1997 so she does not figure in the retirement discussion.

* Apparently Fireman Ed did a commercial for the Jets promoting Bloomberg's ridiculous West Side Stadium project even though the NYC Fireman's union, working without a contract, was rightfully opposed to it. Another good reason to hate the guy.

More Favre Family Fun!
Looking for Brett Favre's Junk? - An in-depth look at Brett's penis includes hot photos of Deanna Favre and Jenn Sterger
The Favre Refrigerator - An in-depth look at what's hanging on Brett Favre's refrigerator includes Brett Favre's penis and a hot photo of Jenn Sterger
Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre. You Were Supposed to be Immortal - An in-depth look at life in Mississippi with a hot wife
Deanna Favre Stand by her Man* - An in-depth look at Deanna Favre's love of her man, Jesus includes Brett Favre's penis and a hot photo of Deanna Favre.