Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Japan Cheats at the Olympics and I Give Up on the Olympics, Again

Japanese Gymanastic official bribing and/or appealing a score to the judges, japan bribe olympics gymnastics
That's the most memorable image from NBC's telecast of the olympics last night. The Japanese Gymnastics Delegation bribing appealing to the judges that their scores be raised so that they can win silver medals. Do you see that pile of yens that the coach is giving the judges?  Don't worry, NBC assured us that this standard operating procedure when bribing appealing to a gymnastic judge.

Kohei Uchimura almost breaking his neck during a dismount suring his silver medal winning perfomance
That's Kohei Uchimura completing a beautiful "Flair to a Handstand to an Almost Break Your Neck" dismount from the pommel horse.  The photo doesn't capture the grace and strength that Kohei-san brought into our living rooms -- seriously, Mr. Bean could have done a better dismount. And if Rowan Atkinson was on the Japanese Gymnastics team, the pile of yen may have been bigger but the medals would still have been silver.

Kohei Uchimura, the cutest cheater, ever to steal a medal at the olympics

That's the cutest cheater in Olympic history,  Kohei Uchimura, relishing the rewards of an appeal well done. Cut to Bob Costas thanking us for joining him.

Why didn't the British team appeal their scores?  Why didn't the Ukrainians appeal their scores? Why doesn't every gymnast that has ever fallen off an apparatus appeal his or her scores?  Let's ask Bob Costas. Oh, wait, he's cut to another commercial.

It's not only the obvious, amateurish (not in a good way) bullshit of changing scores after the fact so that a favorite team can win medals that has forced me to turn off the olympics for good, again.

It's also NBC.

Bob Costas might as well be hosting The Bachelorette.  Every second last night was carefully manipulated by the network. Remember, it all happened five hours early.  NBC producers carefully cut tape, changed sequencing and added drama before every commercial break. 

The adorable, freckled-faced Ukranian gynmast that cries when he finds out that the Japanese have stolen his medal? Let's cut away from the hapless Americans for 30 seconds so that we can show him not fucking up a routine around 9:30 PM.  The bushy haired cutie pie cheater from Japan?  Give him some time earlier in the hour so that we can really, really hate him when it counts.

Why don't I like the olympics?  For the same reason I don't like Say Yes to the Dress, The Bachelorette or Whose Sleeping with a Kardashian.

Why do the olympics get such great ratings? Same reason Say Yes to the Dress, The Bachelorette, and Whose Sleeping with a Kardashian make a ton of money for their respective networks.

But Bob, it ain't sports. And this sports fan is going back to baseball.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part XII

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Junk Yard Whores by Bob Melonosky
Junk Yard Whores: No Blondes Allowed, 2000 -- Cute and perky Annika Svenson moves to town to fulfill a lifelong dream.  The other girls are mean because they are jealous of Annika's blonde hair. Hilarity and soliciting ensue.

Even Baby Jesus Can't Untangle the Christmas Lights by Bob Melonosky
Even Baby Jesus Can't Untangle the Christmas Lights, 1994 -- The Callahan family asks Baby Jesus to untangle their Christmas lights. Baby Jesus tries His best but even with His considerable super powers He just can not do it. Baby Jesus gets frustrated, has a feeding and then falls asleep in the arms of Mrs. Callahan. God bless us all, everyone.

Nancy the Nympho and the Boys Wear OUt a Rubber by Bob Melonosky
Nancy the Nympho in The Butcher, The Baker and the Candlestick Maker Wear Out a Rubber, 1992 -- A novel with a title so long, the printer left off the last word due to budget constraints.  This was the forty-seventh Nancy the Nympho Classic Adventure I penned and it's one of my favorites. I got to use the term buoyancy chamber which sounds cool.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Glory Days - Books I Writed XI

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Saved by a Shark written by Bob Melonosky
Saved By A Shark, 2000 -- After she is tossed overboard by her two-timing, millionaire boyfriend, Cindy is saved by a Great White Shark.  The shark carries Cindy in his mouth all the way home to Kennebunkport. Then he eats the boyfriend.  Cindy sets her orphaned shark free to roam the world's oceans with a kiss on the nose. Roger Ebert wrote in the Chicago Sun-Times, "I haven't cried this much since I had to sit through Born Free."

Hugh Hefner, Outer-Space Marine written by Bob Melonosky
Hugh Hefner: Outer-Space Marine, 1995 -- A misguided attempt to get a novel serialized within the pages of Playboy and get myself venerealized within the walls of the Playboy Mansion.

White Men Can't Jump written by Bob Melonosky. Warning! Includes a graphic description of the deflowering of 43-year old virgin Christine O'Donnell
White Men Can't Jump, 1991 -- Sgt. Gary "The Pure" Gallafan's only desire is to remain chaste for his fiancĂ©, 43-year old virgin Christine O'Donnell. The horny denizens of the Island of Lipstick Amazons only desire is to perform sexual favours for Gary, over and over again. Will Sgt. Gary be able to jump the three foot fence standing between almost certain pleasure and his freedom?  Here's a hint. He's white.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

My First Date

Bob Melonosky first date with Cheryl
Recently discovered photographic evidence of my first date. No, it was not also my last date.

If memory serves, her name was Cheryl, she was the daughter of my mom's co-worker and that's the closest I got to her all night.

I believe she smelled good and looked satiny.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012