Friday, January 27, 2012

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 4

More books from the box in my mom's attic.
Log Jam at Stalag 13 Inches a wacky WACS wartime yarn written by bob melonoskyLog Jam at Stalag 13 Inches, 2001 -- Nothing like a big, steaming hunk of German bratwurst to satisfy the ladies.

princess grace marries the lorax written by bob melonoskyPrincess Grace Marries the Lorax, 1990 -- Very high and/or very desperate describes everyone associated with this effort.

fantastic voyage to her cervix and back written by bob melonoskyFantastic Voyage to her Cervix and Back, 2002 -- The last Doctor Evelyn Anderson, Lesbian OB/GYN Adventure I ever got to pen. I miss those days. I used to get ten cents a page which was good money in 2002.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

How TBS Turned Harold and Kumar Gay (not that there's anything wrong with that)

kenneth park scene harold and kumar go to white castleLast weekend while trolling for something to watch during the commercials of the football games, I found Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle on TBS. Touchdown!

Even better, Sophie sitting on the couch with me had never seen it. Problem is that the movie was so edited down that it became unintentionally funny and downright stupid.

When I flipped it on, the boys are at Princeton, a funny scene with Kenneth Park, Class of 2004 that stayed funny despite TBS' best efforts.

Christy and Clarissa's brilliant performance ended up on the TBS cutting room floorThen we get to meet Christy and Clarissa, the hot, stuck-up, British preppie chicks that want to party. They invite Kumar up to their room to smoke some weed! The pink one is carrying a Mr. Taco bag so it looks like they're planning on providing munchies of all sorts.

That's the last we see of Christy and Clarissa. When the boys hide in the woman's room from the cops, the girls never show up. We cut straight to the Asian Student Party.
batleshits a no go on TBSTBS didn't even show them preening at the mirror.
Let's admit it, in real life even explosive diarrhea would not keep me from diving face first into these pantiesBattleshits was a no go.
The three of us could all go into the dorm showers and thoroughly clean each others posteriors before jumping into a big naked yuppy pileAt the Asian party, the boys watch the dance floor through a window and its obvious that they are loving everything they see. When we finally get to watch the party, TBS cuts out the hot, topless Asian chick and every other Asian with a vagina. The only boobs we see are attached to a topless, Kenneth Park, Class of 2004, dancing like its 1999.

Cut to Harold and Kumar looking like naked Kenneth Park is the hottest fucking thing ever. "Dude, we so should have gone to this party!"

Cops show up. Good bye Princeton.

Sophie turns to me and asks, "Are Harold and Kumar gay?"

Biggest laugh of the night. Not only did a chubby, naked, Korean dork turn Harold and Kumar on, they never bothered to go looking for the hot British twins.

Why This Saddens Me (after I laughed my ass off)

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is in my personal Comedy Hall of Fame. And my Hall of Fame is not like the Baseball Hall of Slightly Better than Average. My Hall of Fame has five members and not a Bert Blyleven among them. In chronological order:

Blazing Saddles
Something About Mary
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.
40 Year Old Virgin

That's your Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Christy Mathewson, Honus Wagner and Walter Johnson of Movie Comedies.

You do not mess with the classics!!! I left a message with Martin Scorsese and is he going to be pissed.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 3

More books from the box.
hightops hijinx written by bob melonoskyHightops Hijinks, 1985. The very first example of Chuck Taylor Sci Fi. They worked in the car wash by day; at night, they used their supersoakers to keep Terra safe from all those who would do her harm.

the girl with the memorable birthmark written by bob melonoskyThe Girl with the Memorable Birthmark, 1992. I really should sue. Socially awkward and misunderstood skinny chick fucks up the man. I was gonna set it in Sweden but got lazy and went with LA.

which end goes in first? written by bob melonoskyWhich End Goes in First?, 1986. Seriously, my work in feminist Sci Fi is the stuff of legend.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

How Did Benny Hill Get So Effing Funny?

Another Post Courtesy of UK's Daily Mail - I kid Alfred Harmsworth, 1st Viscount Northcliffe a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

How did Benny Hill get so effing funny? Not bologna in his shoes. He just stole stuff from the Argos Catalog (probably catalogue on that side of the pond).

How many classic Benny Hill bits can you find on this single page of the 1976 catalog?

Here's some Boots Randolph to get you in the mood.

How many did you find? I found five.

benny hill secret classic bits

1. The man on the stationary bike "accidently" increases the speed on the butt shaking machine, causing her boobies to jiggle. Then he "accidently" turns the dial to ridiculous speed and her bikini flys off.

2. An "erection" rises up from one of the guys on the rowing machines except it turns out to be a dumb bell. When the woman runs away, an "erection" rises up from the other rowing guy -- but he's looking at the man on the bike!

3. The guy with the chest pulling thing "accidently" lets go of one end launching it like an arrow. It hits a shapely, young bird right in the buttocks while she's bent over touching her toes. She slaps an innocent Jackie Wright in the face.

4. Macho man rips all the hair off his chest with that springy thing.

5. The couples with the ropes get tangled up so that whenever he pulls with his arms, her legs spread wide open revealing her camel toe or as the Brits say, her Jack the Ripper that's a krusty kipper.

How did you do?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 2

More books from the box.
most dangerous pussy alive written by bob melonoskyMost Dangerous Pussy Alive, 1987 -- I was accused of ripping off the Conan series but come on, Derek was a feral wanderer NOT a barbarian.

not much of a beach day written by bob melonoskyNot Much of a Beach Day, 1984 -- Teenage romance on the shore. If only I had named my horny heroine Snooki, instead of Centropomi.

teenage stewardesses in peril written by bob melonoskyTeenage Stewardesses in Peril, 1990 -- Teenage! Stewardesses! Peril! Enough said, except I should mention the long forgotten Japanese soldiers!