Thursday, February 28, 2013

Horsing Around with Horse Meat

or are you hungry enough to eat a horse... meat... dinner?

funny horse meat, blackened black beauty, horse frozen dinner

This whole horse meat scandal is stupid. I think about horse meat like I think about anal sex. If you can't tell the difference, what's the big deal?

Apparently some of the big food companies agree with me. Instead of hiding their horses, they've decided to ride them to the winner's circle and even bigger profits. Blackened Black Beauty in Cajun Cream Sauce is nutritious and delicious.

funny horse meat hungry man salisbury seabiscuit and gravy

I've already tried the Hungry Man Salisbury Seabiscuit and Gravy and it's mouth watering. A pound of horse is just what you need when you're heading around the final turn, you can see the finish line but your energy is begining to lag.

funny horse meat horsemeat Mr. Ed's swedish meat balls

The good folks at Lean Cuisine have started a new line of meals called Lean Equine. Horse meat is 38% leaner than cow and just as tasty. Celebrity horse Mr. Ed will bring his unbridled enthusiasm to the endorsement of these frozen delicacies.

funny horse meat horsemeat my little pony frozen dinner

Children are a growing segment of the consumer population. Good growth requires good nutrition which means plenty of horse, and the best way to get your little ones to chow down on horse is to buy them a My Little Pony Meal. Just look into Rainbow Dash's beautiful blue eyes as you eat her cousin, generously seasoned with Mrs. Dash.

funny horsemeat funny horse meat McDonalds filet-o-flicka

Finally, even a major fast food chain (that will remain nameless because their lawyers sent me a cease and desist order the last time I dared to make fun of them) have added horse to their menu. The Filet-O-Flicka is not just for Lent. Enjoy the meaty goodness of horse all year round!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Glory Days: I was in a band, Jackie and The...

Jackie Spank and the Monkees

Right after high school, I played guitar in a band.  If you hung out in the small clubs on Long Island that actually had live music, you probably remember us. We played mostly surfer punk, some rockabilly, and always did a kickass Freebird because there were always these dicks in the audience who thought they were funny and screamed for it during the whole set.

I'll never forget our first night. We were friends with a band that had a regular friday night gig. They got a better one-time gig and asked us to cover for them. The owner was pissed but we brought along enough friends that were serious drinkers so he let us go on.

We didn't have a real name so we used Jackie Spank and the Monkees because we liked to masturbate a lot. Luckily, Rick the drummer, had a great look and a great looking girlfriend with a camera, so I have photographic evidence.

That one night became our regular gig. We thought it would be funny to change our name slightly every time so The Monkees became The 1-Outs became The Chickens.

Jackie Rub and the 1-Outs
Jackie Rub and The 1-Outs

Jackie Choke and the Chickens
Jackie Choke and The Chickens

Jackie Mast and the Urbators
Jackie Mast and The Urbators

Jackie Mix and the Baby Batters
Jackie Mix and The Baby Batters

When we finally got the chance to record a demo, we went with Jackie Jack and The Offs.  Then Jack went to college so we became just The Offs. I still have a t-shirt.

Jackie Jack and The Offs

Friday, February 1, 2013

Chris Culliver - Gayest Homophobe Photo Ever

Chris Culliver gay or gay bashing homophobe

Hi guys, I'm Chris Culliver, hate-filled scumbag. I'm looking to hookup with a like-minded individual. Don't let my chiselled exterior and full bush scare you boys away. I love walks in the park, rainbows and unicorns with really long horns.

Gayest photo of a homophobe ever? I don't know -- but it probably makes the top ten.

If Chris Culliver had aimed his hate-filled remarks at blacks or Jews or Muslims or women, the 49ers would have suspended him. But attacking gays? NFL don't have no problem, Cully-In-Da-House, ppl!!!

I know what you're thinking, don't pick on poor, not-so-bright Chris Culliver, his brain don't know what his heart be thinking. Have you ever visited his twitter account? Might be the poor guy spells with his gall bladder. Is 29 his number, and his IQ? Wait, give the guy a break. He apologized didn't he? Did he?

Chris Culliver gay or gay hating sumbag

Chris Culliver spent his college career as a Fighting Gamecock of the University of South Carolina. Uh oh, here come the hundreds of football/homosexual euphemisms or if Chris were spelling it, youvisms. Do you have to take the SAT to go to South Carolina, wear spandex and dry hump a Bulldog, Gator or the occasional Aggie?

So, once again watching the Super Bowl will be like watching Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh mudwrestling. There's nobody to cheer for. You end up sitting there and hoping they both choke to death on slop.

funny super bowl XLVIII

On one side is a probable double murderer and cheater whose close personal friend named Jesus Christ told him to retire, and on the other side is a hate-filled, homophobe from San Francisco.

Pass me a beer, the wide reciever is beating the man to man and going deep in the end zone.