Gary Sheffield Report - 4/29/09 Wherein I explain the Sheff to Omar Minaya using simple words and pictures

I have decided that Omar Minaya is intellectually challenged. For the intellectually challenged out there, that means that Omar Minaya is dumb. I am going to explain with small words and pictures and a simple analogy why Gary Sheffield should not be batting clean-up. Forget the word "analogy," Omar. It's not important.

Back when Gary Sheffield was a young buck, there was a beautiful actress named Sharon Stone. She was pretty and sexy. If you wanted a beautiful and sexy actress to star in your movie back then, she would have been a wise choice.

Today Sharon Stone is old and unappealing. If you were casting a movie today and wanted an actress to star as a beautiful and sexy woman you would not hire Sharon Stone. You would hire Charlize Theron or Beyonce. This is not a knock on Sharon Stone. She had her day and now she is 50 and doing dinner theater in San Bernadino. Are you with me so far, Omar? Just look at the photos up there.

Here are two photos of Gary Sheffield. Omar, stop playing with your Black berry and listen!

He looks pretty much the same. He even waggles his bat the same way in the batter's box. But... Omar pay attention this is important, he doesn't hit the same. Yes, he looks and acts the same but he can't hit. Comprende? Good. Now go cut him and build a rotunda in honor of his 500th homerun.

For those of you that are not intellectually challenged, I'm going to use numbers now. I'm sorry Tony Bernazard, you can't stay. Go ahead, run off to the clubhouse and cause trouble.

Gary Sheffield is batting .169. In 30 at bats, he has struck out eight times and grounded into two double plays.

There have been 27 runners on base (ROB) when he has stepped to the plate and he has driven in three. That's 11% (OBI%). That's worse than any starter except D-Rod. Murphy and Church should be getting the at bats.

Data from baseballprospectus.com.

The Sheffield Report - 4/9/09

Gary Sheffield was "hitting ready" last night.

I had to participate in a family gathering involving Hebrew and bitter herbs. By the time I finished washing the dishes, it was the ninth inning. The only Sheff sighting was a dugout shot that followed yet another 2-0 curveball from Frankie the Rod. Bitter Gary, looking slightly disgruntled, had his head pointed in the general direction of the playing field.

Will Gary Sheffield ever be "fielding ready?" We've all read countless accounts (How's that for an alliteration? I'm talking to you Mrs. Ehrlich.) of the vastness of the Citi Field outfield. Opening night, I half expect to see a solitary polar bear hunting -- out in the endless tundra of right center. How the hell is Gary Sheffield going to play rightfield? Here's a diagram I prepared showing the range of the Met corner outfielders based on data from the good folks at the Elias Sports Bureau:

Carlos Beltran is going to have to cover all that green. That's 37 hectacres. I know, I know, Gary Sheffield's range is not to scale. I had to expand it slightly or the sterroid induced gigantism of his skull would have hidden all the blue.

The Sheffield Report - 4/7/09

Sheff never got off the bench. To be honest, I'm not sure if he was even on the bench because I was "watching" the game on MLB Gameday.