The Sheffield Report - 5/28/2009

This is my obligatory Gary Sheffield Report that explains that I was wrong about him being totally washed up. But before I put my tail between my legs...

Why wasn't Gary Sheffield running hard last night when he got thrown out at home? And why did Jerry Manuel give him a pass? If Ryan Church had failed to run hard, Jerry would have thrown Mr. Church under the bus, backed the bus over his body and kicked him in the nuts for good measure.

Could Jerry be scared that Sheffield would go off like a cluster bomb filled with hate, entitlement and 'roid rage? Probably.

Is it just me or should they have made that bobble head's head a little bigger? What with the massive amounts of steroids and human growth hormones it looks as if Gary Sheffield's head was designed to scale.

I'm sorry but I have forgotten the point of this post. Oh wait, steroids and HGH make hitters better.

The Sheffield Report - 5/4/09

For a loss, saturday's game was not so bad. Yeah, Ollie Perez stunk but the Mets came back and Ken Takahashi came in from the bullpen to keep the game close. Let's sign Takahashi to a $37 million extension and make him our 4th starter.

Jayson Werth is officially the Mets Killer. When he's not getting clutch hits, he's gunning guys down at the plate. I'd rather see Ryan Howard and Shane Victorino whenit counts than Mr. Werth.

But this post is about the Sheff. He batted cleanup, again. And left 4 runners on base, again. What happened to using Sheffield only as a pinch hitter? Last week I assumed that Omar Minaya was intellectually challenged and explained things with simple words and pictures. I have come to the conclusion that Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel are both effing stupid.

Gary Sheffield batting .176 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs is the cleanup hitter. Gary Sheffield has come to the plate with 32 runners on base and driven in 3. That's 9%! That's worse than everybody's whipping boy, David Wright.

Gary Sheffield Report - 4/29/09 Wherein I explain the Sheff to Omar Minaya using simple words and pictures

I have decided that Omar Minaya is intellectually challenged. For the intellectually challenged out there, that means that Omar Minaya is dumb. I am going to explain with small words and pictures and a simple analogy why Gary Sheffield should not be batting clean-up. Forget the word "analogy," Omar. It's not important.

Back when Gary Sheffield was a young buck, there was a beautiful actress named Sharon Stone. She was pretty and sexy. If you wanted a beautiful and sexy actress to star in your movie back then, she would have been a wise choice.

Today Sharon Stone is old and unappealing. If you were casting a movie today and wanted an actress to star as a beautiful and sexy woman you would not hire Sharon Stone. You would hire Charlize Theron or Beyonce. This is not a knock on Sharon Stone. She had her day and now she is 50 and doing dinner theater in San Bernadino. Are you with me so far, Omar? Just look at the photos up there.

Here are two photos of Gary Sheffield. Omar, stop playing with your Black berry and listen!

He looks pretty much the same. He even waggles his bat the same way in the batter's box. But... Omar pay attention this is important, he doesn't hit the same. Yes, he looks and acts the same but he can't hit. Comprende? Good. Now go cut him and build a rotunda in honor of his 500th homerun.

For those of you that are not intellectually challenged, I'm going to use numbers now. I'm sorry Tony Bernazard, you can't stay. Go ahead, run off to the clubhouse and cause trouble.

Gary Sheffield is batting .169. In 30 at bats, he has struck out eight times and grounded into two double plays.

There have been 27 runners on base (ROB) when he has stepped to the plate and he has driven in three. That's 11% (OBI%). That's worse than any starter except D-Rod. Murphy and Church should be getting the at bats.

Data from baseballprospectus.com.

Where Have You Gone, Jason Giambi? A Nation Turns its Lonely Eyes to You

From the PtB archives:
Giambi Wins A.L. Comeback Player Award

Robert Melonosky, Associated Press

Before meeting Jose Canseco, Giambi didn't know that constantly masturbating was causing him to be skinny and feeble-minded.

NEW YORK - Jason Giambi arrived at spring training unsure whether he could return to the ranks of baseball's top power hitters without his beloved steroids. After the first three months of the season, he was batting .195 with only five homeruns. New York Yankee manager Joe Torre asked Giambi to go down to the minors for the good of the team. "I told him no way," said Giambi, "and I went back on the juice and the human growth hormones."

Giambi was rewarded for lying and cheating Thursday when fans voted him the AL Comeback Player of the Year. Suffering from girlie ankles, a "stomach virus," an atrophed penis, a "respiratory infection," an intestinal parasite from the planet Mars and a benign pituitary tumor, all directly related to his abuse of steroids, Giambi hit .208 with 12 homers and 40 RBIs in 2004. He was so weak at the end of the season that when he went into a steroid-induced rage, he was beaten up by Mariano Rivera.

"I am truly humbled by this award," Giambi lied, sweating profusely as his greasy hair fell in front of his glazed eyes, "I would especially like to thank Arnold, our clubhouse boy, for tirelessly peeing into my sample jar and for popping the zits on my back and rock hard ass."

"I wanted nothing more than to prove to you and the people of New York that I could face adversity and comeback to be the player I once was," Giambi said. Maybe now Babe Ruth will stop spinning in his grave everytime Yankee announcer John Sterling calls Giambi, "The Giambini."

Three weeks later, through a lot of not-so-bad workouts and many painful injections, Giambi became a real man. He remained feeble-minded.

The New York media has made this Oakland A's series into the Second Coming of Jesus Giambi. I didn't listen to the radio broadcast but I'm sure that during Giambi's first at bat Suzyn Waldman cried a river of tears then visited all the Stations of the Cross. I have come to the conclusion that cellphones have damaged an entire generation's collective memory. Jason Giambi was a bum. The Yankees never won the World Series with Giambi. He was a poor post-season performer. He was a terrible fielder. He admitted to injecting himself with steroids and human growth hormone. One positive note, he did walk a lot.

Here's a reminder Yankee fans. The front cover of your favorite NY daily back in December 2004:

Another Revolting Development

Last night's game was hard to watch. Bad pitching (Maine pulled an Ollie), bad hitting (Wright left four runners on base), bad umpiring (homeplate umpire Gary Darling must have had dinner reservations, he punched out Delgado to end the game on a pitch that was so outside it hit a 7 train) and bad audience participation (lots of empty seats and a douche bag that was sitting in the front row).

I'm going to focus on this douche bag. The guy that interfered with Daniel Murphy's double down the line in the fourth inning, costing the Mets a run and perhaps more, because Reyes had to stay at third instead of scoring. Remember him? He looked like an unholy amalgamation of Jorge Posada and the star of Slumdog Millionaire.

He's supposed to be a Mets fan. He was wearing a Mets hat his dad bought him at a new Citi Field kiosk for $35.99. When the ball is in play and the Mets are about to score, DON'T TOUCH it, you big-nosed, mouth-breathing, brace-faced, four-eyed, rich-ass DORK!!!

Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling gave him a pass and so did most of the "fans" in the high rent section he was sitting in. Those are $105 seats. Unless I win the lottery, I will never be sitting in those seats. The dick didn't even understand he did something wrong until someone explained the basic fundamentals of the game he was supposed to be enjoying. At Shea, he would have been doused in beer by real fans. He deserved to be doused in gasoline.

The sheepish, shit-eating grin he was sporting made me want to crush his $900 eyewear into a tangle of wire and broken glass and grind the remains permanently into the braces keeping his mule teeth from protruding past his Posada-esque proboscis.

Yeah, it was one game. But last year in September, it would have been real nice to have another win in April. Fans are supposed to support the home team not skull fuck it to death. It's not just the one game, its the idea that only filthy rich people can afford to go to baseball games and filthy rich people are not necessarily good fans.

When that loathsome, foul-smelling, tallow-skinned, excuse for a Mets fan got home last night, after he picked the foul-smelling smegma from his orthodontics and lured the cheese-like secretions from the endless whiteheads on his pasty face, after he put his new souvenir baseball next to the 10 RBI ball stamped with a facsimile of Alex Rodriguez's autograph, after he put his brand new, official 2009 alternative inaugural Citi Field Mets cap next to his worn only once, official 2008 last year of Yankee Stadium Yankees cap, the sonofabitch probably slept like a baby.

The Sheffield Report - 4/10/09

Hey Omar the Magnificent, let's just say that the "experiment" is over, my hypothesis has been proven to be true -- and release the cancer before it metastasizes.

The Sheffield Report - 4/9/09

Gary Sheffield was "hitting ready" last night.

I had to participate in a family gathering involving Hebrew and bitter herbs. By the time I finished washing the dishes, it was the ninth inning. The only Sheff sighting was a dugout shot that followed yet another 2-0 curveball from Frankie the Rod. Bitter Gary, looking slightly disgruntled, had his head pointed in the general direction of the playing field.

Will Gary Sheffield ever be "fielding ready?" We've all read countless accounts (How's that for an alliteration? I'm talking to you Mrs. Ehrlich.) of the vastness of the Citi Field outfield. Opening night, I half expect to see a solitary polar bear hunting -- out in the endless tundra of right center. How the hell is Gary Sheffield going to play rightfield? Here's a diagram I prepared showing the range of the Met corner outfielders based on data from the good folks at the Elias Sports Bureau:

Carlos Beltran is going to have to cover all that green. That's 37 hectacres. I know, I know, Gary Sheffield's range is not to scale. I had to expand it slightly or the sterroid induced gigantism of his skull would have hidden all the blue.

The Sheffield Report - 4/7/09

Sheff never got off the bench. To be honest, I'm not sure if he was even on the bench because I was "watching" the game on MLB Gameday.