It's the Empty Seats, Stupid!

Brian Cashman can't explain it. "The original wind study performed by our engineers resulted in 106 wins, huge profits and a normal amount of home runs," the Yankees GM told reporters.

It's the empty seats, stupid! As any school boy knows, wind is caused by the unequal heating of the earth's surface. The surface in question, all those expensive seats in Yankee Stadium where the fake corporate fans are not sitting, is the problem. All the air and wind modeling the Yankees engineer performed assumed that those seats would be filled with expensive suits. Expensive suits filled with rich, pseudo-fans with large wallets and massive egos.

Remember this simple formula from Middle School math? It was called The Randy Levine Bald Faced Lie Theorem.

Wind to Right Field (mph) = Number of Corporate Accounts x Piles of Cash (tons) x NYY

where NYY = drag coefficient of $1,000 wool suits

When you replace expensive suits with cheap, blue plastic? Duh, wind! Additionally, all that hot air produced by the Bernie Madoffs of the world while they talk on their cellphones instead of watching the actual game? Empty seats can't talk endlessly about screwing the little guys! No hot air in the field boxes means convection currents and that results in big wind. This is simple stuff people.

Quick semi-serious notes: Forget the number of home runs. Did you see Grady Sizemore's grand slam? He hit it with one hand. And Posada hit a HR to deep right-center off the end of his bat.

Insightful comments and good photos taken by a real Yankee fan at PaulKatcher.com.

More photos of empty seats and real Yankee fans at RiverAveBlues.com.

Another Revolting Development

Last night's game was hard to watch. Bad pitching (Maine pulled an Ollie), bad hitting (Wright left four runners on base), bad umpiring (homeplate umpire Gary Darling must have had dinner reservations, he punched out Delgado to end the game on a pitch that was so outside it hit a 7 train) and bad audience participation (lots of empty seats and a douche bag that was sitting in the front row).

I'm going to focus on this douche bag. The guy that interfered with Daniel Murphy's double down the line in the fourth inning, costing the Mets a run and perhaps more, because Reyes had to stay at third instead of scoring. Remember him? He looked like an unholy amalgamation of Jorge Posada and the star of Slumdog Millionaire.

He's supposed to be a Mets fan. He was wearing a Mets hat his dad bought him at a new Citi Field kiosk for $35.99. When the ball is in play and the Mets are about to score, DON'T TOUCH it, you big-nosed, mouth-breathing, brace-faced, four-eyed, rich-ass DORK!!!

Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling gave him a pass and so did most of the "fans" in the high rent section he was sitting in. Those are $105 seats. Unless I win the lottery, I will never be sitting in those seats. The dick didn't even understand he did something wrong until someone explained the basic fundamentals of the game he was supposed to be enjoying. At Shea, he would have been doused in beer by real fans. He deserved to be doused in gasoline.

The sheepish, shit-eating grin he was sporting made me want to crush his $900 eyewear into a tangle of wire and broken glass and grind the remains permanently into the braces keeping his mule teeth from protruding past his Posada-esque proboscis.

Yeah, it was one game. But last year in September, it would have been real nice to have another win in April. Fans are supposed to support the home team not skull fuck it to death. It's not just the one game, its the idea that only filthy rich people can afford to go to baseball games and filthy rich people are not necessarily good fans.

When that loathsome, foul-smelling, tallow-skinned, excuse for a Mets fan got home last night, after he picked the foul-smelling smegma from his orthodontics and lured the cheese-like secretions from the endless whiteheads on his pasty face, after he put his new souvenir baseball next to the 10 RBI ball stamped with a facsimile of Alex Rodriguez's autograph, after he put his brand new, official 2009 alternative inaugural Citi Field Mets cap next to his worn only once, official 2008 last year of Yankee Stadium Yankees cap, the sonofabitch probably slept like a baby.