Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Jason Giambi? A Nation Turns its Lonely Eyes to You

From the PtB archives:
Giambi Wins A.L. Comeback Player Award

Robert Melonosky, Associated Press

Before meeting Jose Canseco, Giambi didn't know that constantly masturbating was causing him to be skinny and feeble-minded.

NEW YORK - Jason Giambi arrived at spring training unsure whether he could return to the ranks of baseball's top power hitters without his beloved steroids. After the first three months of the season, he was batting .195 with only five homeruns. New York Yankee manager Joe Torre asked Giambi to go down to the minors for the good of the team. "I told him no way," said Giambi, "and I went back on the juice and the human growth hormones."

Giambi was rewarded for lying and cheating Thursday when fans voted him the AL Comeback Player of the Year. Suffering from girlie ankles, a "stomach virus," an atrophed penis, a "respiratory infection," an intestinal parasite from the planet Mars and a benign pituitary tumor, all directly related to his abuse of steroids, Giambi hit .208 with 12 homers and 40 RBIs in 2004. He was so weak at the end of the season that when he went into a steroid-induced rage, he was beaten up by Mariano Rivera.

"I am truly humbled by this award," Giambi lied, sweating profusely as his greasy hair fell in front of his glazed eyes, "I would especially like to thank Arnold, our clubhouse boy, for tirelessly peeing into my sample jar and for popping the zits on my back and rock hard ass."

"I wanted nothing more than to prove to you and the people of New York that I could face adversity and comeback to be the player I once was," Giambi said. Maybe now Babe Ruth will stop spinning in his grave everytime Yankee announcer John Sterling calls Giambi, "The Giambini."

Three weeks later, through a lot of not-so-bad workouts and many painful injections, Giambi became a real man. He remained feeble-minded.

The New York media has made this Oakland A's series into the Second Coming of Jesus Giambi. I didn't listen to the radio broadcast but I'm sure that during Giambi's first at bat Suzyn Waldman cried a river of tears then visited all the Stations of the Cross. I have come to the conclusion that cellphones have damaged an entire generation's collective memory. Jason Giambi was a bum. The Yankees never won the World Series with Giambi. He was a poor post-season performer. He was a terrible fielder. He admitted to injecting himself with steroids and human growth hormone. One positive note, he did walk a lot.

Here's a reminder Yankee fans. The front cover of your favorite NY daily back in December 2004:

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