iPad Mini Cooper

I want an iPad Mini Cooper.

Pound the Budweiser's Tuesday Tweets of the Week*

On October 19th, twitter had a meme called #BoringHorrorMovies. For the twilliterate, that means Boring Horror Movies. I went batshit crazy and you missed the fun because you do not follow me on twitter. Here are my boring horror movie tweets in roughly the order I tweeted them.

The House of Frank Epstein
The Ex Has A Cyst
Psycho Somatic
Rosemary's Abortion
Night of the Leavened Bread
Interview With a Damp Liar
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because I am Your Teacher and I Have to Grade Your Paper
Godzilla Talks About Golf
The Last House on the Left has a For Sale Sign
Night of the Unleavened Bread (because it would be more boringer and way more horrific)
House of Wax Poetic
Abbott and Costello Meet Bill Maher
Stephen King's Shit
Children on My Lawn

*IN TECHNICOLOR! When I tweet, 9 followers 8 followers 6 followers 8 16 followers can see it. When I blog, 600 visitors a day can see it. Sadly, 99.99999% of these blog visitors are looking for Bristol Palin's camel toe, how to eat a pussy diagrams and Sandra Bullock's ass.

Fun with Twitter: I Have a Conversation Of Sorts With Steve Martin

Yesterday I had a conversation with Steve Martin, my idol/hero/favorite person ever. Before twitter this would have been impossible. Thank you twitter!

I have been a Steve Martin fan forever. You haven't really laughed until you've rolled on the red shag carpeting in the basement of Dave Cunningham's house laughing at "Let's Get Small" while really high.

Just like Sam from "Freaks and Geeks," I had a Steve Martin Best Fishes Poster hanging on my closet door. And if I had ever managed to get a girl into that bedroom, while she gazed at the greatness of Steve, I could have recited word for word every SNL bit, every track from every album and every scrap of dialog from "The Jerk." Poor girls didn't know what they were missing.

"I was raised a poor black child" was my standard pickup line throughout the 80s.

So,when the REAL Steve Martin tweeted this yesterday I was ready, willing and able to respond.

Okay, its not his best work. I think it probably falls somewhere between the 82nd rendition of the Wild and Crazy Guys when Bill Murray replaced Dan Akyroyd and "Cruel Shoes."

Within a minute I replied with "When my twitter account isn't funny I put bologna in its shoes." And then followed within seconds with a carefully crafted additional reply, "Darn it, should have been I put bologna in the little bird's shoes."  I had created comedy gold, spontaneously, within the constraints of 140 characters. I awaited my idol's response, confident that my genius could not be ignored and that a possible mentor relationship might arise with little bird wings.

While I waited, I was disappointed to see that a guy nemed Chesney had snuck in and broken up my comedic run with a little ass kissing. Oh well, maybe it actually added to the timing.

So what did I get from Mister Bigshot Steve Martin? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. A bupkis sandwich. 

Could it be that Mister Bigshot Steve Martin's personal assistant doesn't remember that bit?

King Paul Ryan Joffrey of House Lannister

Last night I was watching the Vice Presidential debates, all those closeups of Paul Ryan squirming in his chair and fondling his water cup and I'm thinking, who does this creepy guy look like? Golem from Lord of the Rings? A little.  The evil little girl from Little House on the Prairie? Kind of. Then it hit me.

Paul Ryan is the reincarnation of evil King Joffrey, Protector of the Realm, the bastard son of the incestual fornification of Cersei and Jamie Lannister.  It all makes sense. They look alike and they think alike.

The Lannisters are the richest family in the Seven Kingdoms obsessed with gold and power.  Paul Ryan is obsessed with gold and power. King Joffrey is reckless, cruel, whinny and blames all the problems he creates on others. Paul Ryan is yadda, yadda, yadda.

And they both have the same plan for dealing with the "small folk" or "the middle class" that get in their way.

Eva Longoria Dating Mark Sanchez: The Doctor is In

Gorgeous Eva Longoria is dating hunky Mark Sanchez! Yes, it is time for more hard-hitting sports journalism from the staff at PoundTheBudweiser. Is Eva dating Mark or is she really dating the pool boy from Desperate Housewives? That's not Mark up there with Eva looking stage right with concern and foreboding. It's Jesse Metcalfe! The hot pool boy slash boy toy that Eva's character Gabby was tearing up throughout the early years of the show.

That's Mark Sanchez looking stage right with concern and foreboding as his football career gets sacked by a head coach so clueless about offense that I'm personally offended.

I'm no psychologist but lie down on my couch Dr. Freud and grab some tissues!  Without the bikini wax those boy toys are fricking identical. Do you think that Mark has to do some roleplaying in order to get Gabby , I mean Eva, all hot and juicy?  If I gained a few pounds and grew some facial hair, I could pass for a pasty Carlos. Do you think I could score some smouldering, Eva Longoria guilt sex?

I know what you're thinking, who cares if Eva Longoria is secretly wishing she was banging Jesse Metcalfe when she's banging Mark Sanchez, you just admitted that you watch Desperate Housewives -- which is gayer than watching Tim Tebow running shirtless in the rain. Hold on there friend. I wore out my Eva Longoria FHM Wet Dream issue from October 2004. Night after night and twice on Saturdays, I rode that magazine hard and put it away wet.

And that video of Eva kissing the pool boy's boo boo? You know the one. It was a top ten youtube video for three years running on my laptop when that laptop was in the bathroom in my apartment. That video is still a go to cork popper when it's 1 AM and I have to get up for work in four hours.

Tim Tebow Obsession = Gay
Eva Longoria Obsession = Not Gay