Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Willard "Mitt" Romney: King of the Rats

Mitt is not Mitt Romney's real name. His real first name is Willard. Willard Mitt Romney.

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Everyone knows that Willard is the guy that sleeps with rats. And talks to rats. And caresses rats gently as he plots his revenge on all those that are not incredibly rich, or Wall Street Scumbags Rats, or have teased him about his hair and his love of rats.

Why did Mr. and Mrs. George W. Romney name their youngest son Willard?

Wikipedia would have you believe that Willard "Mitt" Romney was named after hotel magnate J. Willard Marriot, one of his father's closest and poorest friends.  But we know who controls Wikipedia, don't we? No, not the Jews. Please, try to concentrate. That's right, the Scientologists...  or the Mormons. Same difference, they both hate women, worship in strange and unusual ways and secretly blow washed up movie stars while they sleep.

Willard Mitt Romney is the King of the Rats. The rats do his bidding. When he speaks to the rats, the rats obey. We have no evidence concerning actual rodents but rats with two legs? Rock solid sources. Just ask all the regular folks fired when the Rat King was running Bain Capital.  

The investigative journalists at PtB may not be very well paid, and they may not be very good and they may not be journalists but they are thorough and think about toupées a lot.

Have you ever seen Willard "Mitt" Romney without his toupée?  Neither have we.  So, in an effort to keep our investigations complete, we had one of our interns fire up the photoshop and defrock Mr. Romney -- with frightening results.

Mitt Romney toupee, Mitt Romney real hair, Mitt Romney bald

Great Scott!  The plot thickens.

Mitt Flip Flop Romney, funny Romney

Put yourself in poor Mitt Romney's sh... Ouch, that's not just an oxymoron that's an oxy-unfuckingbelievable! Okay, put yourself in young Mitt Romney's shoes. Yes, I know that you, me, and the State of Mississippi can't afford his shoes but it's called empathy. Try it. You Republicans can sit this one out. I don't want you to hurt yourselves.

Mitt or Willard. Flip or flop. Pretentiously ridiculous or smothered with bubonic plague. Poor, little rich boy.

*Yes, I noticed that Mitt Romney only lets the white rat sit on his shoulder. Let's not jump to conclusions.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Glory Days -- Books I Writed Part X

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

John Cardinal O'Farrell and the Amazing Girl-to-Boy Serum written by Bob Melonosky
John Cardinal O'Farrell and the Amazing Girl-to-Boy Serum, 1995 -- Deep beneath the Archdioceses of Greater Boston, in his secret laboratory, our hero, John Cardinal O'Farrell perfects his amazing serum -- despite the meddling antics of the evil, heterosexual government agent, Capt. Larry "The Lutheran" Lawrence.

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat no, sorry, Spear written by Bob Melonosky, wide open beavers inside!

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Spear, 1986 -- Sadly, my best selling book to date. Set during the idyllic summer of 1963, on the beautiful, unspoiled beaches of North Carolina' s outer banks, it's a rollicking celebration of the love of an octopus and her best boy.  No beavers were opened wide for this novel.

Commie Commie Bang Bang written by Bob Melonosky

Commie Commie Bang Bang, 2003 -- When the KGB steals a magic car invented by Professor Caractacus Potts, Dick Van Dyke gets to work on his less than believable English accent and a Berwick Street strumpet/hooker named Truly Scrumptious.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Glory Days -- Books I Writed Part 9

More books from the box in my mom's attic.
Dr. Hasbro and the First Barbie written by Bob Melonosky
Dr. Hasbro and the First Barbie, 1991 -- The evil Dr. Hasbro kidnaps the first Barbie model from ace toy designer Matt Mattel and uses her to compensate for the inadequate size of his penis when he takes photos for his Facebook page.

Elaine! Benjamin Braddock Zombie Hunter written by Bob Melonosky
Elaine! Benjamin Braddock Zombie Hunter, 2000 -- Recent college grad Benjamin spends his days lounging in his parent's pool and his nights fighting zombies. When he shows up uninvited at his true love's wedding, he's a mess.  Is it from running all the way from Beverly Hills to Santa Barbara or has the hunter become... a zombie?

Van der Graaf Zap-ellin written by Bob Melonosky
Van Der Graaf Zap-ellin, 1990 -- Back when steam was what heated my fourth floor walk-up and punk was the guy Clint Eastwood had a problem with, I wrote this proto-cool story while high on three tablespoons of nutmeg and half a bottle of Aqua-Velva Blue. Tennis cutie Steffi travels the country in her tricked out van with Scott Baio and me and the always horny Ellen Barkin

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Glory Days -- Books I Writed Part 8

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Beach Blanket Berlin! written by Bob Melonosky
Beach Blanket Berlin!, 2001 -- Eric Von Zipper, the leader of the Malibu Rat Pack Biker Gang, joins the American Nazi Party, kidnaps all the guys and brings them to Berlin for a PR stunt that causes quite a führer.

Congressionally Blonde written by Bob Melonosky
Congressional Blonde, 1994 -- Elle Woods wants her chihuahua, Bruiser, to reunite with his mother, because she would like Bruiser's mom to attend Elle and Emmett's wedding. Elle hires a detective to find Bruiser's mother, only to discover that the company that has her dog's mother is a cosmetics company that uses Bruiser's mother for cosmetic testing. She finds out that her law firm represents the C'est Magnifique Corporation. Elle decides to leave Boston, where she and Bruiser have settled with her fiancé Emmett, and go to Wahington, DC to work on Bruiser's Bill. Elle is upset that her dog's mother is in a make-up testing laboratory, and decides to take it upon herself to be the "voice for those who can't speak" and to outlaw animal testing. While working for Congresswoman Victoria Rudd, Elle is met with skepticism and other barriers common to Washington politics. Rudd's member of staff, Timothy, sarcastically calls her "Capitol Barbie." After a variety of ups and downs including a failed attempt to improve her work environment by having her co-workers write compliments about one another and place them in the "snap cup", Elle starts to lose her faith in Washington politics. As the story moves along, Elle discovers that Bruiser is actually a homosexual, after she is paged by "The Paws that Refreshes: A Doggy Day Spa." Bruiser has been affectionate with Leslie, a Rottweiller owned by Congressman Stan Marks, the Chairman of some committee which has jurisdiction over Bruiser's Bill. Elle also finds that Congresswoman Libby Hauser, the Ranking Member of the same committee, was a member of Delta Nu. As a result, both Marks and Hauser warm to Elle and eventually come to support Bruiser's Bill. Elle also discovers that Congresswoman Rudd has actually been working against her. So Elle becomes a lobbyist and sleeps with a bunch of fat, bald, smelly congressmen. The End.

It Gave Her Head in More Ways Than ONe written by Bob Melonosky, funny LOTR, funny Golem having sex, funny Lord of the Rings, LOTR funny

It Gave Her Head In More Ways Than One, 1990 -- Golem shacks up with a hot, redheaded witch and forgets all about that stupid ring.