Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I Invent a New Game at Work
The game is called Destroy the Pink Thing in the Urinal that Smells Like your Aunt Amy. Don't give up yet, I'm better at inventing games than I am at naming them.
Before we begin I'd like to give a shout out to the interior designer that toiled on the men's room at work. The beigy/gray color scheme perfectly captures the nightmarish quality of my job in porcelain, tile and grout. Bravo!
Have I mentioned that my job sucks worse than Karl Rove with a mouthful of broken glass?
Back to the game. The goal is to destroy the pink thing in your favorite urinal before everyone else destroys the pink thing in the other urinal. Simple premise but deceptively deep with respect to strategy.
The key is to pee a lot and to aim for a very specific spot on the pink thing. I call it the target and so should you.
At work I pee a lot. I find it breaks up the monotony and allows me to get out of my chair without pissing off my boss. Funny that pissing on his time doesn't piss him off as much as blogging.
I was concerned about how often I pee until I read on answers.yahoo.com that frequent urination is caused by the uterus pressing on the bladder. I'm pretty sure I don't have a uterus. I know I have a bladder, a massive bladder that is always near capacity.
Back to the game. Imagine there's a clock on top of the pink thing and that it's set on 65% transparency. I like to imagine a Pugg clock available from Ikea for the low price of $14.99. Now imagine that the cleaning guy stuck the pink thing in properly so that it lines up at right angles to your hip bones, or in line with your dick if you'd rather. Aim for the 7:00 o'clock. Aim there everytime you pee.
All the other guys will not pee there. They pee towards the back end of the pink thing or off to the side. Through careful observation and a few angry conversations, I've discovered that these men fear pink splatter on their trousers. I've also discovered that the size of my penis compares quite favorably to the other men at work and that guys don't like it when the guy at the other urinal looks at their small penises.
Do not fear the pink splatter. It doesn't happen. Those pink things have been carefully engineered and undergone excessive testing.
More about the game tomorrow. I have to pee.