Friday, November 22, 2013
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Nothing turns on a teenaged Catholic girl more than a boy that sings like an angleic girl. After nailing the high C in Miserere mei, Deus I'd strut past the tear-stained faces of Father O'Reilly and Father Harrigan to the community room where I was treated like Mr. Justin B.
I was THE boy soprano at St. Matt's, you know, the one over by the expressway. In my neighborhood, I was responsible for more damp panties than Leif Garrett and Scott Baio combined.
See that hot blonde in the demure sweater vest and white tights? One night she hit on me so hard in the rectory I was sore for a week. Rectory? She nearly killed me. In the photo, I'm standing next to Donna "Lefty" Mantione, the girl in the plaid mini-skirt. We called her Lefty on account of her left knee was 6 inches higher than her right knee. Lefty hated me but her mom, Mrs. Mantione? She used to rub my weiner whenever I got my hair cut at her husbands shop.
Then Joseph Michael DePietro moved into the neighborhood. His family came east from Bensonhurst in a sky blue Cadillac stuffed full of dreams of a better life -- but it was my life that would be forever changed.
As you can see from the photo, Joseph Michael was a smug, confident, little mothereffer. His hair came euipped with a curl that screamed out "I don't want to be so adorable, I tried to stay up there with rest of the hair, I just can't help falling down onto Joseph Michael's forehead." Oh, Joseph Michael was better looking than me and younger than me and was always called Joseph Michael.
I was just Bob. I was just Bob and during Christmas break a couple of short stubby hairs had appeared under my arms. By Ash Wednesday, I was sporting a bush that would have put the fear of God into Moses himself. We were practicing for Good Friday mass when my voice broke for the first time.
"Sing in your head, Mr. Melonosky not your chest. Again from the top. Proceed," screamed a stressed out Sister Agnes. And again my voice cracked. She whipped out her ruler and to my surprise she used it to point to young Joseph Michael. "You get up there and try it Joseph Michael."
Theresa Sagitaria let out an audible gasp and a single tear rolled down her rosy cheek and got caught in the slight moustache that tickled so nicely when we necked in the coat closet of the Catechism Classroom.
I stepped down from the pimp spot and headed over to the lowly tenors who all scootched over leaving enough room for three former boy sopranos.
When Joseph Michael sang, actual angels stopped singing to listen. Then those angels ripped their wings off and headed straight for a bar. Which is where I would have headed if I had enough facial hair to pass for eighteen.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 11/20/13
Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Karlie Kloss shows some underboob at Victoria's Secret Afterparty
My comment: Underboob is my second most favorite part of a boob. Karlie's underboobs are kaptivating!
Underboob. Klassic. Unfamiliar with the favored terminology of Britain's venerable Royal Society of Medicine? Here's a quick lesson.
The thoracic region is my second most favorite region of the female body. Here's an anatomical diagram of my favorite region.
Mamma mia! Jessica Simpson shows off fantastic post baby body
My Comment: What about that massive body looks fantastic? She looks like she swallowed a zebra! Do you guys look at the photos before you write this stuff?
Which one is the fat zebra and which one is the fat ______? What is Jessica Simpson exactly? I forget. Let's go with fat blonde.
Can you find Jessica Simpson in this Serengeti landscape? It's like Finding Waldo, look for the stripes. Jessica, never the brightest ass in the herd, has made a fashion faux pas with her choice of a massive black handbag. A hungry hyena will no doubt separate her from the safety of her fellow zebras and eat her for lunch. She will be a big meal.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
Kate Moss the Playboy Bunny: First glimpse of supermodel on her dare-to-bare 40th birthday shoot
My comment: In the olden days, real Playboy Bunnies were required to have boobs. Rating ▲2
Like what you see, Taylor? Miss Swift admires cleavage at Victoria's Secret Fashion Show... before getting a cheeky pat on the bottom herself
My comment: Maybe Taylor should try a woman. She has had terrible luck with men. Rating ▲24
Is it a major heat wave? Topless Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion enjoys sun-soaked Rio honeymoon with Brazilian husband
My Comment: Looks like there's a growing high pressure system is his Speedos. Sam looks great for 52. Rating ▲161
Quite the welcoming party! Justin Bieber's private jet searched by custom officials after arriving home to U.S.
My comment: Disgusting! George W. Bush and Dick Cheney snort coke in the White House yet these Federal bozos mistreat my boy Justin because he's Canadian. Beibeliever 4ever! Rating ▼1
I know. One fricking down arrow. Why? I have a theory. In order to click on the red arrow, a visitor has to see the comment. This comment took at least 12 hours to show up on the homepage and by that time there were several newer Justin Beiber stories on the site. You wouldn't think it but people like Justin and Kim and every reality star on a Fox show do newsworthy things every few minutes.
Glee mini-me! Lea Michele posts Instagram shots of herself and Fox show co-stars with their Muppet lookalikes
My Comment: It's funny that the only Glee Muppet with legs is the guy whose legs don't work. Rating ▲5
On a normal website making fun of a diabled kid would garner a negative response. God bless The Daily Mail.
An entire Rejected Daily Mail Comment post and nothing on the Kardashians? Say it ain't so. It ain't so. Here are three cheap shots that got through but aren't worth individual photos.
Fuller-faced Rob Kardashian battles the bulge as he steps out in a not-so-slimming black ensemble
My Comment: Kim might be fatter. Do you look at the photos before you write this stuff? Rating ▲0
Kim Kardashian squeezes her most famous asset into a VERY tight, sheer pencil skirt for a trip to her cosmetic treatment center
My comment: That skirt must be made out of the same stuff as Superman's suit. Talk about some serious tension and some serious lack of fashion common sense. Rating ▲13
Kim Kardashian 'pulled over for speeding by police' on busy LA freeway... and the incident causes 'traffic chaos'
My Comment: Kim Kardashian passed a driver's test? Unbelievable. Isn't reading required? Rating ▲1
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Karlie Kloss shows some underboob at Victoria's Secret Afterparty
My comment: Underboob is my second most favorite part of a boob. Karlie's underboobs are kaptivating!
Underboob. Klassic. Unfamiliar with the favored terminology of Britain's venerable Royal Society of Medicine? Here's a quick lesson.
The thoracic region is my second most favorite region of the female body. Here's an anatomical diagram of my favorite region.
Mamma mia! Jessica Simpson shows off fantastic post baby body
My Comment: What about that massive body looks fantastic? She looks like she swallowed a zebra! Do you guys look at the photos before you write this stuff?
Which one is the fat zebra and which one is the fat ______? What is Jessica Simpson exactly? I forget. Let's go with fat blonde.
Can you find Jessica Simpson in this Serengeti landscape? It's like Finding Waldo, look for the stripes. Jessica, never the brightest ass in the herd, has made a fashion faux pas with her choice of a massive black handbag. A hungry hyena will no doubt separate her from the safety of her fellow zebras and eat her for lunch. She will be a big meal.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
Kate Moss the Playboy Bunny: First glimpse of supermodel on her dare-to-bare 40th birthday shoot
My comment: In the olden days, real Playboy Bunnies were required to have boobs. Rating ▲2
Like what you see, Taylor? Miss Swift admires cleavage at Victoria's Secret Fashion Show... before getting a cheeky pat on the bottom herself
My comment: Maybe Taylor should try a woman. She has had terrible luck with men. Rating ▲24
Is it a major heat wave? Topless Good Morning America weatherman Sam Champion enjoys sun-soaked Rio honeymoon with Brazilian husband
My Comment: Looks like there's a growing high pressure system is his Speedos. Sam looks great for 52. Rating ▲161
Quite the welcoming party! Justin Bieber's private jet searched by custom officials after arriving home to U.S.
My comment: Disgusting! George W. Bush and Dick Cheney snort coke in the White House yet these Federal bozos mistreat my boy Justin because he's Canadian. Beibeliever 4ever! Rating ▼1
I know. One fricking down arrow. Why? I have a theory. In order to click on the red arrow, a visitor has to see the comment. This comment took at least 12 hours to show up on the homepage and by that time there were several newer Justin Beiber stories on the site. You wouldn't think it but people like Justin and Kim and every reality star on a Fox show do newsworthy things every few minutes.
Glee mini-me! Lea Michele posts Instagram shots of herself and Fox show co-stars with their Muppet lookalikes
My Comment: It's funny that the only Glee Muppet with legs is the guy whose legs don't work. Rating ▲5
On a normal website making fun of a diabled kid would garner a negative response. God bless The Daily Mail.
An entire Rejected Daily Mail Comment post and nothing on the Kardashians? Say it ain't so. It ain't so. Here are three cheap shots that got through but aren't worth individual photos.
Fuller-faced Rob Kardashian battles the bulge as he steps out in a not-so-slimming black ensemble
My Comment: Kim might be fatter. Do you look at the photos before you write this stuff? Rating ▲0
Kim Kardashian squeezes her most famous asset into a VERY tight, sheer pencil skirt for a trip to her cosmetic treatment center
My comment: That skirt must be made out of the same stuff as Superman's suit. Talk about some serious tension and some serious lack of fashion common sense. Rating ▲13
Kim Kardashian 'pulled over for speeding by police' on busy LA freeway... and the incident causes 'traffic chaos'
My Comment: Kim Kardashian passed a driver's test? Unbelievable. Isn't reading required? Rating ▲1
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 11/13/13
Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Couple choose HORSE as bridesmaid (but she wasn't allowed in the church)
My comment: I've heard of horse-faced women but this is ridiculous. Oh wait, is that one a real horse?
9/11 families' fury after two British students WIN fancy dress competition wearing TWIN TOWERS outfits
My comment: The North Tower is hot!!! (No pun intended.)
Okay, calm down people. Granted she has questionable judgement but she is attractive. Would it help to imagine me consensually banging her in costume, if I was dressed as a New York City fireman? Because lately, that is my "go to" fantasy.
Cute photos of hamsters baring their backsides go viral as the animal kingdom hops on the belfie bandwagon
My comment: Oh great, now Kim will take a belfie of a hamster butt coming out of her butt.
Will belfie be Oxford Dictionary's Word of the Year 2013? Damn, in the time it took for me to type that sentence Kim Kardashian has posted another belfie.
I knew she visited my blog.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Couple choose HORSE as bridesmaid (but she wasn't allowed in the church)
My comment: I've heard of horse-faced women but this is ridiculous. Oh wait, is that one a real horse?
9/11 families' fury after two British students WIN fancy dress competition wearing TWIN TOWERS outfits
My comment: The North Tower is hot!!! (No pun intended.)
Okay, calm down people. Granted she has questionable judgement but she is attractive. Would it help to imagine me consensually banging her in costume, if I was dressed as a New York City fireman? Because lately, that is my "go to" fantasy.
Cute photos of hamsters baring their backsides go viral as the animal kingdom hops on the belfie bandwagon
My comment: Oh great, now Kim will take a belfie of a hamster butt coming out of her butt.
Will belfie be Oxford Dictionary's Word of the Year 2013? Damn, in the time it took for me to type that sentence Kim Kardashian has posted another belfie.
I knew she visited my blog.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
Paula Deen's husband 'walks out
after she confronts him about alleged year-long affair with 'sexy' brunette'
My comment: Who's he having an affair with? Mrs. Claus? Rating ▲389
Amputee Jonas Zimick wins first prize in fancy dress modelling contest as one-legged pirate
Striking images look like any
other collection of photographs... but they are in fact pencil
drawings
My comment: A camera would be quicker, and probably better, and in color. What's the point? Rating ▼39
Amputee Jonas Zimick wins first prize in fancy dress modelling contest as one-legged pirate
My comment: On leg day, he only has to do half the
reps. Not really fair. Rating ▼32
Because he's obviously a bodybuilder. Funny and red. It's a win/win.
Just 50,000 people have signed up for Obamacare insurance on Healthcare.gov
My comment: First, you rightwing nutjobs hated ObamaCare, now you can't sign up fast enough. Make up your minds! Rating ▼28
Finally, after years of trying, I get an ObamaCare comment through. Big whoops. Calling Kourtney the ugliest Kardashian gets more of a reponse.
Because he's obviously a bodybuilder. Funny and red. It's a win/win.
Just 50,000 people have signed up for Obamacare insurance on Healthcare.gov
My comment: First, you rightwing nutjobs hated ObamaCare, now you can't sign up fast enough. Make up your minds! Rating ▼28
Finally, after years of trying, I get an ObamaCare comment through. Big whoops. Calling Kourtney the ugliest Kardashian gets more of a reponse.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
The Week in Alba - 11/6/13
My weekly recap of The Daily Mail's obsession with Jessica Alba.
Here are this week's scintillating scotoma of Jessica Alba articles:
Oct. 29: Jessica Alba looks out of her element
Oct. 29: Jessica Alba shows off huge prosthetic bump
Oct. 31: Jessica Alba plants a passionate kiss on Pierce Brosnan
Oct. 31: Mommy and me time! Actress Jessica Alba takes her little princess to work
Nov. 3: Jessica Alba drapes her slender frame in loose tunic
Nov. 4: Jessica Alba's co-star Ben McKenzie sneaks a peek as actress adjusts her tight dress
Worst Week in Alba, ever. Inexplicably, during a week when the actress is filming a movie in public view, she only gets 6 articles. Trouble in paradise? Rupert Murdoch refused to comment.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Throwback Thursday - Half Hollow Hills High School East Computer Club
I'm the rugged looking guy strategically positioned behind the only female member of the Computer Club.
Back in 10th grade, I was able to program a working version of TREK73 in BASIC that we all played on the teletype machines. I remember that typing the number 4 armed the photon torpedos. Then you were able to choose a number between 1-10 for intensity but don't deplete your dilithium crystals or you were a floating chunk of cosmic debris.
The suspense as you waited for the teletype machine to type out your opponent's response was spine tingling. After days of intense gameplay, winning felt like scoring the winning touchdown, probably.
Because I was the best programmer in the club I got to date Gina and eventually we engaged in sexual intercourse. She told me that my love making was like an endless loop that caused her entire system to become unresponsive.
Bill Gates got nothing on me.
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