Obviously, I got nothing. Do me better and you'll win a rare UncleMelon.com t-shirt*
*Employees, their immediate family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this prize.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Donald Sterling Cartoon Needs a Funny Caption
Donald Sterling Cartoon - funny caption contest.
Obviously, I got nothing. Do me better and you'll win a rare UncleMelon.com t-shirt*
*Employees, their immediate family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this prize.
Obviously, I got nothing. Do me better and you'll win a rare UncleMelon.com t-shirt*
*Employees, their immediate family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this prize.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/16/14
Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
They can't keep their hands off each other! Kate and Wills show they're very much in love with tactile displays of affection
My Comment: Back at Oxford, when I was dating Kate, we used to show our love with projectile relays of infection. Good times.
When Kate used to pat my shoulder firmly, I'd shiver with anticipation and have warm memories of my old rugby coach, Mr. Tully.
Jake Gyllenhaal's ex Emily DiDonato displays her curvaceous figure in several sexy outfits on the beach
My Comment: Wow, Emily looks gorgeous! I'd Fap all over that Island. Oops, I just did.
Kim Kardashian wants an eye-popping booty that everyone notices
My Comment: If she grew a tail, her posterior would be worshiped as a monkey-god in India.
Heidi Klum, 40, goes topless while frolicking with her 27-year-old toyboy lover Vito
My Comment: A chubby, flabby boy toy? Where do I apply for the job?
Kim Kardashian lands on her ample derriere after taking a
tumble
My Comment: Kim is supposed to look like Audrey Hepburn? It looks like she ate Audrey Hepburn for breakfast, with a side of bacon.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
Kim Kardashian reveals new short hair while shopping in Paris
My Comment: Kim looks like one of the guys from Tron except she's too fat to ride a Light Cycle. Rating ▲1
Billionaire Howard Lutnick sues Southampton zoning boards and MEMBERS for $56m because they reject his plans to build a basketball court
My Comment: If he doesn't like it, he should take his billions and move to Russia. Good riddance. Real men play basketball at public playgrounds. Another rich wimp. Rating ▼54
I'd love to ball with this 1%er pussy. He's bald like Michael but he looks soft, and white, like a kitten's belly.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time Woody Harrelson showed up at our court at the 14th St. Y over on First Avenue. Woody didn't have much game -- but the weed? SportsCenter highlight worthy.
Indian boy with a tail worshipped as a monkey-like god
My Comment: A heartwarming story. The Indians have always been an accepting and tolerant people, willing to caste off their differences and embrace everyone without prejudice. Rating ▼152
Wasn't sure why this comment was getting so much negative response -- until I saw the comments on my comment. The sarcasm was lost and anti-Indianism was carrying the vote. I'll take the ▼152 anyway I can. BTW, there was an Indian monkey-god with a tail story a few weeks ago, submitted same comment, didn't get through.
'It hurts my feelings': Kylie Jenner, 16, slams plastic surgery claims branding them 'insulting'
My Comment: Don't go under the knife, if you can't take the strife. -- Emily Dickinson Rating ▲56
Without the Kardashians, The Daily Mail would be just two pages of monkey tail stories.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
My Comment: Back at Oxford, when I was dating Kate, we used to show our love with projectile relays of infection. Good times.
When Kate used to pat my shoulder firmly, I'd shiver with anticipation and have warm memories of my old rugby coach, Mr. Tully.
My Comment: Wow, Emily looks gorgeous! I'd Fap all over that Island. Oops, I just did.
My Comment: If she grew a tail, her posterior would be worshiped as a monkey-god in India.
My Comment: A chubby, flabby boy toy? Where do I apply for the job?
My Comment: Kim is supposed to look like Audrey Hepburn? It looks like she ate Audrey Hepburn for breakfast, with a side of bacon.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
My Comment: Kim looks like one of the guys from Tron except she's too fat to ride a Light Cycle. Rating ▲1
My Comment: If he doesn't like it, he should take his billions and move to Russia. Good riddance. Real men play basketball at public playgrounds. Another rich wimp. Rating ▼54
I'd love to ball with this 1%er pussy. He's bald like Michael but he looks soft, and white, like a kitten's belly.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time Woody Harrelson showed up at our court at the 14th St. Y over on First Avenue. Woody didn't have much game -- but the weed? SportsCenter highlight worthy.
My Comment: A heartwarming story. The Indians have always been an accepting and tolerant people, willing to caste off their differences and embrace everyone without prejudice. Rating ▼152
Wasn't sure why this comment was getting so much negative response -- until I saw the comments on my comment. The sarcasm was lost and anti-Indianism was carrying the vote. I'll take the ▼152 anyway I can. BTW, there was an Indian monkey-god with a tail story a few weeks ago, submitted same comment, didn't get through.
My Comment: Don't go under the knife, if you can't take the strife. -- Emily Dickinson Rating ▲56
Without the Kardashians, The Daily Mail would be just two pages of monkey tail stories.
Friday, April 11, 2014
My Breakfast Bet of the Day
I bought a chocolate danish today that looks just like Neil Gaiman so I placed a £12,00 bet on Neil to win the Masters. Drinks are on me!
Queen Latifah's Melons
Sometimes this blog makes me smile.
Like when I saw "Queen Latifah's melons" as a search term in the site statistics. Somebody typed "Queen Latifah's melons" into google and then visited my site. Cool. But why?
Turns out that I'm number 1 for "Queen Latifah's melons" on google image search. Yippee! Click on the photo of Queen Latifah in the top left-hand corner and you end up at my blog.
I took my own trip to wikipedia and found out that when she isn't busy fulfilling all the duties required of the reigning Queen of Latifah, Queen Latifah is an accomplished, amateur botanical geneticist, responsible for the creation of the Latifah melon (Scientific name: Danaelainus owenis). It's a delicious cultivar of the traditional honey dew and the rare French Charentais.
Sadly, there are no melons belonging to Queen Latifah here. That google guy left disappointed -- which saddens me. After an exhaustive search of the internet that took 5 minutes, I could not find a single photo of "Queen Latifah's melons" to share with everyone.
Will citrus do? Looks juicy.
Like when I saw "Queen Latifah's melons" as a search term in the site statistics. Somebody typed "Queen Latifah's melons" into google and then visited my site. Cool. But why?
Turns out that I'm number 1 for "Queen Latifah's melons" on google image search. Yippee! Click on the photo of Queen Latifah in the top left-hand corner and you end up at my blog.
I took my own trip to wikipedia and found out that when she isn't busy fulfilling all the duties required of the reigning Queen of Latifah, Queen Latifah is an accomplished, amateur botanical geneticist, responsible for the creation of the Latifah melon (Scientific name: Danaelainus owenis). It's a delicious cultivar of the traditional honey dew and the rare French Charentais.
Sadly, there are no melons belonging to Queen Latifah here. That google guy left disappointed -- which saddens me. After an exhaustive search of the internet that took 5 minutes, I could not find a single photo of "Queen Latifah's melons" to share with everyone.
Will citrus do? Looks juicy.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/11/14
Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
'There have been a lot of people since me!' Nick Cannon disses Kim Kardashian as he reminds the world he once slept with her
My Comment: Sleeping with Kim Kardashian is like farting in an elevator, every guy has done it, we just don't admit to it.
When I wrote this joke last week, it was about how kissing Tara Reid was like farting in an elevator. I'm going to milk this baby like North milks mama.
Ivanka Trump takes adorable Arabella through her morning yoga routine
My Comment: I could "down dog pose" with Ivanka all day. You know, because I really like yoga.
Coming soon… another self-indulgent video: Bikini-clad Kim Kardashian flips her wet hair in a raunchy tease
My Comment: Free Willy!!! Whales should not be kept in captivity. Sad. #Blackfish
'What am I gonna do without him?' Miley Cyrus is inconsolable after beloved dog Floyd dies while she's away on tour
My Comment: Can you imagine the horrible, horrible things that dog had to watch? Poor dear probably killed himself.
Seriously, doesn't it look like the dog is afraid he'll get herpes?
Miley Cyrus goes topless and straddles a horse statue while holding a blunt in leaked new single cover
My Comment: Never before has so much been made of so little. Hope they hosed down that horse when they were done.
Yes, my bum looks big in this! Kim Kardashian reveals her inflated posterior in a tiny bikini as she poses for beach shoot
My Comment: Hey girls, Never go to the beach without your towel, sunscreen and photoshop.
See that fake looking gap between her left arm and her hip? Photoshop. Luckily, I have an old friend at the American Embassy in Thailand and she was able to send me the unaltered photo.
Kim Kardashian's butt before photoshop. Yummy!
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
She wants to look her best for the wedding photos': Kim Kardashian determined to shed another 5lbs for Kanye nuptials
My Comment: I think you left off a 0. She must want to lose 50 pounds before the wedding. Rating ▲35
I'm not usually a fat joke guy but the Kardashians are unbelievable. Rich liars are some of my least favorite people.
The Daily Mail - All the Kardashian News That's Fit to Print.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
My Comment: Sleeping with Kim Kardashian is like farting in an elevator, every guy has done it, we just don't admit to it.
When I wrote this joke last week, it was about how kissing Tara Reid was like farting in an elevator. I'm going to milk this baby like North milks mama.
My Comment: I could "down dog pose" with Ivanka all day. You know, because I really like yoga.
My Comment: Free Willy!!! Whales should not be kept in captivity. Sad. #Blackfish
My Comment: Can you imagine the horrible, horrible things that dog had to watch? Poor dear probably killed himself.
Seriously, doesn't it look like the dog is afraid he'll get herpes?
My Comment: Never before has so much been made of so little. Hope they hosed down that horse when they were done.
My Comment: Hey girls, Never go to the beach without your towel, sunscreen and photoshop.
See that fake looking gap between her left arm and her hip? Photoshop. Luckily, I have an old friend at the American Embassy in Thailand and she was able to send me the unaltered photo.
Kim Kardashian's butt before photoshop. Yummy!
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
My Comment: I think you left off a 0. She must want to lose 50 pounds before the wedding. Rating ▲35
I'm not usually a fat joke guy but the Kardashians are unbelievable. Rich liars are some of my least favorite people.
The Daily Mail - All the Kardashian News That's Fit to Print.
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