This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/30/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian shows off her bump in yet another all-beige outfit as she steps out for fancy Beverly Hills lunch
My Comment:  It looks like somebody accidentally stepped on Kim but then realized it and managed to stop before she was totally squished into a beige blob of silly putty. 

Not the funniest comment but truthful.  You look doubtful.

 What a lovely day in Beverly Hills.  I think I will go for a walk.

I'm a pretty big guy so even though I'm barefooted I don't always notice when I step on something insignificant.

That looks like a nice place to enjoy a fancy lunch.

Maybe after lunch, I'll meet up with the girls and get a man-pedi.  My feet are super gross.

Oh no!  I think I may have stepped on something squishy.

Yuck, I've stepped on silly putty or something lacking in the basic knowledge of style.

The very first Photoshopped picture? How image of General Ulysses S. Grant during Civil War battle was cleverly mocked up
My Comment:  Ulysses should have used Kim Kardashian's guy.  His butt and boobs would be way bigger and his beer belly would have magically disappeared.

"Former high school football says he was sexually assaulted..."
My Comment:  Since when is it against the law to molest a football?  What's next?  Honeydew melon alerts?

The Daily Mail, where we depend on our readers to do the actual editing.

That looks tasty! Cindy Crawford parades her flawless physique in tight top and flared jeans as she gets coffee in New York
My Comment:   It does look tasty. I would start out with tiny little sips and nibbles until my mouth got used to the heat.  Then I would slurp and quaff that tasty beverage until we were both satisfied, licking the foam off my lips before giving Cindy a goodnight kiss.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Horsing around with the Beckhams: Victoria posts sweet snap of daughter Harper on a pony ride... as shirtless David shows off new rose neck tattoo
My Comment:  Do you people never tire of Khloe Kardashian's big butt? Oh, it's a horse? Nevermind.  Rating ▼1

'I had to find my confidence first': Victoria Beckham talks about becoming a global fashion guru as she is named one of Glamour's Women Of The Year
My Comment:  Vicky should go look for her smile. Maybe it's hiding in the same place as her confidence.  Rating ▲28

Do I ever get tired of smile shaming Posh Spice?  Not yet.  Imagining gettng so much plastic surgery that you can't smile when your kids make you happy.  She should do a Public Service Announcement explaining the dangers of too much surgery or maybe get another face lift her jowls are starting to sag.

Christine Bleakley cuts a glamorous figure as she watches fiance Frank Lampard receive an OBE alongside his daughters Isla and Luna
My Comment:   I could watch Christine watch her fiancé all day. She is hot.  Rating ▼86


Any comment that fits this generic format: 

 I could watch  [Decent Looking Celebrity I Never Heard Of]  watch her [fiancé/husband/boyfriend/boy toy] all day 

 is red arrow gold.  I don't know why but I'm not complaining.

If I won a prestigious award, maybe the coveted Bloke That Looks Most Like an Accountant in Need of Shave Award 2015 , and Christine Bleakly was my fiancé, I would ask her to give me head wearing that hat.

While she was kneeling in front of me hobbing my knob,  I would put a marble at the very top of the hat and then try to award Christine for her efforts before the marble works its way to the bottom of the hat.

I submitted this fellatio fantasy as a comment but the Daily Mail rejected it.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/22/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Playboy will stop publishing photos of nude women - 62 years after Marilyn Monroe stripped off for the first issue
My Comment:  Now my dad will have to masturbate to the vodka ads. 

Khloe Kardashian 'splits' from boyfriend James Harden as she vows to stay by Lamar Odom's bedside...
My Comment: 

Khloe:  I'm sorry James but this is not about love, it's about ratings.

James:  Whatever.  You ugly. 

It's back to business for the Kardashians as Kim, Kylie, Kendall, Kourtney and Kris head to high-profile events
My Comment:  Kim looks like she is dressed up as a black olive for Halloween.  She looks uncomfortable, unattractive, and underwhelming.

If the whole pornstar/rapper ashtray thing doesn't work out, Kim should take dancing lessons and tryout for a gig with the California Olive Growers Association.

As Kanye has found out, extra virgin might cost a little more but its well worth it.

'It has been incredibly difficult': Khloe breaks her silence as it's revealed Lamar has made his first steps at LA hospital but may need a kidney transplant after drug binge
My Comment:  Imagine you're an organ donor and your kidney ends up in Lamar passing urine on to Khloe.  Yuck.

Lamar showering Khloe with his new kidney.  That's Kim Kardashian in the upper right corner waiting for her turn.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kim, Kris, Kourtney and Kylie pictured leaving behind Khloe as they fly off on private jet after visiting Lamar -  who offers a glimmer of hope by squeezing Kim's hand

My Comment:  If Khloe was a good wife, Lamar Odom would still be alive.  Rating ▲2


Using my considerable photoshop skills I think I have solved the Lamar Odom snorting a pile of cocaine, viagra and heroin mystery.  Remember that this photo of Lamar passed out in the brothel was taken even before the police were called.

If you look carefully at the doorway behind the bed you can see a woman with a fat ass.  Both of the hookers that Lamar paid to bang were skinny white chicks with no asses whatsoever -- which would worry me if I was Khloe.  If her brain damaged ex-ex-husband really loves her, why does he prefer a hooker with no ass?

But I digress, if you look even more carefully at that fat ass it is obvious from the implants and the bleached blonde hair that it is, none other than, Khloe Kardashian!

Here's a section of the photo enhanced using a photoshop filter called skankenhancer.

Why would Khloe Kardashian be at a brothel in the Nevada desert?  She may have been picking up some pocket money by blowing the cleaning crew or...

She may have poisoned Lamar Odom thereby insuring more camera time on the family TV show.  Kim is pregnant, Kourtney is hot, Kylie's hormones are raging out of control, when you're the ugliest Kardashian you might resort to malfeasance to get noticed.  Nobody wants to see James Harden sitting on a couch with a pampered pooch and I'm not talking about a Pomeranian.

I think Lamar got himself a koma not a coma.

I have forwarded my findings to the FBI and NYPD SVU.   

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/2/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

'It's a very new thing, she loves it': David Beckham reveals wife Victoria has a passion for tequila... and that he gifted her with a special bottle from Mexico
My Comment:  Really looks like she loves it.

Smile though your face is plastic
Smile though your skin's not elastic
When your cheeks start to wrinkle,  your eyes still can twinkle.

If you smile even though you're old and dried up.
Smile though your face might crack up.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
Even if you're not in style.

I take the time to write a love song for Vicky and The Daily Mail rejects it.  Love stinks.

MMA fighter complains that her big 12lb breasts are holding her back by forcing her to compete in a heavier division
My Comment:   Please don't get down about your big breasts.  They may hamper your marital arts fighting but they look great and are good for lots other things -- that I would be willing to show you if you promise not to kick me in the nuts.

Women in Warren Jeffs' mormon cult are forced to get pregnant by 'seed bearering' men while their husbands hold their hands and watch, claims exiled member
My Comment:  It's good thing Tom Cruise isn't a seed bearer because he's been shooting blanks his whole life.

Because the last time I called Tom Cruise a Mormon, I got more red arrows than a Mormon has wives.

The BIG reveal! Khloe Kardashian displays her peachy bottom in semi-sheer leggings... after unveiling newly blonde locks
My Comment:  Khloe's bottom looks like somebody shoved two watermelons up her ass and they're struggling to get out.

Comparing that fat ass to a peach is lazy journalism.  Let's visually compare Khloe's fat ass to a peach drawn to scale.

Wow.  A peach looks like an angry boil on Khloe's fat ass.

Now let's compare that ass to two big watermelons.

And I didn't even go to journalism school.

This analysis begs the question, How many peaches can fit in Khloe's fat ass?  We can derive a model and get a pretty good estimate.

The answer is 847 peaches can fit in Khloe Kardashian's fat ass.

Coincidentally (or not), The Daily Mail called Khloe's sister Kendall's ass peachy a couple of days later.

Wild Kendall Jenner goes braless and flashes her peachy derriere in a sexy sheer ensemble for late night dinner in Paris

Coincidentally (or not), Kendall Jenner happens to be carrying the exact peach we used in the Khloe fat ass analysis.

How many peaches do you think can fit in Kendall Jenner's perfectly shaped ass?

The answer is, Who the fuck cares?  I want to smother Kendall Jenner's perfectly shaped ass in peach cobbler and spend the weekend nibbling.



 
Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

'He got what he asked for': Local officials, including mayor, justify the arrest of Ahmed Mohamed, 14, for bringing a homemade digital clock into school
My Comment: Jesus would say that "dumb and racist is no way to go through life, Mayor Beth." 
Rating ▼1,159

If a white boy named Jim Bob had brought that clock into school, he would have won the science fair and a scholarship to Baylor.