Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Out Damn Spot! My Eulogy to the G-Spot

Another Post Courtesy of the New York Post - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

Sexy G-spot a Myth
Scientists say new research shows that the G-spot -- the reputed hot zone for women's intense orgasms -- simply doesn't exist.

blah, blah, blah

The study aroused the ire of G-spot proponents, such as Rutgers University professor emeritus Beverly Whipple.
blah, blah, blah

I consider myself a bit of an expert on the finer points of the female anatomy and have had long, passionate discussions with Dr. Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., R.N.

That's Dr. Whipple up there just before she presented me with the Best Digital Stimulation of a G-Spot Award for 2009. Yes, I did nail her during a coffee break at the Spongiosum Symposium at Rutgers last April.

But seriously, is Rupert Murdoch telling me that I have rubbed some of my most important digits to the bone in search of a mythical cluster of nerves?

Speaking of clusters of nerves, the same article reported that the Male G-spot does exist. That's great because, you know, we don't have enough going for us.

It's more of a G area, really. Rub it and he will come. Since we're all looking, can I ask a question that has been bothering me? Like most guys, my Cowper's gland enjoys a little special attention. Why do I have to pay extra for it in Atlantic City?

I would like to take this opportunity to explain what this discovery means to me. This is not only disheartening to millions of women, I'm very worried that this might effect all the web traffic I get from this classic piece of photoshop.

The original diagram is from the University of Cincinnati and shows, concisely, how to stimulate the G-spot and the clitoris simultaneously. I mostly just added the NY Yankees World Series Ring and the doodie.

When I was a grad student at SUNY Stony Brook, I used to TA Biology 151. I had a diagram that was even better. It showed how to stimulate the G-spot, the clitoris, both nipples and the sluggish economy, all with one hand. The other hand was working the remote, flipping back and forth between Sportscenter and Family Guy on Cartoon Network. We never went over this material in class, I used to require that my favorite students meet me in my dorm room for extra help.

Finally, I would like to end with this thought. While I know we are all filled with enough sorrow to dampen dozens of panties due to the loss of our close friend, I would like to suggest that there is a cause for celebration, however slight. For as long as G-spot lives on in our memory, it can never truly be dead. I believe it was Juliet from Venice Beach that penned these encouraging words:

"What's in a name? That which we call a G-spot
By any other name would feel as sweet.
If you lick us, do we not sigh?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh and tell you to get back to work down there smart-ass?
If you rub us for 20 to 40 minutes and combine it with a jaw-numbing amount of tongue action, do we not orgasm?"

Don't get too cheerful, people. Mr. Murdoch just texted me that the Post is going to run a story tomorrow proving that the clitoris is also a myth.

I forgot that when I do stuff like this I have to include attractive women hot babes or I get zero traffic from Google, so here you go.

Can you match the gorgeous celebrity to the graphical approximation of her G-spot? Have fun!

Interesting that Jennifer Anniston and Kelly Ripa have near identical hair but vastly different G-spots.

Updated Update
My favorite dead reader, William Safire, sent me this pathetic attempt.

Very nice try but WRONG!

Obviously, this is the correct answer.

What am I basing my analysis on? I work during the day so I know next to zero about Kelly Ripa but based on my extremely limited knowledge she seems like a gal that would enjoy a good one as frequently as possible.

Jennifer Anniston was mean to my friend Jay Mohr when they worked on a movie together. Therefore, she must be microscopic.

1 comment:

  1. Bob,

    Good post.

    Beginining and ending with the Bard. Hokey, as in "noticeably contrived," but not bad.

    I've sent in my best guess for the contest but I'm a bit clueless.