Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre! You were supposed to be immortal...

Because according to Google, you are demanding it, my first ever repost.

Can ESPN be less credible? Every second of ESPN is about access. They will report anything as long as it assures access to a star player or a league. Actual journalism is left to the other guys. Brett Favre is returning because those three guys knocked on his door, because he misses the guys in the locker room, because he owes it to the VIkes, because he loves football? REX YOU! I'll give you 20,000,001 real reasons Bret Favre is NOT retiring AGAIN, $20,000,000 for 16 games and he because he retired doesn't have to work out like every other player in the league. Honorable, old white guys retire; evil, young black cornerbacks holdout.

Don't Cry for Me, Brett Favre! You were supposed to be immortal... (first posted exactly one year ago, August 19, 2009.)

I figured out why Brett Favre can't stay retired. He lives in Hattiesburg, Mississippi! I know he says he likes it there. I know he says he likes spendin' his time killin' things, huntin', fishin', and trappin'. But if Hattiesburg is so great, how come every August he gets an itchin' to get the hell out of Hattiesburg? Maybe because the average daily temperature in August in Hattiesburg, Mississippi is 99 degrees. And it's not a pleasant dry heat, its 100% humidity heat -- with the nearest ocean breeze 1,000 miles away.

Brett Favre made 890 million dollars playing football. This makes him the richest man in Hattiesburg by $889.5 million. The next richest guy has a lot of pigs. He doesn't even bother to turn it into dollars. He just sends the IRS a couple of piglets every year.

I mean look at Brett over there in Minnesota straight off a private jet from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. He's wearing a hat with SHIT ON IT!!! He has retired to a place where he's ass deep in shit. Pig shit, probably. There's so much nasty shit in Hattiesburg, Mississippi that the cleanest hat Brett Favre could find for his press conference still has a shitload of shit on it. I know what you're thinking, it's a fashion statement, the hat with shit goes with the homeless beard, toothless grin and inarticulate mumbling. I say $890 million and he's wearing a hat with shit on it.

I did some exhaustive research for a few minutes and learned a thing or two about Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Two things actually, because that's all there is to know about Hattiesburg. First, it was named after a wife named Hattie who was born without an edge to her face. Second, it's famous for having a history so racist, the Klan is embarassed.

So, how can we avoid 890 billion hours of Brett Favre coverage on ESPN? How can we avoid the God awful feeling we get watching a grown man crying, over and over again? Somebody has to buy the guy a couch and tell him to move to Florida FerChristSakes! Hey Brett, I hear Arizona is nice, lots of white people and you can kill stuff like snakes and gila monsters.

More Funny Brett Favre Retirement Ranting - includes hot pictures of Brett Favre's hot wife, Deanna.