Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.
Why is the
The Blind Side so popular?
Let's ask my dick. My dick says "Sandra Bullock's ass." I've seen the newspaper ad for this movie probably 50 to 100 times and Sandra's ass looks better everytime.
Big Time Producer: What have you got for me, baby?
Marketing Guy: A closeup shot of Sandra Bullock smiling, with tears in her eyes, from late in the third act, black guy out of focus in the distance.
Big Time Producer: Whoa, a little airbrushing please. She has wrinkles. Gross.
Marketing Guy: Yes, Sir. Remove the hint of laugh lines. Got it.
Big Time Producer: To hell with it. Give me her ass!
Marketing Guy: Excuse me, Sir?
Big Time Producer: I want Sandra Bullock's ass right in my face. I want painted on white pants, I want ass crack, butt camel toe, whatever you kids call it, I want an ass that looks so tasty that all of America wants to eat it for Thanksgiving!!!
Marketing Guy: Yes, Sir!
Big Time Producer: And tell the art department geeks to take 3 inchs off her waist. That'll make that ass pop!
Marketing Guy: Great idea, Sir. What should we do with the black guy? Make him really small and have the yard markers point from his distant silhouette directly at Sandra Bullock's ass?
Big Time Producer: Nah, put his big fat ass right next to Sandra's delicious little ass. Black/white. Yin/yang. Beautful/ugly. It's feng shui, baby!!!
So, will I go to the movie theater to see Sandra Bullock's ass and another uplifting "What Would a Poor Black Person do Without a Kindly-Hearted White Person" biopic? No. While I would love to be able to ease my liberal guilt by spending $12 and 2 hours watching another "White People as Savior" flick and I'm obviously fascinated with Sandra Bullock's ass, I'm broke and I already have the newspaper ad of Sandra's ass. Thank you, Big Time Producer.
If you liked my dick this time, you'll love what it had to say about Patrick Swayze's untimely death or Avatar 3D or maybe the Vancouver Winter Olympics.
Because of a bit I posted back in December (called something like My Dick Explains Why The Blind Side is So Popular), when someone goes to Google in search of Sandra Bullock's buttocks, Google offers up me.
