Kamasutra Snowmen and Calvin without Hobbes

This morning I found myself behind a black pickup truck with a LEER cap that was decorated with a Yankee entwined NY and Calvin pissing on the words "Red" and "Socks." Yo, douchebag, it's "Red" and "Sox."

It reminded me of a rip-off homage to Calvin and Hobbes that I did several years ago called Kamasutra Snowman. Most hate mail, ever -- not counting the foreskin nazis. If wacko e-mailers are to be believed it was just this sort of thing that caused Bill Watterson (the creator of Calvin and Hobbes) to go into retirement and never emerge from beneath his enormous piles of money.

If you are unfamiliar with Calvin and Hobbes, it was a very popular comic strip back in the day. It was nothing like that decal of Calvin pissing on whatever the driver of the truck doesn't like. Bill Watterson did not draw that Calvin and does not get paid for its use. Calvin and Hobbes was incredibly intellectual and often very subtle. I was not that big a fan given that my sense of humor leans slightly to the anti-intellectual and less than subtle.

My favorite Calvin and Hobbes strips featured snowmen. Here are two examples that illustrate what I'm talking about when I'm talking intellectual:


Here are two panels from my homage that illustrate what I'm talking about when I'm talking about anti-intellectual. I really like how the orange carrots came out.

Years after it was first posted, during the Paris Hilton Era, I added a Paris Hilton gag which is still pretty funny. Back then, adding the words "Paris" and "Hilton" to a bit guaranteed 2,000 additional hits a day.

The equivalent on this blog is "C.C. Sabathia's pants" which ensures a whopping 12 visitors.

Here's a link to Kamasutra Snowman.

Cleaning Out My Pictures Folder - October 2009

Every so often I have to clean out my My Pictures folder because I would get fired if someone saw any of these files on my computer at work. These are cool images I found on the internet while looking for other images.

The Dangers of Anthropomorphizing in Children's Literature

While looking for Jason the Mason I found this cute drawing of a piglet that wants to grow up and work in a supermarket. The weird thing is that the little girl pig has been left all alone in front of a glass case full of chopped up pig meat. I like to think that her mom has left her there to teach her a lesson. Something like, "Jenny, if you don't pick up your room, you're going to end up just like your lazy, no-good. Uncle Benny -- Boar's Head Bologna!!!"



Extensive research that only took a few minutes revealed a troubling trend in Richard Scarry's anthropomorphizing of pigs. They were all cannibals. The guy has a dark, dark sense of humor.



I always wondered why I ended up a vegetarian. Now, I think I know.



Early American Swimwear

Here is a charming photo of the National Ballet Company frollicking in a Washington area mud pit in 1926. Aren't those bathing suits the bee's knees? So modest. Do you remember that mother from Fiddler on the Roof? Five years removed from escaping Anatevka and she got a sweet gig babysitting dancers. The good old days!



Applesauce!!! Turns out that those ancient bathing suits were the cat's meow not the bee's knees. Wet wool is not only incredibly itchy and horrendously heavy, it's also frightfully form-fitting.


Girls in the Work Force

Back in 1944, when our girl Jenny left the safety of her kitchen, the U.S. Public Health Service feared for her well being. How is a girl to know that she should leave her high heels in the closet, shower regularly, eat food and sleep? Poor defenseless females!!! We'll make posters, that's what we'll do. Simple posters, with simple ideas, for our simple sisters.

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor - Health Care is So Funny

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

Say ahhhh! Looks like another neo-conservative bashing of Obama's health care initiative. Maybe not. When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, these are just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

Just look at that poorly drawn hypodermic needle. It is a needle, right? She wouldn't be using her cellphone to get rid of his humming unless she was calling Homeland Security to report the poor bastard as a terrorist threat. And check out those vertical lines below the squiggle that denotes her waist -- that nurse is wearing a skirt!!!! Do really rich guys that read the Wall Street Journal get to go to hospitals where the nurses actually wear skirts!?!

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Remember this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. Here's my attempt at funnier versions. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

And today's winner so far:

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

William Safire, A Memorial - One Month in Hell

Given that William Safire has become a regular contributor to this blog since his death, I thought it was fitting to celebrate the one month anniversary of his parting. Bill comments almost daily and is always welcome here despite our different political views.

That's William Safire and George W. Bush in hell. Don't get excited. The photo was taken during George's monthly conjugal visit with Roy Cohn. I photoshopped the hats in to give it a more festive look.

Congratulations and Best Wishes Bill!!!

The Foozie - Tailgate Approved and Ready for Some Serious Action

Have you paid any attention to the new ad campaign for Bud Light? Funny stuff. Mock-infomercials for hilariously designed tailgating apparatus for the serious beer drinker. Stuff like the Grooler^©, half grill, half cooler. Or the Drooler^©, half man, half Alabama fan.

The latest version of the ad features the Foozie^©, half foam finger, half koozie. For the verbally challenged girlymen out there, a koozie is one of those insulated things that help keep your cans of Bud Light cold. The best part of this ad and what makes it post worthy is the tagline that appears over on the right near the bottom of the screen.


One in the hand and one in the can!

What the fuhit*? The joke is so obvious it should come with a blank and a rimshot.

One in the hand and one in the can and _______ ***RIMSHOT***

Howabout?

One in the hand and one in the can and that's just a typical Tuesday night for your sister!

or

One in the hand and one in the can and one tickling her tonsils!

or

One in the hand and one in the can and one buried in her koozie!

How did the modern Mad Men working on the Bud Light account get this past the stuffed suits in St. Louis? Wait just a minute, Anheuser Busch headquarters is now in Brussels and that's in Belgium and Belgium is in Europe. This is one of those insidious, amoral, European-type commercials that will turn us all into sympathetic, soccer-loving, socialists.

Rickey suggested, One in the hand and one in the can and both my dogs in her bathtub! For those who don't know, Rickey has been scarred for life by his initiation into some homophobic/homoerotic fraternity at some not to be named upstate New York college.

Here's the winner so far. You are all encouraged to send me your best shots. You won't -- you clove cigarette smoking commies.

PROPS

This bit was suggested by my brother, Dave Melonosky. I do not watch commercials. I sit on the couch, koozie in one hand, remote in the other and flip stations constantly until I pass out.

***BEGIN INSIDE JOKE***Here's a photo of my brother with a prize winning smallmouth bass he caught while flyfishing in Canada.***END INSIDE JOKE***

*Fuhit: half f, half s.

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor - My Weekly Foray into Highbrow Hijinks

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

This cartoon makes me feel stupid -- and poor. Those are middle-aged, white men so we know it's heaven. Does this mean that Mother Theresa is going to look like herself, old and haggard or like Gina Lollobrigida? Despite the theological implications, it's still not funny.

Remember this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. Here's my attempt at funnier versions. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

And today's winner so far:

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

UPDATE

At the water cooler, Rickey suggested that "something about golden parachutes might be funny if you thought it out and framed it properly." I turned that incomplete nugget of inspiration into this (and next time could you leave a comment so it looks like somebody reads this fricking blog):

Dan Brown, Maureen Dowd and Me - That's a Tasty Sandwich!

Spoiler Alert!!! If you have not read Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol and plan to, you should probably not read this post.

This post is a review of a review by my old friend Maureen Dowd of Dan Brown's book, The Lost Symbol. Her review appeared in last Sunday's New York Times Book Review. Ms. Dowd and I share a less than positive view of the book. Although, I liked it better than she did. I still haven't finished the last 30 pages of it because it has become so tedious that whenever I get near the thing my eyes begin to lower like the shades in an office in Boylston Hall.

I believe that a book review, whether good or bad, should never ruin the experience of actually reading the book. This is a code that I live by, as do my Automobile Club of America brothers.

Do you see that spoiler alert up there at the top of my page above the Vonneguttian symbol for shvinkter? Maureen gives away a MAJOR PLOT TWIST in the very first paragraph of her review! Now, I admit that I'm not the brightest thread in a Harris tweed suit. I didn't know that Darth Vader was Luke's dad until Luke did, and I didn't realize that Professor Snape was Harry Potter's real father until Book 12, but calling the plot "an Oedipal MacGuffin?"

What the hell, Mo?

Later on in the review she reveals another incredibly important fact. All through the book the CIA is intimately involved because of the highest level of "National Security." If we knew what the CIA Director knew about the evil villian, we would all dive off a cliff like a pack of hopeless lemmings. Again, I'm dim. How could the secrets hidden in a Mason jar bring our country, no, the entire known universe, crumbling down to its proverbial knees? I'm thinking that maybe Osama Bin Ladin is a Freemason and Francis Bacon hid a really, really dirty bomb in that dusty, old knick-knack. Hurry Robert! Think! THINK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!

But you don't have to live with that tension, Old MO gives it away! And it's a bit of a stinker actually, I felt totally let down and youtube just isn't that scary unless you're running for public office.

I'll be honest. I always thought that a mason was a highly trained but klutzy pig that built things out of bricks. But then, the only thing lining my educational facilities were the endless lines of lower middle class slackers hoping for TAP grant money.

Dan Brown books are fine. They are o.k. They are alright. Do his metaphors and similes stink worse than Dick Cheney's dick after eight years of fucking us all in the ass? How the hell should I know? My favorite symbol in a book was drawn by Kurt Vonnegut with a black Magic Marker.

Can I write a Dan Brown book better than Dan Brown?

Now that is a good question. In my book, Maureen Dowd will be happy to hear, Robert Langdon would be called Bob and he would get to bang the brainy babe that is forced to listen to page after page of wonky exposition. He'd lay her like George Washington laid cornerstones!!!

But what about a plot? Granted the dollar bill has been done to death but let's start with a penny.

Did you know that a penny used to be made out of copper but now its like 95% zirconium? I'll be able to use that. And what's with this E PLURIBUS UNUM? English? I don't think so. Latin probably, and latin means the Catholics are involved right up to their rosaries. And if you descramble E Pluribis Unum you get:

UP URSULINE BUM

And as any Catholic schoolgirl knows, the Ursuline Sisters were first recognized in 1544 by Pope Paul III. (I think their outfits gave them away.) But wait, another Pope!!! And up a nun's bum? We can use a hot english actress to play the brainy babe. One with good teeth because there's going to be a lot of talking in the movie they make out of my book.



Any editors out there? I'm available and Ron Howard is very interested in my treatment.

For those of you still searching for Maureen Dowd's cameltoe, please go here.

Even More Wall Street Journal Humor

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

I know. I've become completely obsessed with the incredible crappiness of these cartoons. I promise to cut it back to once a week, next week. Here's the standard lead in:

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

I swear that you couldn't pay a guy to draw and write a worse cartoon. What kind of Wall Street guy wears a jacket with zippers on the sleeves? And if you can't really draw a citronella candle? Don't put it on the table. It doesn't add anything to the unfunny punchline involving expensive vacations.

Remember this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. Here's my attempt at funnier versions. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

Apparently the policy here is "Only Bitches Get Coasters."

Not only won't you get lucky, I believe your October call options just expired.

Finish your drink. We have to get to our Botox appointments. We both look like shit.

Spit or swallow? I can have my Dominican cleaning lady do either one.

And today's winner, so far.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

Yesterday's attempt - More Wall Street Journal Humor

Last week's attempt - Wall Street Journal Humor is a Bitch

More Wall Street Journal Humor

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.


There's nothing like a good folding maps joke and that's nothing like a good folding maps joke. *RIMSHOT, PLEASE* I think the last time a folding map joke was fresh was when Henry Blake was still on MASH. And the actual "artwork" is pretty damn lame. It looks like a 3rd grader drew it with a crayon. Come on, those dummies books are book-sized not NY Times-sized.

Remember this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. Here's my attempt at funnier versions. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something really funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort.

Last week's attempt - Wall Street Journal Humor is a Bitch

Protection for your Banana

This morning a mom at work asked me if I thought the kids would tease her son if she sent one of those with him to school everyday. I asked her if she was was planing on packing it in his lunch box or her own box.

It is a good question. Obviously, I would tease the kid, and you would tease the kid, and the janitor would tease the kid, but would another kindergarten kid tease him? And it could make him the most popular boy with the crusty, old lunch aides which would be a good thing.

The problem is that by the time her son gets to eat his lunch, his unprotected banana is always brown and mushy. But if he pampered his delicate fruit from bruising with a Banana Bunker^® (available in four attractive colors), all his lunching problems would be solved.

I think I'll tell her to buy one and the two of us can test it out with my banana. I have this funny feeling that no matter how long my banana is in her box, it won't get soft and mushy (yeah, yeah, ok, but 10 minutes at least).

Another Great Moment in Photoshopping History

Great Moment 3

Start with a photo of the 23rd best president, and our largest, William Howard Taft.

Add a photo of comedian Ralphie May, his wife and an actress named Brenda Price. I needed a large guy in a white shirt with a couple of hot women, and when this showed up on google, it was like Jesus was telling me to fire up the old photoshop and get to work. "Hey Jesus, while I have you on the line. Why does Ralphie May get a hot wife and I get squat? Oh yeah, I'm a loser and he's not. Thanks my Lord. Would it be too much to ask for a photo of me with a hot actress making a smoochy face? How many Hail Marys? I'll get back to you on that, Sir."


Swipe a Free Moustache Rides logo off a t-shirt worn by a guy with, you guessed it, a moustache.

Put them all together and give it the old timey black and white treatment and you get President William Howard Taft on the campaign trail.




Yeah, I know what you are thinking, that is a great moment in the history of photoshop but it gets even better. If you search on google image search for William Howard Taft, it shows up eighth!!!



I like to think that there are little school girls and boys all over this great nation pasting my image of William Howard Taft onto a piece of poster board in a last minute effort to finish their class projects.
The crappy thing is that google doesn't link to my site. I mean come on! I put in the 30 minutes of effort it took to make the damn thing. Google links to a frickin' myspace page that stole my image. So, I lose out on all that Taft traffic. Given that I stole the three images I used to create it, it's hard to get too mad.
I used this image in Worst Presidents Ever... in Bed. A bit that also includes a pretty good (not great) photoshop of George W. Bush in a Village People tribute band.