Monday, April 19, 2010

Is It True That I Beat Up a Midget?

I have never done this before but because of all the attention this is getting throughout the internet (especially on facebook), I am going to address these stupid rumors about me.

I did not beat up a midget in a bar on Avenue B over the weekend. The truth, if anybody is actually interested in the truth, is that the midget beat me up.

Anybody that knows me knows that I played hockey against Gordie Howe and that I have this weird affection towards "humans of short stature." Not the kind of affection where I want to have sex with one. The kind of affection where I appreciate their difficulties and genuinely like hanging around them in a manly drinking-buddy-sort-of-way. I also respect the fact that most of them do not like the m-word so I always use more acceptable terms like dwarf or little person.

So last Friday night there happens to be this dwarf in the bar that I'm in and I'm inching my way closer until I'm only one stool away. Then this really attractive woman sits on the stool between us and I get distracted from my pursuit because while I have this unhealthy dwarf thing going, I have a much stronger and much healthier trying to get laid thing going, too.

She looked so much like Alyssa Milano that I thought she was Alyssa Milano. After studying her carefully, I determined that she was probably not Alyssa Milano but she was close enough for me. This provided a great opening line and the potential for a conversation.

Turns out I'm drunk and she's drunk. I'm friendly. She's friendly. I'm clever and funny. She's clever and funny. I'm flirting. She's just being nice. I'm horny. She's not. I ask for her number. But before she can reply, the little guy notices me hitting on her. Apparently, she's the guy's wife/fiance/girlfriend/sister. I'm not sure of the actual relationship because things got crazy fast.

I know what you're thinking, "How the hell did a midget beat you up?" First, this wasn't one of those cute and fuzzy little people that are determined to make it in the big people world by being pleasant and charming like all those guys on the cable shows. This was a bitter, steroid-induced, crazy dwarf that wanted to show his woman that he could kick the 6 foot tall skinny white boy's ass like those other guys on the other cable shows.

Did I mention I was drunk? After he cursed at me and poked me a bunch of times in the thigh, I jokingly agreed to a fight and to much laughing and scattered applause got down on my knees to "make the fight fair."

In addition to ruining my best pair of khakis because of the absolute filth on the floor, I quickly came to realized that I am fairly immobile on my knees. And did you know that it is impossible to kick at someone or defend yourself from kicks? It's no wonder that Dorf guy was so bad at golf. Kneeling is a totally non-athletic position.

After his little boots found my face a few times I came to the conclusion that if I stayed on my knees I would lose badly. I also knew that if I stood up before I lost consciousness I could win. I'd have the leverage, and the reach, and look like a real douchebag, and I'd almost certainly never have a chance with the guy's sister/girlfriend/wife.

So I stood up, I apologized, I bought the guy and his buddies a round, we laughed about it and then I got the hell out of there. And now me and Bill Cosby, will forever be known as the guys that gave a midget a beating.

I did get the wife's number. We're meeting up this Friday. Different bar. Come on, she looked just like Alyssa Milano!


  1. Bob,
    okay I fell for that. Way to whore yourself on facebook!! I didn't know you faced book. I am concerned with your interest (perversion) with midgets though.

    Is Bill a midget?


  2. V,

    Whore? Me. Never. John? Almost never. Should I lose the link? Its always been there over on the right side of the page.

    I'm not much of a facebooker.

    Thanks for the comment!

  3. Bobby,

    Mauled by a munchkin? Typical Friday night for you.

    Opening line when hitting on a chick that looks just like Alyssa Milano...


    I'm "charmed" to meet you, Ms. Milano.


  4. Bill,

    Uh no. Opening line when picking up a chick that looks just like Alyssa Milano?

    Hi, my names Bob Melonosky. I pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Can I buy you a drink and a Maserati?


    Roughed up by a reindeer jockey


  5. Bobby,

    Seriously, that line sucks. Howabout,

    Hi, I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by sleeping with the entire cast of "Who's the Boss." I've already nailed Angela, Tony Danza, and the gay little brother. Before I dig up grandma, howabout we get together and try to make the damp spot on my mattress damper.

    Youwere, pummeled by a pipsqueak


  6. Bill,

    I'd have to write that pick-up paragraph oout on index cards because my short term memory is poor and that is way too long and I would never sleep with Tony Danza.

    I'm thinking that if I actually bed the dwarf's wife and while I'm giving her the good news, and she's just about to curl her toes, I'm going to yell out,

    "Who's the Boss! Who's the Boss! Who's the Boss!"

    because I think she'll appreciate the personal touch I bring to lovemaking.

    I was whupped by a wee, wittle whackjob


  7. Bobby,

    You were pounded by a pygmy...

    I've been asking around and Grandma is not down here. I think she's still alive which would make her pretty damn old but still a better bet than that horse-faced Angela.

    While you were sowing your wild oats, she'd be eating them.

    Did you actually have a run in with a runt this weekend?


  8. Bill,

    I was squashed by a bug...

    I did not really get hassled by a hobbit this weekend. Yesterday, I was desperate for a bit. My usual sources were useless. Then (for unrelated reasons) I typed "Bill Cosby" into google and it auto-completed with

    "bill cosby beats up midget"

    and a bit was born.

    fyi, Grandma was played by Katherine Helmond and she's still alive. She was born in 1926. I'd be afraid I might break a hip. Hers not mine.


  9. Bobby,

    I'm sure she's aged like a fine wine. The trick is to wet your whistle before it all turns to vinegar.

    Dr. William H. Cosby Jr., Ph.D. beating the crap out of a midget? I'd pay-per-view but I'm not sure I'd drive all the way down to Atlantic City to see it.

  10. Bill,

    Unfortunately, it is untrue. They joked about it on Family Guy and millions of the earth's finest inhabitants believed it to be true.

    Because every idiot knows that cartoons are a great place to gather information.


  11. I'm thinking that if I actually bed the dwarf's wife and while I'm giving her the good news, and she's just about to curl her toes, I'm going to yell out or do something stupid like that but I just like the girl she's hot.