When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Newlywed wife pushed her husband off a CLIFF
My comment: She looks like a lot of fun while he looks like a stiff (no pun intended).
When she gets off on a technicality, I'd love to play a few games of Eskimo Hunter and the Horny Walrus.
Only the Daily Mail capitalizes a whole word when it's not WORLD WAR III. I think we were all expecting the wife to push the husband off the bed so it's a good thing cliff jumps out at you.
Sheer daring! Miranda Kerr causes a stir in see-through blouse
My comment: Slather those pancakes with butter and Aunt Jemima's and then you would have a good photo and a story worth telling.
That outfit wouldn't cause a stir in an orthodox temple on Yom Kippur. Sometimes the Daily Mail editors need to be reminded what constitutes the news. I hate to step on Rupert Murdoch's toes but "Wake up Daily Mail editors!"
It's as easy as counting 1, 2... Wait, that's it. Two, two protruding nipples.
Naughty and nice! Tiffani Thiessen shows off her impressive cleavage
My comment:
Cleavage - the space between a woman's breasts when visible by a low-cut neckline
Big Breasts - breasts that are big.
There is a difference. Is it just me or does Tiffani Thiessen look like Ted Kennedy in drag. No cleavage but impressive jowls.
I think we were both expecting Kelly from Saved By The Bell to be dressed up as Mrs. Claus with a gaping, chasm beween her massive breasts that a newlywed wife could push her husband into.
Occasionally, the internet really disappoints. When I googled "Ted Kennedy in drag," I really thought I was going to get a vintage photo of young Teddy at Harvard in a performance by the Hasty Pudding Club. Nothing. But I did learn that he was recruited by the Green Bay Packers as a defensive end.
Maybe cleavage means something else in England? This beautiful example showed up today, fresh from the Jay Leno show. This my English friends is good, old fashioned American cleavage. I would so sign up for a raft trip through that canyon.
If you can identify the owner of this cleavage I will send you a rare, "How to Eat P*ssy" UncleMelon.com t-shirt.*
Wasn't it thoughtful of this celebrity to put up a warning sign for newlyweds looking for a dramatic backdrop? I went searching for additional signs on her body and found these.
Still thoughful but not that friendly. So I dug into the archives.
Same celebrity back when she was a little more welcoming.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
The girl with the very low-cut dress: Rooney Mara wows in plunging LBD for Calvin Klein post-show party
My Comment: She is so much hotter with all the piercings, and tats, and cool hairdo. In these photos, she kind of looks like my mom. Plain. Rating ▼ 15
Admittedly, not my best work but this was tough week and I'm glad I got anything through. Daily Mail readers love wholesome; tattoos, piercings and unusual eye shadow frighten them.
America's first Muslim fraternity where prayer and charity replace drinking and parties
My Comment: Pious, sober and smart is no way to go through life, son. Seem like a nice bunch of guys. I think joining the Muslim Brotherhood would be more fun. Rating ▼ 60
When I got this masterful, re-working of a classic line from Animal House through the censors, I thought I was about to enter negative comment nirvana. WTF? You get way more negativity when you defend Justin Bieber's manliness.
Bonus Halloween Mask
Finally, just in time for Halloween, a cut-out mask of Ted Kennedy. I had it left over from the above Photoshop hackjob and figured I'd share.
Put on your best, Sunday-Go-To-Meeting suit and this mask, and scare the crap out of John Boehner. Maybe he'll cry.
* Disclaimer: Friends, family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this contest.
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