Thursday, September 26, 2013

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog. funny daily mail

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Voldemort gets married at Harry Potter wedding

Harry Potter fan left spellbound by boyfriend's wizard-themed wedding proposal
My Comment: She must be Slytherin because that boyfriend looks just like Voldemort. Hope they don't have kids.

funny mommy eating baby because it smells so good

How a newborn baby really can smell good enough to eat
My Comment: Looks like that woman is about to eat some delicious white meat. I'm told it tastes like chicken.

Khloe Kardashian parties with rapper funny

Look away Lamar! Khloe forgets her marriage woes as she parties with The Game.
My Comment: It's a good thing she's wearing her wedding ring when her hand is buried in his crotch. People might get the wrong idea.

In order to get my comment, you have to have read the article. Thank God The Daily Mail reported that Khloe was still wearing her wedding ring because I was worried about her marriage. 

Khloe Kardashian handjob
How they noticed her wedding ring but missed the handjob we'll never know.

smallest dog in the world

Is this Britain's smallest dog?
My Comment: I thought Kate Moss was Britain's smallest dog.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

funny joe kernen making fun of indians

CNBC host Joe Kernen under fire for adopting Indian accent and asking if rupees 'were good at 7-Eleven'
My Comment: He's probably trying to get a higher paying job at Fox. Rating ▼6

fake Ted Cruz fake fillibuster

Ted Cruz vows to speak 'until he can no longer stand' as he rises in opposition to Obamacare
My Comment: Ted Cruz is a joke. Send him back to Canada where he belongs. Rating ▼24

I hate Ted Cruz so much I can't even be funny about him. But not being funny is better for the red arrows.

Ted Cruz illegal immigrant dad funny

I've heard of self-hating Jews, but Ted Cruz is my first self-hating immigrant. Ted, your dad, Rafael Cruz came here from Cuba and we didn't throw him back into the sea. Maybe we should have.

Cheerful Kate Gosselin dons a colourful figure-hugging dress as she promotes her new cookbook.
My Comment: When is the last time this fake floozy cooked? Step 1: Text your housekeeper what you want to eat. Step 2: Eat. Rating ▲29

Honestly, I had no clue who Kate Gosselin was. I knew from her look that she was reality TV. When I googled her, the reality of a millionare that spends all of her waking moments self-promoting taking the time to cooking for her 8 kids was too much to bear.  I thought she would be a favorite of the right-minded, check out those big boobs! Apparently, she is no Kardashian.

kid cures coma with french kiss

Mother paralysed in a car crash is woken from a coma by her son who then chews her food and mouth feeds her
My Comment: He thinks he's a bird! Cute. Rating ▲24

Two green arrowed comments in the same week. Eff me and eff irony.

funny Hillary Clinton hairdo

It just keeps getting shorter! Hillary Clinton debuts new, layered bouffant haircut
My Comment: Hillary Clinton looks better every year while Sarah Palin gets uglier. It's called karma! Rating ▼76

I know. Too easy. You try getting one through the censors.

Besides, I believe it. I've written about this before. Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have the same face type. Recently, Sarah has gotten some weird, old woman stuff growing on her neck and her eyes look like a murder of big, fat crows have stomped on her face. And don't get me started on the cankles.  Don't believe me? Check this out, Rupert.

Sarah Palin and Hillary both gonna be ugly

That's a photo of Hillary when she was 49, Sarah Palin's current age. That's Sarah this year. Over on the right is Sarah's mom when she was 65, Hillary Clinton's current age.

It's fricking eerie how much they look alike. And who knew Hillary was so damn doable? Hillary was a milf!

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