This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 9/26/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kendra Wilkinson grins as she heads to the gym as her private life makes headlines
My Comment:  Why shouldn't she be happy?  Her husband sleeping with a transexual is great for her career!  Looks like she's ready to be a guest star on Honey Boo Boo.

Barry Manilow to release 'Dream Duets' album with Judy Garland
My Comment:   If Barry Manilow married Bruce Jenner, the 1970's would cease to exist -- but their kids would be gorgeous.

Here's a photo of Bruce Jenner, with his first wife Steve Guttenberg, and their best man.

Here's a photo of Barry Manilow and his first wife Valerie Perrine.

 

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

'Some may ridicule our choice - I really don't care to be honest': Katie Price hits back at criticism over baby daughter Bunny's name
My Comment:   Way better than calling your kid Miley or Lindsay Lohan Price.  Rating ▲3

I think Bunny is a good choice.  Now, when her daughter grows up she won't have to think of a stripper name all by herself -- because thinking is hard.

Fur the love of North!  Kim Kardashian is in protective mama bear mode holding her daughter close as they jet out of LAX
My Comment:   Kim is a Mama Bare!  Rating ▼2

That, was the greatest Daily Mail comment ever  --  and I get no love or hate.

Daily Mail Exclusive! Kim Kardashian  Leaked Nudes!

Mama Bare Kim Kardashian Leaked Nudes. Kayne West gets caught checking out his wife's best assets. 

NFL tells ESPN to Suspend Bill Simmons. Stay tuned for Sportscenter where you won't hear anything about it because the NFL tells us exactly what to do.

NFL vs. ESPN: The Battle of Evil Empires

Who am I kidding? NFL vs. ESPN is more like this:

NFL vs. ESPN: Thank you, Sir! May I have another?

Bill Simmons badmouths NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and he gets a three week suspension for failure to meet "ESPN’s journalistic standards." NY Times Article

Did you guys know that ESPN had "journalistic standards?" The network that had Pedro Gomez holding the needles and kissing Barry Bonds acne-scarred ass as Steroidman chased Babe Ruth's record.  The network that lets Chris Broussard spout his homophobic hate speech with no suspensions. The network that pulls its popular entertainment programming and an investigative documentary because the NFL told them to.

The network that suspended Stephen A. Smith for 1 week for saying that women should stop provoking their men into beating the shit out of them.

ESPN has journalistic standards?   Even FOX News is laughing about that idea.

Steve Biscotti Will Protect This House - Thank You Under Armour

Steve Bisciotti Will Protect This House^© with the help of Under Armour.

My interview with Steve Bisciotti:

Me: How will you protect this house?

Steve Bisciotti:  I will... lie, lie, lie, not wear socks, lie, lie, lie, throw Ray Rice under the bus, lie, lie, lie, rehire Ray Rice after all of this chick stuff blows over, lie, lie, lie.

Me: Thanks for your candor.

Steve Bisciotti and Kevin Plank, owner of Under Armour, discussing the serious issue of domestic violence.

Seriously, with respect to the serious issue of domestic violence, Under Armour could have pulled that logo background before yesterday's press conference, if women mattered more than money.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 9/19/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Tumble star Lucy Mecklenburgh showcases her athletic physique
My Comment:  

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me

What do you get when you spray on a tan?
Ending up all orange like an orangutan
Worrying too much about the way that you look?
Lucy'd be more attractive if she opened a book.

Oompa Loompa's are a very judgmental people.

'I'll be behind the till!' Victoria Beckham heads to check on her flagship store as she reveals 'David will be on the door and Brooklyn working as a Saturday boy' 
My Comment:  If she smiled at a customer would the stitches behind her ears pop out, and her face fly off?  Posh Spice has become Scary Spice.

 
 Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

As if it wasn't hot enough already! Kim Kardashian sizzles in white crop top and tight skirt as she steps out on sweltering LA day
My Comment:  That skirt is stupider than Kim. Preggo Kourtney looks better and more comfortable.  Rating ▲12

Joan Rivers's doctor 'took a SELFIE' with her as she was under anesthesia
My Comment:  If you take a selfie with Joan Rivers, you're gonna look good because that woman looks freaky! Rating ▼8

Transgender model who found fame on America's Next Top Model 'struggles to find love because she was born in a male body' 
My Comment:  She is beautiful!  Maybe ISIS isn't the best name for on-line dating.  She should change her name to Emily or Kate.  Rating ▼63

Where's Roger Goodell?

Where's Roger Goodell?

I have a theory.

New Adrian Peterson Plush Doll

Toys R Us has a brand new Adrian "Big Daddy" Peterson doll available on their website!

Courtesy of Eric Stangel

Complete with a Cottonwood switch and an anatomically correct victim doll (for pointing out wounds on your scrotum).

Guaranteed to provide hours of educational and character-building play!!!

Where's Roger Goodell?  He gets paid $40,000,000 a year so the owners don't have to deal with this crap.  The coaches need their own Roger Goodell.

This NFL stuff has taught us that really rich people aren't brave or courageous or decent.   They just have more money than us. These billionaire owners send their football guys out to face the tough questions they should be answering.  One of the cowards cried, then allowed his wife beating player to play, because there's always more money to be made.

***Alert***  You can actually buy that Adrian Peterson doll sans switch at Toys R Us today.   Want to scare the crap out of a 4-year old?  Hurry!  Supplies are limited.

Yankee Dignity For Sale - Derek Jeter and Steiner Sports

Slimer Sports is the exclusive retailer for every last scrap of Derek Jeter's dignity.  With just a few games left in this, "The Final Season," El Capitán is selling out big-time and here at Slimer Sports we're quickly selling out of these exclusive and one-of-a-kind memorabilia.

Game worn jerseys, game worn uniforms, game worn gloves, game worn socks and now, exclusive to Slimer Sports, Derek Jeter game worn jock straps.  Since the All Star break, Derek Jeter has changed his jock in-between every inning of every game and now he has graciously made them available to you.  Every Derek Jeter game worn jock strap is authenticated and autographed by the Yankee Captain, Derek Jeter.

But there's more.  There's always more.

For the regular guy that can't afford to lay out $4,999.99 for a jock strap, Slimer Sports is proud to announce the limited availability of dirt.  For only $199.99, take home a capsule of Yankee Stadium dirt enhanced with the game salivated spit of Derek Jeter.  Each capsule of authentic field dirt is sealed shut and contains a unique, MLB Hologram which can be verified online. Take home a small piece of Derek Jeter from Yankee Stadium today!

For the real Yankee fan, and by real we mean unbelievably rich and willing to pay just about anything for just about anything related to Derek Jeter, Slimer Sports has some unique Derek Jeter items that are sure to be the centerpiece of your Derek Jeter collection. 

Derek Jeter has collected over 3,450 hits on the baseball field, but off the field?  The numbers are staggering.  The Elias Sports Bureau, based on original data and statistical extrapolation, estimates that Derek Jeter has gotten to third base with over 647,587 women.  He's hit home runs with 112,327 and busted the cherries of 2,871 virgins. 

The Yankee Captain Derek Jeter has developed a fine taste in wine, homes, and women.   Slimer Sports is the exclusive source of Derek Jeter Celebrity Used Condoms.   These condoms have adorned the sacred penis of Derek Jeter and have entered some of the most desirable vaginas of our generation, including Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, Jessica Alba, and Mariah Carey.

How can you be assured that these condoms are not common Coney Island Whitefish but are in fact filled with the special seed of the greatest shortstop in New York Yankee history?   Every Derek Jeter Celebrity Used Condom comes with a certificate of authentication complete with FBI DNA analysis of the material inside and out.   Every condom sold by Slimer Sports comes sealed shut with a MLB hologram of authenticity.

My Favorite Real Derek Jeter Memorablia Story

From The New York Post Dec. 13 2011:

After breaking up with Minka Kelly, while living in Trump World Tower, Derek began sleeping with a different woman every night and sent each off the next morning with a gift basket filled with autographed memorabilia.  Sounds cold but...

If you slept with Derek Jeter back in 2011 and he gave you an autographed baseball with "ROY96" scribbled on it, that's now worth $1,799.99. Not bad for just one night with Number 2.

Favorite Derek Jeter Banging Two Chicks Story 

 From The New York Post Oct. 16, 2007:

"Our spy in the lobby of the Shore Club in Miami early Sunday Morning spotted 'two scantily clad women screaming at the front desk' because they had spent the night at Jeter's penthouse and were then charged for parking."

It's good to be the captain.

Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero

Bob Melonosky, Star Quarterback, Half Hollow Hills High School East. 1979

That's me standing on the 50 yard line with the perky cheerleader that was assigned to me by my Offensive Coordinator, Mr. Klozoff.  Her job was to make me happy for the duration of the award presentation and the after-game dinner/orgy. I think her name was Claudia DeGreco.  Her dad was in salvage and she thought koala bears were cute.  She was perky in three ways

I was discovered by the Offensive Coordinator in gym class because he was also the gym teacher.  While playing flag football, I threw 47 successful passes to the sorriest bunch of spazzes to ever wear black socks with their Keds.

Spirals flew out of my hand like phasers from the Starship Enterprise (meaning they were incredibly accurate not that an Asian dude was pushing my button to fire said spirals).  I was a natural.  My performance gave Mr. Klozoff more wood than those ball boys in their disco finery.

Mr. Oliver Klozoff, Offense Coordinator

I reported to the first football practice my senior year with unfettered aspirations.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever anticipate being the starting quarterback for the Half Hollow Hills Horses.  I was pretty sure the rules of football meant that the head cheerleader was going to be assigned to me for the duration of the season, maybe even my life.

Head Cheerleader, Theresa Peluso.  Rumor had it that she liked it on top (which was okay by me because Coach said it would save my legs for the game).

Sadly, I discovered that I did not like it when other guys touched me.  Plus the locker room antics were not to my liking. So I quit and went back to flag football where no one touches you, especially perky cheerleaders.

Fonzie Fetus Not Coolest Baby Ever

From the Daily Mail:

Here's proof that I was the coolest baby ever.

I can't believe my mom kept this sonogram of me. I look so fat.

I like to think I was giving the finger to my boss that was goofing off in the uterus next to mine.