Hint Number 1: About 70% of NFL players are African-Americans.
Hint Number 2: The quarterback makes the most money.
Hint Number 3: The quarterback is the star, often called "the face of the franchise."
That's all you need to know. Study the faces and give it your best guess. Every pair of faces has the quarterback and a player on his team that is closest in size (that is not a kicker*).
Buffalo Bills
Did you guess the clean-cut, white boy on the left? You are correct! Good start.
Cleveland Browns
Yeah, I know, he looks like he's fifteen but that is the quarterback.
Oakland Raiders
How are you doing? Three for three? I told you it was easy. Sure he looks like a psychotic pedophile but he looks like a white, psychotic pedophile. The next one is tricky. Take your time.
San Francisco 49ers
Did you guess the guy on the right? Good for you. I tried to trick you but you were too smart for me.
St. Louis Rams
Wow, might as well have stamped QUARTERBACK on this guy's forehead.
Tampa Bay Bucs
Uh oh, you are perfect so far and yes, they are both off-white. Have you noticed that I am showing a tendency to go to my left? Then you got it right.
A Burger King face if ever there was one.
Arizona Cardinals
Getting bored? Did I mention that there are 32 teams in the NFL?
Oh no! If you are not an actual football fan, you may have gotten this one wrong. The quarterback, Donovan McNab, is on the right. Wake up, America.
I know what you are thinking, but I did not make a mistake. One of these guys is the quarterback. Don't worry, keep going, it gets easier again, I promise.Carolina Panthers
Feeling better?
Kansas City Chiefs
Ten years and 63 million dollars will put a smile on your face, even in Kansas City.
Seattle Seahawks
Okay, I admit it, it is getting monotonous but hey, that's the point of the bit.
Detroit Lions
If you get this one wrong, you are colorblind -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Miami Dolphins
Chicago Bears
Philadelphia Eagles
Tennesee Titans
Okay, that was eight meatballs in a row. Do you need other clues? Quarterbacks are considered the "smartest," and they get to put their hands on the asses of their teammates. Neither of these hints help with this pair. Both of these guys look equally intelligent and equally gay.
Baltimore Ravens
I'll see you down at the bottom of the post. I'm confident you'll nail the next thirteen.
Cincinnati Bengals
Houston Texans
Atlanta Falcons
New York Giants
Green Bay Packers
Dallas Cowboys
San Diego Chargers
Minnesota Vikings
Pittsburgh Steelers
New Orleans Saints
Indianapolis Colts
New England Patriots
Thirty-two teams, twenty-eight starting white quarterbacks. That's 88%!!! In a league that is 70% African-American. This is no accident. Pale skin must make an athlete better at playing quarterback.
Pale skin also makes an athlete better at kicking.
Placekicker - 100% white
Punter - 97% white
Broken down by position 2008
The teams are sorted by something called a Quarterback Power Ranking from a newspaper called the Dallas Star. That's also where I got the quarterback names -- with the exception of Donovan McNab and the new guy in Philadelphia and I assumed Brett Favre would come out of retirement.
Bobby,
ReplyDeleteThe old pigskin! The only thing more enjoyable than watching football on a Sunday was reading my column, On Language, in a fresh copy of the Sunday Times.
23! 47! Green! Hut! Hut! Rascism!!!
You pinko, leftist, America-hating baseball fans are so predictable.
The NFL is a business. As such, it is controlled by 1.) supply and demand, 2.) capitalist tenants and 3.) rich, old white men.
When a black athlete with the mental capacity to punt a football comes along, the NFL will have a place for him (or her). lol, I wet myself.
When you hear "lockdown corner," you think of prisons, and drug dealers, pimps and cheap hoods -- therefore cornerbacks are black.
When you think about "managing the game," you think of a handsome, well-groomed white man with broad shoulders and a toothy wholesomeness -- a quarterback.
Throw yourself a "hail mary" and maybe get a life, while I throw back another Bloody Mary.
Bill
Bill,
ReplyDeleteu r a racist.
I expected some bullshit about white boys looking up to white role models like Ben "Too Rich to be a Rapist" Rroethlisberger and becoming quarterbacks, while black kids are looking up to Antonio "How many 3 year olds do I have?" Cromartie and becoming defensive backs.
You are an alliterate a-hole.
Bob
Bobby,
ReplyDeleteAre you ready for some football?
I watch a sport that is 70% black and you watch a sport that is 15% black -- and I'm a racist?
Interesting fact, hell is only 15% black. Never been to heaven but if I had to guess, probably NFL-esque.
Bill
Bob,
ReplyDeleteThe least glamorous positions, aside from qb, are dominated by white players. As you pointed out most cornerbacks are black. This may have as much to do with physical attributes, long arms, quick reflexes, and tall bodies, as much as it does with cross-sport training. Preventing a wide-receiver from cradling a pass, is similar to blocking a shot in basketball.
You could also do a comparison amongst NBA coaches and their teams, or an opposite phenomenon involving overweight white females and their intimate partners.
Mike,
ReplyDeleteGood points.
The offensive line, despite Sandra Bullock's best efforts, is about as unglamorous as possible.
Thanks for the comment!
Bob