Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Can You Guess the Quarterback?

NFL Racial Reality in Black and White

I'm challenging you to guess the quarterback. It does not matter how much you know about NFL football. You can be a grandma from Holland or a soccer fan from Slovenia --with just three helpful hints, I know that you can guess 90% of the quarterbacks in the NFL.

Hint Number 1: About 70% of NFL players are African-Americans.
Hint Number 2: The quarterback makes the most money.
Hint Number 3: The quarterback is the star, often called "the face of the franchise."

That's all you need to know. Study the faces and give it your best guess. Every pair of faces has the quarterback and a player on his team that is closest in size (that is not a kicker*).

Buffalo Bills

Did you guess the clean-cut, white boy on the left? You are correct! Good start.

Cleveland Browns
Yeah, I know, he looks like he's fifteen but that is the quarterback.

Oakland Raiders

How are you doing? Three for three? I told you it was easy. Sure he looks like a psychotic pedophile but he looks like a white, psychotic pedophile. The next one is tricky. Take your time.

San Francisco 49ers

Did you guess the guy on the right? Good for you. I tried to trick you but you were too smart for me.

St. Louis Rams

Wow, might as well have stamped QUARTERBACK on this guy's forehead.

Tampa Bay Bucs
Uh oh, you are perfect so far and yes, they are both off-white. Have you noticed that I am showing a tendency to go to my left? Then you got it right.

Denver Broncos

A Burger King face if ever there was one.

Arizona Cardinals

Getting bored? Did I mention that there are 32 teams in the NFL?

Washington Redskins

Oh no! If you are not an actual football fan, you may have gotten this one wrong. The quarterback, Donovan McNab, is on the right. Wake up, America.

Jacksonville Jaguars

I know what you are thinking, but I did not make a mistake. One of these guys is the quarterback. Don't worry, keep going, it gets easier again, I promise.

Carolina Panthers

Feeling better?

Kansas City Chiefs

Ten years and 63 million dollars will put a smile on your face, even in Kansas City.

Seattle Seahawks

Okay, I admit it, it is getting monotonous but hey, that's the point of the bit.

Detroit Lions

If you get this one wrong, you are colorblind -- which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

New York Jets

Miami Dolphins

Chicago Bears

Philadelphia Eagles

Tennesee Titans

Okay, that was eight meatballs in a row. Do you need other clues? Quarterbacks are considered the "smartest," and they get to put their hands on the asses of their teammates. Neither of these hints help with this pair. Both of these guys look equally intelligent and equally gay.

Baltimore Ravens

I'll see you down at the bottom of the post. I'm confident you'll nail the next thirteen.

Cincinnati Bengals

Houston Texans

Atlanta Falcons

New York Giants

Green Bay Packers

Dallas Cowboys

San Diego Chargers

Minnesota Vikings

Pittsburgh Steelers

New Orleans Saints

Indianapolis Colts

New England Patriots

Thirty-two teams, twenty-eight starting white quarterbacks. That's 88%!!! In a league that is 70% African-American. This is no accident. Pale skin must make an athlete better at playing quarterback.

Pale skin also makes an athlete better at kicking.
Placekicker - 100% white
Punter - 97% white

Broken down by position 2008

The teams are sorted by something called a Quarterback Power Ranking from a newspaper called the Dallas Star. That's also where I got the quarterback names -- with the exception of Donovan McNab and the new guy in Philadelphia and I assumed Brett Favre would come out of retirement.


  1. Bobby,

    The old pigskin! The only thing more enjoyable than watching football on a Sunday was reading my column, On Language, in a fresh copy of the Sunday Times.

    23! 47! Green! Hut! Hut! Rascism!!!

    You pinko, leftist, America-hating baseball fans are so predictable.

    The NFL is a business. As such, it is controlled by 1.) supply and demand, 2.) capitalist tenants and 3.) rich, old white men.

    When a black athlete with the mental capacity to punt a football comes along, the NFL will have a place for him (or her). lol, I wet myself.

    When you hear "lockdown corner," you think of prisons, and drug dealers, pimps and cheap hoods -- therefore cornerbacks are black.

    When you think about "managing the game," you think of a handsome, well-groomed white man with broad shoulders and a toothy wholesomeness -- a quarterback.

    Throw yourself a "hail mary" and maybe get a life, while I throw back another Bloody Mary.


  2. Bill,

    u r a racist.

    I expected some bullshit about white boys looking up to white role models like Ben "Too Rich to be a Rapist" Rroethlisberger and becoming quarterbacks, while black kids are looking up to Antonio "How many 3 year olds do I have?" Cromartie and becoming defensive backs.

    You are an alliterate a-hole.


  3. Bobby,

    Are you ready for some football?

    I watch a sport that is 70% black and you watch a sport that is 15% black -- and I'm a racist?

    Interesting fact, hell is only 15% black. Never been to heaven but if I had to guess, probably NFL-esque.


  4. Bob,
    The least glamorous positions, aside from qb, are dominated by white players. As you pointed out most cornerbacks are black. This may have as much to do with physical attributes, long arms, quick reflexes, and tall bodies, as much as it does with cross-sport training. Preventing a wide-receiver from cradling a pass, is similar to blocking a shot in basketball.
    You could also do a comparison amongst NBA coaches and their teams, or an opposite phenomenon involving overweight white females and their intimate partners.

  5. Mike,

    Good points.

    The offensive line, despite Sandra Bullock's best efforts, is about as unglamorous as possible.

    Thanks for the comment!