The Week in Alba - 9/27/13

My weekly recap of The Daily Mail's obsession with Jessica Alba

Here are this week's scintillating scotoma of Jessica Alba articles:

Sept. 21: Jessica Alba Dons Quirky Shades
Sept. 22: Flower power! Jessica Alba and her Daughter Coordinate in Floral Ensembles
Sept. 23: Jessica Alba and Daughter Bond Over Pampering Session
Sept. 23: Jessica Alba Displays her Slender Legs
Sept. 24: Jessica Alba Takes Us Behind the Scenes
Sept. 24: I Can Wear Shorts Now
Sept. 27: Jessica Alba Flashes her Toned Waist in a Crop Top
Sept. 27: Anyone for Diapers? Jessica Alba Turns Sexy Saleswoman

Jessica Alba has a bounce back week as she records 10 articles in The Daily Mail.  Either the zit on her nose receeded into her epidermis or she sent a pajamagram to Uncle Rupert. Perhaps Jessie was in the pajamas that arrived at the Murdoch stately estate?

Body parts, her daughter (Jessica Alba IS a great mom), and a diaper pitch were the headlines of the week.

And because I know what you want, and I know how much traffic this will generate to my little blog, I present a Jessica Alba Bonus!

Jessica Alba Sexy Feet Bonus

Jessica Alba's sexy feet looking all hot as she receives a pedicure. Yummy. Toes. Red Naughty Monkey Peek A Boo Pumps. Almost there? Here you go.

Are we finished now?  Good.

You're welcome and now you owe me. Here's the deal. If we ever end up in a hot, sweaty threesome with Jessica Alba, you can have her feet, if I can have all the rest of her.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Harry Potter fan left spellbound by boyfriend's wizard-themed wedding proposal
My Comment: She must be Slytherin because that boyfriend looks just like Voldemort. Hope they don't have kids.

How a newborn baby really can smell good enough to eat
My Comment: Looks like that woman is about to eat some delicious white meat. I'm told it tastes like chicken.

Look away Lamar! Khloe forgets her marriage woes as she parties with The Game.
My Comment: It's a good thing she's wearing her wedding ring when her hand is buried in his crotch. People might get the wrong idea.

In order to get my comment, you have to have read the article. Thank God The Daily Mail reported that Khloe was still wearing her wedding ring because I was worried about her marriage. 

How they noticed her wedding ring but missed the handjob we'll never know.

Is this Britain's smallest dog?
My Comment: I thought Kate Moss was Britain's smallest dog.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

CNBC host Joe Kernen under fire for adopting Indian accent and asking if rupees 'were good at 7-Eleven'
My Comment: He's probably trying to get a higher paying job at Fox. Rating ▼6

Ted Cruz vows to speak 'until he can no longer stand' as he rises in opposition to Obamacare
My Comment: Ted Cruz is a joke. Send him back to Canada where he belongs. Rating ▼24

I hate Ted Cruz so much I can't even be funny about him. But not being funny is better for the red arrows.

I've heard of self-hating Jews, but Ted Cruz is my first self-hating immigrant. Ted, your dad, Rafael Cruz came here from Cuba and we didn't throw him back into the sea. Maybe we should have.

Cheerful Kate Gosselin dons a colourful figure-hugging dress as she promotes her new cookbook.
My Comment: When is the last time this fake floozy cooked? Step 1: Text your housekeeper what you want to eat. Step 2: Eat. Rating ▲29

Honestly, I had no clue who Kate Gosselin was. I knew from her look that she was reality TV. When I googled her, the reality of a millionare that spends all of her waking moments self-promoting taking the time to cooking for her 8 kids was too much to bear.  I thought she would be a favorite of the right-minded, check out those big boobs! Apparently, she is no Kardashian.

Mother paralysed in a car crash is woken from a coma by her son who then chews her food and mouth feeds her
My Comment: He thinks he's a bird! Cute. Rating ▲24

Two green arrowed comments in the same week. Eff me and eff irony.

It just keeps getting shorter! Hillary Clinton debuts new, layered bouffant haircut
My Comment: Hillary Clinton looks better every year while Sarah Palin gets uglier. It's called karma! Rating ▼76

I know. Too easy. You try getting one through the censors.

Besides, I believe it. I've written about this before. Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have the same face type. Recently, Sarah has gotten some weird, old woman stuff growing on her neck and her eyes look like a murder of big, fat crows have stomped on her face. And don't get me started on the cankles.  Don't believe me? Check this out, Rupert.

That's a photo of Hillary when she was 49, Sarah Palin's current age. That's Sarah this year. Over on the right is Sarah's mom when she was 65, Hillary Clinton's current age.

It's fricking eerie how much they look alike. And who knew Hillary was so damn doable? Hillary was a milf!

The Week in Alba

My weekly recap of The Daily Mail's obsession with Jessica Alba (fast becoming my obsession).

Here are this week's scintillating scotoma of Jessica Alba articles:

Sept. 11: Style Maven Jessica Alba Leads the Fashion Pack
Sept. 11: Jessica Alba Puts on a Sideshow
Sept. 12: Jessica Alba Outshines the Catwalk Models
Sept. 13: Bad News for Microsoft! Jessica Alba Spotted with i-Phone
Sept. 15: Mommy's Little Fashionista! Jessica Alba's Mni-Me Daughter
Sept. 15: Jessica Alba shows Off her Eclectic Style

Only six articles this week, down from last week's ten.  Possible reasons for this decline include she is in hiding because she got a zit or Rupert Murdoch has moved on to another lover. I'm going with Rupert Murdoch getting bored because a zit on Jessica Alba's nose would be a front page story at The Daily Mail.

Even More Rejected Daily Mail Comments

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Newlywed wife pushed her husband off a CLIFF
My comment: She looks like a lot of fun while he looks like a stiff (no pun intended).
When she gets off on a technicality, I'd love to play a few games of Eskimo Hunter and the Horny Walrus.

Only the Daily Mail capitalizes a whole word when it's not WORLD WAR III. I think we were all expecting the wife to push the husband off the bed so it's a good thing cliff jumps out at you.

Sheer daring! Miranda Kerr causes a stir in see-through blouse
My comment: Slather those pancakes with butter and Aunt Jemima's and then you would have a good photo and a story worth telling.

That outfit wouldn't cause a stir in an orthodox temple on Yom Kippur. Sometimes the Daily Mail editors need to be reminded what constitutes the news. I hate to step on Rupert Murdoch's toes but "Wake up Daily Mail editors!"

It's as easy as counting 1, 2... Wait, that's it. Two, two protruding nipples.

Naughty and nice! Tiffani Thiessen shows off her impressive cleavage
My comment:
Cleavage - the space between a woman's breasts when visible by a low-cut neckline
Big Breasts - breasts that are big.
There is a difference. Is it just me or does Tiffani Thiessen look like Ted Kennedy in drag. No cleavage but impressive jowls.

I think we were both expecting Kelly from Saved By The Bell to be dressed up as Mrs. Claus with a gaping, chasm beween her massive breasts that a newlywed wife could push her husband into.

Occasionally, the internet really disappoints. When I googled "Ted Kennedy in drag," I really thought I was going to get a vintage photo of young Teddy at Harvard in a performance by the Hasty Pudding Club.  Nothing.  But I did learn that he was recruited by the Green Bay Packers as a defensive end.

Maybe cleavage means something else in England? This beautiful example showed up today, fresh from the Jay Leno show. This my English friends is good, old fashioned American cleavage. I would so sign up for a raft trip through that canyon.

If you can identify the owner of this cleavage I will send you a rare, "How to Eat P*ssy" UncleMelon.com t-shirt.*

Wasn't it thoughtful of this celebrity to put up a warning sign for newlyweds looking for a dramatic backdrop? I went searching for additional signs on her body and found these.

Still thoughful but not that friendly. So I dug into the archives.

Same celebrity back when she was a little more welcoming.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

The girl with the very low-cut dress: Rooney Mara wows in plunging LBD for Calvin Klein post-show party
My Comment: She is so much hotter with all the piercings, and tats, and cool hairdo. In these photos, she kind of looks like my mom. Plain.   Rating ▼ 15

Admittedly, not my best work but this was tough week and I'm glad I got anything through. Daily Mail readers love wholesome; tattoos, piercings and unusual eye shadow frighten them.

America's first Muslim fraternity where prayer and charity replace drinking and parties
My Comment: Pious, sober and smart is no way to go through life, son. Seem like a nice bunch of guys. I think joining the Muslim Brotherhood would be more fun.   Rating ▼  60

When I got this masterful, re-working of a classic line from Animal House through the censors, I thought I was about to enter negative comment nirvana.  WTF? You get way more negativity when you defend Justin Bieber's manliness.

Bonus Halloween Mask

Finally, just in time for Halloween, a cut-out mask of Ted Kennedy. I had it left over from the above Photoshop hackjob and figured I'd share.

Put on your best, Sunday-Go-To-Meeting suit and this mask, and scare the crap out of John Boehner. Maybe he'll cry.

* Disclaimer: Friends, family and readers of this blog are not eligible for this contest.

The Week in Alba: The Daily Mail's Obsession with Jessica Alba

The Daily Mail is obsessed with Jessica Alba. Now, I know that she is a rightwing nutjob that infamously trashed the Screenwriters Guild when it went on strike, and she's hot, but does she deserve more than an article a day?  Jessica must be banging Rupert Murdoch or paying the Daily Mail for the exposure.

Here are this week's Jessica Alba articles:

Sept. 10: Jessica Alba Takes Daughter to Zoo
Sept 9: Jessica Alba the Stylish Mom takes a Break
Sept 9: Style Maven Jessica Alba Leads the Fashion Pack
Sept 8: The Perfect Day! Jessica Alba Explores NY with Daughter
Sept 7: Jessica Alba Can't Stop Taking Pictures of her Daughter
Sept 6: Boom! Jessica Alba is Back on Fashion Form
Sept. 5: Jessica Alba Flashes Toned Tummy
Sept. 5: Jessica Alba Goes from Yummy Mummy to Just Plain Mumsy
Sept. 3: Jessica Alba and her Daughter Wear Swimsuits
Sept 2: Jessica Alba Reveals her Trim Figure

Not exactly newsworthy or titilating stuff.  Jessica didn't open a blockbuster movie over the weekend, show off her baby bump or twerk with a dwarf yet she got 10 articles. Those are Kardashian numbers!

All KKK of them.

More Rejected Daily Mail Online Comments

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. You have to get your comments through Rupert Murdoch's warehouses full of censors.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Baby Face Bieber Reveals his Little Whiskers in Failed Attempt to Make his Look More Manly
My Comment: The moustache looks great!  Justin is THE man!!! Soon he'll be growing pubes, probably.

Couple Born in Same Hospital on Same Day Celebrate Golden Wedding Anniversary After Marrying as Childhood Sweethearts
My Comment: They should try to die in the same car crash, then it would be an actual story.

Never trust a Daily Mail headline. The headline states that they were born on the same day.  The very first sentence of the article states that they were born only days apart. Probably they were born in hospitals only miles apart within the same the year.

'I Made History': Miley Cyrus Compares Herself to Pop Icons Britney Spears and Madonna as She Speaks Out to Defend her Raunchy VMAs Performance
My Comment: Miley has more talent in her tongue than Britney has in her entire body!  BTW, how can a girl with that many chins have no butt?

Seriously, if your chins are gonna jiggle than your butt better jiggle too.

And also seriously, Miley can do special things with her tongue. It can go from a flat slab of meat to a angry red-headed, worm-like appendage that looks quite a bit like a cat's penis.

Short Miley Cyrus Aside
Later in the week there was a story about Miley Cyrus twerking a bunch of dwarves live on German TV.  WTF? When I went to comment, and I had at least 27 different comments involving twerking dwarves, I found the comment section locked. 

Unable to accept comments for legal reasons?  Did Rupert Murdoch cave in to the NAASP (National Association for the Advancement of Short People) without a fight?  So many comments dressed up with nowhere to go.

Tragic! Remote-Control Helicopter Stunt Pilot Decapitates Himself
My Comment: Tragic?  Stupid! The guy really used his head when it came to those helicopter stunts. Maybe he should have used his brain.

I quickly scanned the article for permission to make fun of a dead guy with no lag time and found it. "The [youtube] video culminates with him dropping the $1,500 model from the sky, only to restart the rotor when it is just inches from his head." And he didn't decapitate himself. There was no actual head rolling like on Game of Thrones. The rotors cut off  "a piece of his head."

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

'I just want to meet my friend Kim': Dennis Rodman returns to North Korea but ditches promise to help imprisoned American
My Comment: Dennis Rodman was the ultimate team player. He was NOT a thug. Just ask Michael Jordan. If Kim Kardashian was hooking up with Kim you guys would be all wanting to marry the guy. If Kim married Kim Jong Un it would be confusing because she would be Kim Jong Un too. Rating ▼  9

I thought defending Dennis Rodman would be comment gold.  Not so much. I think I know why.

New mum, new hair! Kim Kardashian goes blonde and debuts her slim post-pregnancy figure in skinny jeans as she steps out with baby North
My Comment: Kim looks even fatter as a blonde. Do you think the carpet matches the drapes?
Rating   5

The Daily Mail loves Kim Kardashian. Daily Mail readers really, really love Kim Kardashian.  So how the heck did I get the dreaded green arrows? I think my mistake with both comments is that I included obvious humor.

Even rightwing nutjobs like to laugh.

An American Asshole in Paris

Part Un: The Louvre

When visiting Paris, you have to visit The Louvre. If you don't, when you get to customs they won't let you out. So, I went to The Louvre. It's an incredibly big museum with incredibly long lines.

After the three hour wait for tickets I headed straight to the Leonardo Da Vinci wing to see the Mona Lisa.

Me and six busloads of Japanese tourists. Sadly, that's the closest I got to Mona. Her smile really is enigmatic, I think. Seriously, do you think I would let down my loyal reader and not fight my way through 600 stubborn Japanese tourists, all steadfastly obsessed with taking a picture of a picture that is housed behind an inch of scratched and glare-y bulletproof glass when they can easily download a perfectly good jpg off the internet?

What the guidebooks don't tell you about the Mona Lisa is that it's pretty small. Here's the Mona Lisa actual size.

And it's postmarked Genoa, August 15, 1505. Turns out Leonardo was commissioned to create a two lire stamp by Francesco del Giocondo and the Mona Lisa was born.  Disappointing? A bit.

My favorite Da Vinci painting at The Louvre is considered a minor work. After the overwhelming success of The Last Supper, Leonardo started pumping out all kinds of sequels. Did you know that after dinner, Jesus and a couple of the boys broke out the cards and chips and played Monday Night Baseball and Mexican Roll Your Own until the wee hours?

Da Vinci's The Last Card Game is a Late-Renaissance masterpiece. But Leonardo's true genius isn't displayed in his use of perspective, the fullness of the folds in the robes or the subtle expressions on the faces of the players. It's in the details.

If you look carefully under the table, you can see that Our Savior Jesus Christ is slipping Apostle Paul an ace of clubs.  Hilarious! I will defintely wear sandals to my next poker game.

A Short Break From The Louvre To Discuss My Socks

I was the only person in France that was wearing white, calf-length socks. Despite these socks, 127 French guys stopped and asked me directions, in French. After I fumbled out a "No parlyview frances," they'd counter with an "Allemand?" I'd say no, American. Realizing that an American in white, calf-length socks could never possibly know where anything is in Paris, they'd apologize and move on. Here are my socks in Amsterdam and London.

The Dutch and English took one look at my socks and never, ever, mistook me for a native. What's with the French?

Back To The Louvre

A lot of you guys don't know but Leonardo was not just a great painter and sculptor, he was also an engineer and inventor. The Louvre has one of his greatest inventions.

The first urinal.

Apparently, Leonardo also invented ping pong. Guy was a regular Rensaissance man.

Sometimes when you go to an art museum you learn something about world history that has absolutely nothing to do with art.

Look at the carefully carved hair on the back of this guy, let's call him David since I have no clue who he really is. I have that same patch of hair on the small of my back. I find it embarassing and ridiculous. When I'm at the supermarket topless, I'll walk around awkwardly carrying the basket full of groceries behind me so as to hide this patch of hair. When I was like 22 and had a date with a chick to the beach for the first time, I reached around and shaved it off.

Not Leonardo's peeps. That patch of hair is thick and luxurious. It looks like David's prep team, shamppooed, conditioned and styled that bad boy. You'd think that a statue of David with a big bush of back hair would be my favorite statue but you'd be wrong. This one is. I call it Ladyboy in Repose.

Yup, that girl is packing some nice mudpuppies and a schlong. Funny thing, see all those guys taking photos from the wrong side? I was the only guy in The Louvre that figured out that androgyne was French for transvestite hooker. They're all taking a photo of a sleepy woman taking a lie down.

Bottomline, is The Louvre worth waiting three hours for tickets, getting knocked down countless times by dozens of Japanese tourists -- when the Mona Lisa is no bigger than a placemat?

Yes. Why? One word, penis. When you walk around The Louvre gazing at all the tiny penises you feel really wonderful about yourself.

And you know that look your girlfriend/wife/twitter friend gives your penis after watching online porn? Take her to The Louvre and she will shiver with satisfaction the next time you drop your drawers. Thanks Leonardo!