This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/26/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian has a fin-tastic time in black bikini as she swims with and kisses a dolphin
My Comment:   I've never seen a dolphin kissing an elephant seal before!  Those kids will be uglier than Baby Nori.

Having already spread herpes and chlamydia throughout the human population, Kim Kardashian sets her sights on innocent dolphins.  Does her evil horniness know no bounds?

Karlie Kloss dresses down in tight-fitting jeans
My Comment:  A Karlie Kloss article with no side boob, no bottom boob, no top boob, and no nipply-wipplys?  Why is this news?

'I've lost three lemurs!' Kirstie Alley reveals she has dropped 20lbs since restarting the Jenny Craig plan
My Comment:   It looks like Kirstie ATE three lemurs, for breakfast, with a side of bacon, and a side of beef.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Queen Elizabeth and Duke of Edinburgh visit a notorious Belfast prison once synonymous with the Troubles
My Comment:   When you buy a hat like that, I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?  But it looks good on you, Your Majesty.  Rating ▼47

Khloe Kardashian puts on a leggy display in a form-fitting black ensemble as she reveals her top tips for 'staying healthy'
My Comment:  Might as well ask Ronald McDonald advice on staying healthy or maybe a walrus.  Rating ▲2

Jeremy Meeks' mother defends son. Says he wakes up crying, he's only guilty of being good looking
My Comment:  He doesn't wake up crying, that's a cute, little tear tattoo! This mother is dumb.  Rating ▼1

Kim Kardashian showcases her svelte figure in plunging black jumpsuit
My Comment:  Svelte?  Svelte means slender and elegant, two adjectives that do not apply to Kim Kardashian.  I think the word you meant was zaftig. It sounds the same but means having a full, rounded figure.  Rating ▲1

Selena Gomez flashes her taut and tanned tum in a skimpy crop top as she posts yet another flesh-baring selfie online
My Comment:  Yummy!  Selena, more selfies, por favor!  Rating ▼15

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/24/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Lindsay Lohan shows off her legs in thigh high boots as she once again hits Chiltern Firehouse
My Comment:  Lindsey Lohan goes to the Chiltern Firehouse so much, there has to be a fine layer of herpes and gonorrhea covering every flat surface in the place.  The health inspector should shut it down for a good hosing off.

Let's just be thankful that none of her ugly tattoos are visible.  Girl has more bad ink than an Algerian midfielder.

Jessica Alba hints one day she could go NUDE for a movie... as she shows off cute summer outfit on morning show 
My Comment:   Jessica better go nude soon, she's not getting any younger --  and it seems from that side photo that her talent is beginning to sag.

The Daily Mail highlights one of the two reasons to write a story about Jessica Alba.

Meet Entrepreneur Barbie! New doll comes armed with tiny tablet and smartphone to break the plastic ceiling
My Comment:  Barbie isn't going anywhere in corporate America looking like that if she can't bend her knees.

My bad.  Looks like Corporate Barbie is willing to go to any length to nail that promotion.  Cellphone, colorful graphs and articulated appendages.

Bootylicious Office star Mindy Kaling turns heads in figure-hugging dress as she heads into event in New York 
My Comment:  Mindy has the same butt as Kim without photoshop.  If Mindy ever decides that writing and acting are too much work, she can just buy photoshop and blow a wrapper.

I really thought that by cleverly juxtaposing rapper with wrapper I would get this comment through.  Damn you, Daily Mail and your highly paid censors. 


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kelly Osbourne shows off impressively pert derriere in a thong as she poses in racy Instagram shot
My Comment:   Kelly Osbourne makes Britney Spears look good. Now, that's impressive!  Rating ▲2

Because a horrific Britney Spears photo was featured in the article just before the Kelly Osbourne article.  And "pert' and Kelly Osbourne are impressively, mutually exclusive.

Both of these photos have a lot going on but I'll focus on the Kelly Osbourne one.  Who is that guy/gal with the flowers?  I think it's what Hollywood calls a butt wrangler.  Does anybody know how someone becomes a butt wrangler?  I really need a career change. Do I have to go to USC Film School or can I perfect my craft on lesser celebrities until, after years of working in the trenches, I can wrangle some Osbourne booty?

Australian photographer captures Migaloo the elusive white whale in full flight
My Comment:  That whale looks gray in the photo. Disappointing.  Rating ▼169

I'm sorry. That looks like a gray whale.  It's because of the shadows.  The photographer should have asked the whale to jump the other way, with his back to the sky.  Imagine waiting 14 years and getting it wrong?

At least Ahab got to kill Moby Dick (I'm assuming, because I never finished that book and it would be a stupid book if Ahab didn't get to kill the white whale at the end of the book). 

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/20/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian shows off her pole dancing skills
My Comment:  That pole could hold up the Golden Gate Bridge!  BTW, I wouldn't touch Kim Kardashian with a 10-foot pole and I wouldn't touch that pole.  It must smell like Liverpool at low tide.

'I'm going home to be with Jesus': Last words of killer who raped and murdered 15-year-old as he becomes the first US execution since botched lethal injection
My Comment:   More evidence that Jesus has worse taste in men than Taylor Swift.  Heaven can have all the born-agains, I'm heading south when I expire.

Kendall Jenner dresses to shock in gown slashed to reveal her pelvic bones as she joins little sister Kylie at MuchMusic Awards
My Comment:  I bet if you yanked down hard on that flap, it would roll up like a window shade allowing easy access to Kendall's nether region. A dress both beautiful and practical.

 Lena Headey wears unapologetic tank-top as she arrives at taping of Jimmy Kimmel show in Hollywood
My Comment:  It's a trap!

Because I got this exact comment through last week with respect to Jennifer Lopez and Lena does have a prominent Adam's apple/esophagus for a hot chick.

Then I thought maybe it was just a weird photo.

Nope.  Girl has a pretty thick neck for a princess.  Then I got to thinking how Cersei would look with a Disney neck and Disney waist.

    
Wow,  I can't draw anymore.  Bummer.

Khloe Kardashian dons animal mask and poses next to inflatable donut as she fools around 
My Comment:  What mask?   Belly up to the trough Khloe, that skirt can withstand a few more pounds.  Oink!

What mother would make her ugliest daughter that's kind of chubby wear a pig mask on TV?  Khloe's mother.


 Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Hats off to her! Katherine Jenkins highlights her slender figure in blue shift dress as she attends Royal Ascot Ladies' Day
My Comment:   She looks like a soulless party-goer in the Capitol from the Hunger Games.  Rating ▲1

Seriously, who's the parody and who's an actual upper-crust, elitist snob? 

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks - Final 2014 Update

Against my better judgement, I, a red-blooded American, sat down to watch Brazil vs. Croatia.

Croatia was playing energetically, aggressively, pushing forward instead of making a hundred meaningless passes at midfield.  Croatia was ahead 1-0 when Fred cheated.  He fell down.  He flopped.  He took a dive.

Brazil was losing so they cheated.

Fred pretended a big, bad Croatian pushed him. He faked it.

And, because this is World Cup Soccer, he was rewarded for his unmanly acts.

Referee Yuichi Nishimura gave the Croat a yellow card and awarded a penalty shot that even an American could have scored.  Later on, I guess to assure his payoff, Mr. Nishimura waved off a goal by Croatia for no apparent reason.


I have a question for the real soccer fans out there, "Does Japan get credit for the win?" That would be too fair for FIFA.

After the goal, that disgusting, cheating pussy Fred was caught on camera pointing to the heavens.

'

What a role model for today's youth!!! Fred was thanking God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit for teaching him how to cheat.

Thank God Brazil was able to fake it to victory.   Pele must be so proud.


Now we know the difference between a cheating pussy and a cheating cunt.  Cheating cunt is courtesy of  Irvine Welsh.


I will not watch another single minute of this World Cup.


Maybe in four years I'll try again. I'm sure the games in Qatar will be fair and clean. 

Why World Cup Soccer Sucks -- 4 Years Later

Sports is the only thing I consistently watch on TV with the following two exceptions, Game of Thrones and Orphan Black. I want to like soccer. I want to fill the empty void in my life with hours and hours of enjoyable games. Unfortunately, FIFA football sucks.  This is a barely updated version of a post first posted in 2010.

1. Diving and Flopping

There is nothing that will make a red-blooded American switch channels quicker than watching a hairy little Italian pussy grab his shin and roll around on the ground as if Tonya Harding had just gilloolyed his shin -- only to discover that the PUSSY faked it.

Then the stupid referee red cards the Third World defender and the underdog team that you have been rooting for has to play with only 10 guys. Italy, being a vastly superior team, now with an extra player,  overwhelms its opponent with a barrage of shots (one) and wins the game 1-0.

Watching a supposed athlete fake an injury is embarrassing to an American. Nancy Kerrigan, (an actual woman as opposed to a hairy little Italian man acting like a female genitalia) actually gets hit in the shin with a crow bar and than competes in the Olympics. A soccer player almost gets kicked in the leg and he falls faster than Italy in World War II.  Leave it to the Italians to excel in a game that covets cowardice.

2. Ties

The only ties in sports should be around the necks of the former players that are announcing the game. Nil to nil is not a score, it's a snooze fest. An American would rather lose while fighting hard than safely tie an opponent for a strategical advantage later on in the tournament.

3. Thousands of Meaningless Passes

Actual quote I heard during a game yesterday after Brazil passed it 37 times in a row before the ball bounced harmlessly off a guy's foot out of bounds.

"Blimey Trevor, I was lucky enough to call the game back in '96 when the Argentines scored the historic 67 pass goal and I thought I was about to see one even better. All for naught, I'm afraid. Beautiful game, indeed."

Basketball used to have hundreds of meaningless passes and endless dribbling until someone with a brain realized it was more more fun to watch a guy actually try to score. Twenty-four second clock. There has to be one clock in Brazil with a second hand. Find it. Use it. Fun will happen.

4. Players With Arms Like 5 Year Old Girls

I know they use their legs 99% of the time but would it kill them to hit the weight room once a month? Most of these guys would lose an arm wrestling match with Paris Hilton!

And there is this thing called a "throw in" that requires the use of arms. I would say that they throw like 6 year old girls but that would be an insult to all 6-year old girls. Also, wouldn't the additional body mass provided by actual biceps or shoulders be useful in those battles for a header in front of the goal?

Americans don't like watching highly-paid athletes they can beat up.

A Few Things I like About the World Cup

1. No Commercials!

Don't you foreigners buy beer and cars? I've lost five pounds because I can't get up off the couch every five minutes to visit the fridge. Of course the joke is on me, so little happens during a game that I could go in the kitchen and prepare a three course meal and all I would miss is 800 passes, 12 fake injuries and a near miss.

2. One Game at a Time

If I actually cared about the World Cup, I could actually watch every game on American TV. During NCAA March Madness, I can't do this. I can't even do it during the baseball playoffs.

3. Should Be Called Football

Soccer players use their feet a lot more than American football players. We should start calling soccer football and come up with a better name for our football. I have a few suggestions:

Handball -- too much like pocket pool.
ReallyBigThighBall -- too racist.
Smashball -- too painfully suggestive.

Penaltyball -- too accurate.

GroundPossessionBall -- Are you ready for some GroundPossessionBall?

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/11/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Mexican Kim Kardashian lookalike 'takes over as boss of drug cartel hit squad' and uses a personalised pink AK47
My Comment:   Kayne married the wrong woman.  He should go to Mexico this weekend for a quickie divorce.

'She has the perfect body!' Kris Jenner says daughter Kendall's topless modelling shots 'comes with the territory' 
My Comment:   Has mom picked the rapper Kendall will have to fornicate with so they can leak the video?   50 Cent is on the comeback trail.  He would be a good choice.

 Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Svelte Khloe Kardashian treats herself to some much needed pampering with a manicure after a whirlwind few weeks
My Comment:   Much needed pampering? How about she gets a real job and works for a living? Khloe has been pampered her whole life!  Does svelte mean something else in England?  Rating ▲3

In the United States of America,  svelte means slender and elegant, your own Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge is a perfect example of svelte.   Khloe Kardashian is not slender, we would call her "thick," and she is the polar opposite of elegant.   Khloe is unimpressive, unrefined, unsophisticated, in a word, crude and tasteless.  Wait, that's two words.
 

Jennifer Lopez doesn't leave much to the imagination as she strips down to sexy latex stockings and suspenders to play first- ever gig in The Bronx
My Comment:  It's a trap!  No votes

Because, you know, her boyfriend likes banging transexuals and J-Lo does have a pretty masculine face, and by pretty, I mean "to a moderately high degree," although she also has a pretty face despite it's masculine features.

On a personal note, this is a rare case where I am too hip for the room.  Clearly, nobody got "It's a trap!" lmao

Kanye West to take 'drastic measures' to beef up daughter North's security as he 'fears for her safety'
My Comment:   Here's a security idea, Kayne. Stop exploiting her. That baby takes more selfies than James Franco. If you want to keep Baby North's face off a milk carton, stop milking her for all those bucks.  Rating ▲4

Lying law graduate who claimed boyfriend raped her 11 times so she had an excuse for failing her bar exams faces jail
My Comment:  Lying, cheating, total lack of morals, she's going to be a great lawyer!  Rating ▲21

Kim Kardashian is almost unrecognizable as she trades sexy frocks for Amish style billowing dress
My Comment:   No Amish woman with eyes would wear that hideous frock.  Rating ▲10

One of these things is not like the others

One of these things just doesn't belong

The others are plain, simple and hard-working

Kim is a slut that likes a big schlong. 
                                              -Elmo Melonosky

Don Zimmer, 1931-2014

Last night I found out about the death of Don Zimmer while listening to the Yankee game on the WFAN Yankees Radio Network Driven by Jeep.

It went something like this, understand I'm paraphrasing a bit:

Suzyn Walman:  Oh my, oh this is terrible, John. 

John Sterling:  I've seen worse swings, Suzyn.  Baseball is a funny game.  Derek Jeter takes a perfect swing and hits a liner right at the leftfielder while that young Oakland A's catcher hits a dribbler and drives in a run. You can't predict baseball.

Suzyn: No, look at this John. (rustling of paper)

John: Oh my, this is sad news, Suzyn.  Don Zimmer's passing brought to you by 5-Hour Energy.  Feeling dead tired? Try a 5-Hour Energy today. 

To be fair, John Sterling didn't do a drop-in as soon as he read the news -- but within a minute or two, a beep must have gone of in his headset and he told us the pitch count and read a 5-Hour Energy promo right in the middle of a Don Zimmer story.

Yankee broadcasts have no class, no style, and worst of all, no idea what's going on in the game.

New York Yankee radio broadcasts make my ears bleed.

And when ever a Yankee bleeds he heads on over to New York Presbyterian Hospital.  Back to back, belly to belly, New York Presbyterian Hospital sponsors every Yankee scrape, cut and contusion, no matter the location.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/4/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

A golden toilet tower, Kanye West sawing the bar in half and a 45 minute speech: New report claims to have the inside scoop on Kim Kardashian's wedding
My Comment:   Nowadays no wedding is complete without a golden toilet shower.  There's a typo in your headline DM!  Twas a beautiful ceremony tho a bit damp - R. Kelly

Never thought I'd see Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin photobombing a wedding picture by sneaking some champagne from a golden toilet, but I don't get out much.

Khloe Kardashian and Kendall Jenner frock up in dresses made in Australia
My Comment:  Photoshop!  Photoshop!  Where's my photoshop?  Khloe looks like a sparkly pile of concrete rubble.

"I'm not paying you editors at The Daily Mail to publish ugly photos of me!" snarled Khloe Kardashian as she stormed into my cubicle.

"How's this Ms. Kardashian?"

"Slammin.  Wanna do some coke, fuck, then maybe get married?" purred Khloe Kardashian as she threw me to the floor of my cubicle and pulled out a video camera.

"No thank you, Ms. Kardashian. I'd just like to get up now," I said.

That's when she hit me in the head with her Proenza Schouler neon yellow handbag ($1,695, Barneys New York).

I awoke the next morning with herpes, a wedding ring and a three year deal with E! Network. 

 Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

'Tiny Tiger' Xavier Good can hit a golf ball 40 yards
My Comment: The average par 3 in America is over 200 yards so 40 is not going to get you on the green in two. I would crush this kid. I realize that golf might be different in England, but seriously.  Rating ▼46

Plane nearly lands on German sunbather as pilot flies dangerously low over beach
My Comment:  Germans love to sunbath. I'm surprised he wasn't naked.  Rating ▼6

I was going to go with "Germans love to sunbathe nude. I'm surprised he wasn't showing off his wienerschnitzel," but was scared off by the censors.  I'm going to try it now and see what happens. Update: Wienerschnitzel was a no go.  Too provocative.

Selena Gomez visits Nepal as she focuses on 'spiritual growth' after split from Justin Bieber... while her grandparents open up about the troubled relationship
My Comment: It's probably nice for Selena being around kids that don't want to take a selfie with her. That one boy couldn't look less interested. Doesn't he watch the Disney Channel hour after hour, every day, until his brain turns to mush?  Rating ▲15

Selena Gomez gives me "spiritual growth," in my PANTS!

Kim Kardashian gives Paris another 'Eiffel' as she squeezes into buttoned-down leather ensemble for ANOTHER visit to tower
My Comment:   An Eiffel? Kim Kardashian is giving the men of Paris a crepe -- a floppy, soft, pancake. Have you seen what French women look like?  Fat they ain't.  Rating ▼1

Eiffel is DM's clever euphemism for erection.  Clever like my Selena Gomez spiritual growth gag.   I guarantee Kim is not causing the erection of towers all over Paris.  If she could just eat a few less crepes?  We'll never know. 

You're skeptical.  I can tell. Here's a to-scale photo of Kim Kardashian and a typical French woman.

I know what you're thinking, "You're not being fair, Kim looked much better as a blonde."  Here you go, Eva Green and Kim as blondes.

I know what you're thinking, "That's not a typical French woman, that's a famous French woman named Eva Green that started acting on the stage, speaks three languages and has been in lots of movies.  All Kim has ever done is perform oral sex on a no longer famous rapper."

You got me there.  Eva still looks way better.