Wednesday, February 26, 2014

My Dick Reviews American Hustle

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Disclaimer and Warning: Read this after you've seen it. Contains spoilers and an image of a penis. Since I am a dick and I've shown a whole lot of female anatomy, it was time to pull a Heckerling.

I have very mixed feelings about American Hustle.  On one hand I really, really enjoyed watching Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams, on the other hand it really, really bums me out that I wasn't a penis in 1978.

If you were a penis in 1978, all you had to be attached to in order to bang Jennifer Lawrence AND Amy Adams was a guy like Burt.

Christian Bale nude naked American Hustle funny

Wow, that was considered hunky in 1978.  No workouts, dieting or running.  No Brazilian waxing, steroids or that special genetic miracle that results in a truly, good-looking human being.  Grooming? Honestly, it's hard to tell where the bear rug ends and the Burt Reynolds' bare rug begins.

An extremely annotated list of Burt's sexual conquests boggles my balls.  Here's the Mount Rushmore of Burt Reynolds Chicks.

Burt Reynolds poontang abridged

In American Hustle, Christian Bale plays a guy that is trying to look like Burt Reynolds.

Christian Bale comb over funny

He's a fat, marginally successful but sleazy, Burt Reynolds lookalike.  Desirable babes can't resist him.  Remember, in 1978 Ron Jeremy was James Deen.

male perfection 1978 to present

Your mom's little red Corvette got humming thanks to the stud on the left.  Boggled yet?

Now for the two best parts of American Hustle.

Amy Adams beautiful American Hustle funny

If Amy Adams sat on my desk wearing that dress, I would gladly hand over a check for $5,000. If she were my girlfriend, I would leave my wife.  If she only wanted to be my mistress, I would marry the FBI cat lady to make it so.

Jennifer Lawrence sexy butt

Jennifer Lawrence was almost as hot.  She had more curves and wiggles than Marilyn Monroe.  I wouldn't marry her but I would spend an incredible weekend in Atlantic City with her, using an assumed name.

Jennifer Lawrence kissing Amy Adams animated gif

When she kisses Amy Adams, I looked like an Oscar.  After watching Amy's facial reaction to the kiss, I looked like one of those 25-foot tall Oscar statues that decorate the stage.

So, on the standard Ohio Players album cover scale* where 1 cover is me dating Dinah Shore and 5 covers is me dating Amy Adams, Adrienne Barbeau and Loni Anderson all at once, I give American Hustle three and a half covers. 

American Hustle funny review

* When I was a prepubescent pudpuller, I used to take home Ohio Players albums from the library but never actually listened to them.  A babysitter once caught me in bed with a folded out Ohio Players Honey album cover. She told me disco sucked but never told my mom.  

Other articles by my dick:

My Dick Reviews The Hobbit 2
My Dick Reviews House of Cards
My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

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