Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Canadian or Lesbian? A Tiny Bit of Hockey Humor

From the PtB archives:
Given that hockey playoff scores are now part of the 20 minute updates on sports talk radio, I figured I'd post this hockey bit.

Canadian or Lesbian? has a weird origin story. This guy that owned either CollegeHumor or ConsumptionJunction approached my brother and me about writing a monthly humor section for a magazine he was launching. The magazine was going to be called Dream. It was going to be just like Maxim or FHM but with thick, shiny paper and wide open beavers inside. It didn't seem like much of a business plan to me but I was not an internet millionaire. My stupid site was costing me money to run.

We were supposed to fill four full pages every month and were going to get paid a whopping 25 cents a word. We were also going to be allowed to use real, live models and art production so we didn't have to steal photos off of google. It seemed too good to be true. Remember that thought.

We had a ridiculous deadline for the first issue and getting paid was going straight to our heads. We immediately were propelled back to high school. We were counting every word and mulitplying each one by 25 cents. We added as many and's and the's as we could. We never used a can't when we could use a can not. We asked if hyphenated words counted as two.

Then the guy (I just can't remember his name) tells us he wants a bit called Canadian or Lesbian? because you know, that would be so effing funny, so do it, okay? We didn't even know what it meant or why it was so inherently funny. My brother came up with the idea that maybe its because both words end in "ians."

So we write the bit and use Neve Campbell and Jill Hennessey as stand-ins for the promised art production. The guy loves it. He also loves everything else we wrote. I had this great idea for a foto funnies series on sexual perversions that could only be done with real models. It was kick ass funny in a very old school National Lampoon way.

Then the guy screws us. He's got no problem paying us -- it was only like 80 bucks. But it was a no go to the original production. His lawyers said it was okay to use the images we stole from the internet for the mock-ups. So we bailed.

And ended up with this pretty funny bit called Canadian or Lesbian?

Canadian or Lesbian?
How to tell the difference?

Hot, Canadian babes are often hard to tell apart from hot, lesbian babes. They share many common characteristics. Why is this important? If you are a man, trying to pick up a lesbian babe can be difficult and may result in embarassing public rejections. If you are a lesbian that isn't too discriminating, a Canadian lesbian can often be acquired for the price of a beer.

The following picture points out the confusing areas of concern:

So how do you tell them apart? Luckily, there are glaring differences that with a little practice can be easy for the connoisseur to identify. Here are the major differences:

Lesbian: Would never let anyone named Stanley cup her ass
Canadian: Would drink a quart of Labatts from Stanley's cup

Lesbian: Broad shoulders and sensible shoes
Canadian: Broad shoulders and CCMs

Lesbian: Prefers to score between periods
Canadian: Prefers to score during a period

Lesbian: Pubic hair moustache on upper lip
Canadian: Molson moustache on upper lip

Lesbian: Suffers from chronic muff jaw
Canadian: Suffers from living in Moose Jaw

Lesbian: Little or no stick work but spends a lot of time in the crease
Canadian: She makes up for her lack of size with great stickhandling, a nasty wrist shot and her hip check is a beauty, eh?

Editor's Note: For reference, these babes are Canadian, Neve Campbell was born in Guelph, Ontario and Jill Hennessey was born in Edmonton, Alberta. Their sexual preference will require further study.

A post about hockey and I didn't go on and on about the time I skated against Gordie Howe. You guys lucked out. Ask anyone that knows me.

And just for the record, our good friends to the north are good sports, CanadaKicksAss.net


  1. No, we're not Canadian but we are willing to learn.

    If you know that reference, you can lurk in my pants!