Why I Should Be Coaching the Cavaliers

If I was coaching the Cavaliers, they would move on to the finals. No doubt. Guaranteed. No shit. A two word game plan will result in victory.

Bait Howard

Dwight Howard got his 6th technical foul of the playoffs last night. If he gets called for one more technical foul, he will be thrown out of the game and suspended for an additional game. Without Dwight Howard, the Orlando Magic will lose.

The Cavaliers should do whatever it takes to get Howard a technical. Punch him, trip him, call his mother an ugly whore that sucks off Dick Vitale for nickels.

It's not cheating. It's called gamesmanship. It must be done early in the next game.

It doesn't take much to get a technical foul nowadays -- unless you are LeBron James. Last night Howard got one for striking a WWF pose after a slam dunk. What was laughable about the foul call was that the reason he struck a pose was that a big hairy Brazilian guy grabbed him and tried to wrestle him to the ground. Howard ignored the goon, leaped into the air and finished the play. Dave Stern's refs called a technical. Dave Stern really wants LeBron in the finals.

I know what you're thinking, Dwight Howard is a pretty smart guy. He went to high school and stuff. He's going to expect the Cavaliers to go after him.

I'd use Sasha Pavlovic. He barely plays and he's a Serb. As we all know, Serbs can be really annoying. If I was the Cavalier coach, within the first minute of the next game, Dwight Howard would get a technical and my team would be guaranteed a berth in the NBA Finals.

Sasha Pavlovic would foul Howard hard. He would grab Howard's ass. He would curse as only a Serb can. He would lick the rivulets of sweat off of Howard's finely chiseled upper arms. Whatever it takes, by all means necessary, he would get Howard to commit a technical foul or I would send him back to Serbia.

And the Cavaliers would win. No doubt. Guaranteed. No shit.