Happy Thanksgiving!

Prithee! Yon savages aim to plow my virgin
ground with their native arrows.

Give thanks to the Lord on this day!

More Art Appreciation at CircusAfterDark.com

More Wall Street Journal Humor: Classic Slob on the Couch Bit

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper... and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

Not funny and written for shit. Why did the guy write "we?" Are the two women talking to us, the Wall Street Journal readers? If the straight-haired woman is talking to the curly-haired woman, it should be "I'm waiting..." It's supposed to be funny because a disgusting nobody can't possibly do anything worthy of human drama. Does anybody at the Wall Street Journal watch television? Reality shows are human drama performed by disgusting nobodies.

I have to admit that it's a pretty good drawing but I would have taken the time to erase all those errant pencil marks. I believe that an artist should have some respect for his work, especially if he's getting paid. Also, he forgot to finish drawing the guys arms and those picture frames. Lazy.

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after months of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me, we'll talk.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.

Bristol Palin's Heaving Breasts and More Snarky Comments

Because this blog has turned into GetYourselfOffUsingBristolPalinPhotos.com, more of the Dancing Queen (not the gay guy, Bristol).

Random Rude Remarks with photos from last night's performance on DWTS.

There is no truth to the rumor that Bristol Palin made it to the finals by eating the other contestants. (FYI, those are her heaving breasts)

Finally, Bristol has flattering prom photos where she doesn't look 6 months pregnant.

Her partner tried to explain to her that musical chairs was not a style of dance popular in pre-war Berlin, but Bristol always knows better.


And now a cheap shot at her mother, Sarah Palin. This is Sarah Palin's actual prom photo.

I have to admit that I'm pretty disappointed. Sarah is not all that. She looks like the chubby wannabe loser in Saturday Night Fever that John Travolta boinks in the backseat and then dumps off the Verrazano Bridge. Believe me, Sarah would not win any beauty pageants in Brooklyn. And that cheap date didn't even buy her a corsage. No wonder she ended up with Todd.

This concludes today's Bristol Palin update. Thanks for coming.

More Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe - what happens when too tight pants meet too large labia majora.
Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - see above only plural.
Bristol Palin in a Monkey Suit - see above only furrier.
Friday Fotoshop Funnies: Bristol Palin Shakes her ... - ass.
Bristol Palin or Rare Pink Hippo? - you decide.
Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy? - rare photo of Bristol after she's been ridden hard and put away wet.
I Wouldn't Fuck Bristol Palin with Ann Coulter's Dick! - Bristol goes to a tea party wearing $13,000 earrings.

Black Man Punches Serial Sex Offender Gets Fined $25,000

Richard Seymore of the Oakland Raiders punches the white O.J. Simpson, rapist Ben Roethlisberger.

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe

Bristol Palin's Camel Toe (or cameltoe if you live in Kentucky), what's all the ruckus? As you can clearly see from this screen capture, I've been getting a ton* of visitors looking for Bristol Palin camel toe. The only Bristol Palin bodyparts that are getting more attention are Bristol Palin legs and Bristol Palin breasts.



Why are masses of horny, one-handed surfers landing on my beach? Google. I'm number 3 for Bristol Palin camel toe. Yeah, my mom is proud.




While I have her legs displayed prominently in various posts so I can make fun of them, and her breasts (completely obscured by clothing) have been known to hang around here, there have not been any camel toes belonging to Bristol Palin on this blog, until now. I always aim to please my anonymous, dick-holding fans. This toe is for you!

Here she comes, walking down the street.

In too tight pants, licking a frozen treat. Hey, hey its Bristol Palin.

Come closer, Bristol. Closer. Pay no attention to the camera I have duct taped to my shoe.

Got it. Time to zoom in.

Sweet merciful crap, that's a beautiful camel toe. Are you sure that you wouldn't rather have a nice photo of Britol Palin's beer gut? I'm going to have to use photoshop to enhance the toe. It's there, it's just hard to see. Give me a few minutes.

Yummy.

I'd rather have the frozen yogurt. What is it with you guys and your camel toes? Breasts, I understand. Legs, I like the legs. A juicy, bouncy butt rippling and jiggling with every move that she makes. Duh. A cute face, a beautiful face, nice shiny hair? Yes. Yes. Yes. Even a big sloppy, puffy vag stuck in my face, I can get with that program. But a camel toe - the slight indication that a woman may have an orifice concealed under clothing that we all know she has. It don't yank my chain.

*Ton is relative. Maybe a kilo of visitors would be more accurate.

Bristol Palin's Camel Toes - An Update

Now we know why Bristol dances like shit.

Seriously, her mother should shoot a camel and make slippers out of those bad boys. They look warm and snuggly.

Does anyone know why camel feet have that weird hole in the front?

Big thanks to regular contributor William Safire for suggesting this update in his comments!

Michael Vick is a Video Game

The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game
by Circus After Dark Productions
Platform: Xbox Rated: Mature
☆☆☆☆☆ (32 customer reviews)
----------------------------

Price: $39.99

399 new from $9.89 8 used from $2.99

In stock.
Processing takes an additional 4 to 5 days for orders from this seller.
Ships from and sold by Circus After Dark Productions.


Product Features

• Take a young, agressive prospect through the keep all the way to The Show.
• Start out as a junior handler, shit shoveller, bucket boy, NFL quarterback, enforcer or getaway driver.
• Need to get rid of puppies that are too nice? Drown 'em, strangle 'em, break their necks, skin 'em, you decide!
• Play by Cajun Rules or make up your own damn rules.
• Test your dog's gameness with 12 different bait animals including rabbits, kittens, poodles, and the ever popular Mexican Hairless.

Product Description

Dogfighting, we've all dreamed it but do you have what it takes to join the ranks of the cruel, ruthless dogmen? Heartless enough to turn a lovable scamp into a cold-blooded Grand Champion? Find out, order The Pit: The Michael Vick Dogfighting Video Game today!

Celebrity Reviews

"Not since Jesus of Nazareth has a better, more deserving man risen from the ashes! Michael Vick is the greatest man ever, until Tiger Woods wins another major. I love him and want to bear his children and wipe his ass with my tongue." Mike Greenberg, Mike and Mike in the Morning, ESPN Radio.

Disney Week: And Disney Created Woman...

I'm ending Disney Week with a regurgitation of a favorite bit updated for 2010.

Disney World has a major problem. Mother nature and her darned DNA can't make a woman that lives up to the standards created by the horny artists locked up in those Disney Studios. While standing in long lines in the hot sun, I expect the type of eye candy ol' Walt used to put up in Cinemascope. Instead I get this...

Ariel, The Little Mermaid

Ahhh, there is nothing like a sweet, innocent, half-fish, half-gorgeous teen, with beautiful C-shells. (For the purposes of this discussion lets assume she's at least 18. She got married in the movie and it didn't look like Arkansas.)

Okay, so the woman (I can't bring myself to say "actress") portraying Ariel is attractive but compared to the cartoon version she looks like yesterday's bait! Look at Ariel's body! What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to filet that tuna!

Belle

Poor, bookish Belle, alone in a spooky mansion with a beast that lisps like that half-a-fag Robbie Benson. Her only friends? A candle and a bunch of other household crap. God, she must have wanted to crush that loud-mouth teapot into a whole family of Chips.

Whoa, look at the mug on the human Belle. What rodent did she sleep with to get the job? What rodent did her mom sleep with to get that kid?

Jasmine

Jasmine, in a perpetual tie with Pocahontas for sexiest, non-white Disney babe, she's fallen a bit from grace what with Aladdin sitting in Guantanamo and her magic carpet perpetually grounded because her name keeps getting put on Homeland Security's "No Fly List."

Again, I'm sure the human Jasmine is cute when she dresses up as Chip 'n/or Dale but she doesn't even look Arabic (OK, that might a been what the suits in Orlando were going for). Look at the cartoon Jasmine! A 10-inch waist, a nice full B-cup, and more curves than the Saudi peninsula. Ya never had a friend like me, baby!

Aurora, Sleeping Beauty

I've never seen the movie Sleeping Beauty (at one point growing up I was a boy). I'm sure the story is very nice, involves her mother being dead and includes some lesbian-overtones with furry, little woodland creatures.


I think the human Aurora's been snoozing, after filling up with ribs at the Piglet cookout. They needed the leftover material from Jasmine's pants for that dress! The "real" Aurora looks more like a Barbie doll than a Barbie doll. Can a woman have a waist smaller than 10 inches? Where does she put her important stuff, like her stomache, intestines and gall bladder?

Cinderella

Ah, Cinderella, everyone's dream girl, always on her knees in front of her evil stepsisters, spending hours taking care of their wood floors. Scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, until they're both satisfied with her handiwork. Oh my, where was I? Oh yeah, blogging.

Now this Cinderella is cute in a girl-next-door-to-the-grain-elevator-you-can-get-drunk-with-some-Jack-and-Kool-Aid-and-cop-a-feel-kind-of-way. The real Cinderella looks more like a Barbie doll than Sleeping Beauty, 'cept she has that collar on. I like that collar. Where's my leash and my chew toy?

Jane, from Tarzan

Jane is hard to talk about 'cause I keep thinking of that big headed woman who did her voice, who women think is good-lookin' but we all know really isn't (except for Matt Damon but he was supposed to be an idiot savant Mic in that movie and can't really be taken seriously). She's kind of like Meryl Streep or maybe more like Glenn Close, I mean come on I would have been more likely to do John Lithgow than Glenn in that movie and she was wearing an old school nurse uniform which usually does the trick for me.

Let's just focus on the necks. The human Jane is cute, but cartoon Jane's neck is so thin you could wrap your thumb and forefinger around it -- twice. Why is that HOT!?! And while we're talking about necks that look like the stick in a Tootsie Blow Pop, what did Jane Jetson see in George?

Pocahontas

This was almost a tie! Apparently native americans are hot in acetate and human flesh. I asked for her number at Goofy's Beach Club Character Breakfast. She told me that her long tortuous relationship with John Smith had left her with a strong distaste for the white man. Damn English!

Of course the cartoon version has tom-toms the size of wigwams and a face that can not exist in the real world, especially on the Rez. Pocahontas' face is so caucasian that it looks like it belongs on one of those sexy goldfish from Walt's early days. She has no nose, just slits -- because fish breathe with gills, stupid. And if her eyes were any more spread apart, she would have no depth perception at all, but would be able to see a larger fish sneaking up on her from behind.

Minnie and Daisy

Actually, Minnie is kinda cute and what does it matter what the chick inside looks like? I'm going to make her keep the head on anyway. Daisy? She's keeping the whole suit on. I've yet to experience a cloaca.* Come to think of it, if she's only done it with Donald she's has no experience with external gentalia, so we're both in for a treat.

Update for 2010

Princess Tiana

Hottest African-American princess ever. Looking good in the flesh and as a computer graphic. I have no jokes because I am old and have not seen a Disney princess movie that's come out after 1999.

Alright I'll give it a try. The cartoon Tiana looks like she's fifteen so you know R. Kelly would hit it -- with piss. The human Tiana is way older and looks just like Phylicia Rashad, but I would hit it. Wait, it is Phylicia Rashad! Phylicia Rashad working at Disney World. It's sad but I'd still hit it.

That's what I get for trying. Next time I'll mail it in.

The highlight of my visit to Disney world was not the real life characters. Human Jasmine was a major disappointment. She was wearing a bathrobe with a hood and was showing less skin than Mary Poppins.

However, if you are a pervert, do not miss Mickey's Philharmagic. Jasmine and Ariel both make an appearance in glorious 3-D and shove their considerable assets right in your face. I instinctively whipped out my wallet and tired to shove a few bills into their g-strings.

Finally, take a look at Ariel, specifically where her body transforms from human to fish.

What is that adipose fin-like appendage that circles her waist and points directly at her vagina (if she has a vagina). It can't be used for propulsion and isn't even aerodynamic.

Here's a close up.

I did exhaustive research on mermaids on the internet for five minutes and found these guys.

None of them have Ariel's g-string-ish fin thing. So, the horny Disney artists must have invented it. I like to believe that they included a zipper hidden beneath her scales that allows for easy access.

Finally (for real this time), during my research I found this photo of Alyssa Milano dressed as a mermaid. Enjoy.

*Cloaca - the posterior opening that serves as the only such opening for the intestinal, reproductive, and urinary tracts of certain animal species. Some fish, and all birds, repitles and amphibians possess this orifice.

Disney Week: The Future of the Magic Kingdom

I have seen the future of Disney World -- in the movie WALL-E.

Three hours into my vacation at Disney World, I noticed something weird. There were more scooters in the park than there were strollers. When I say scooters, I'm not talking about these things.

I'm talking about these things. You know, Evel Knievel's last ride, the Rascal, a tricked out wheelchair, a scooter.

Thousands and thousands of scooters as far as the eye could see. I knew that Disney had gay days, and military days, but Bring a Disabled Fat Guy to Disney Day? It wasn't in the official guide. After careful study, I noticed something unusual about these disabled people:

They all had a smoked turkey leg in one hand

They all had greasy turkey dribblings on all their chins

They all had several chins each

They all got out of their scooters after they parked them next to the stollers and got on line with nary a limp.

This was not a vast army of disabled fatties. It was a vast army of lazy, fat asses.

I have seen the future and it ain't pretty. The good folks at Pixar gave us a warning -- under the watchful eyes of their evil, corporate overlords.

You know how the humans in Wall-E have evolved into chubby, soft, infantesque slugs that can not even get out of there mobile recliner chairs? I screen captured a frame from the movie and look, a smoked turkey leg and a jumbo-sized Diet Coke. Subliminal product placement? I don't think so. Pixar knows that Disney Imagineers are working feverishly, and in less than twenty years, we will be those larva-like, lumps of lard.

The monorail will stop at the Magic Kingdom. Our electric recliner chairs will disembark and efficiently transport us around the park. We'll go to every attraction, no need to get out of our chairs, they just snap on to the rides. No need to think or make a decision, our chairs will visit every gift shop, every parade, every ride and every turkey leg stand, then deposit us at our Disney Resort hotel room fourteen hours later. Restrooms? Only Granny uses restrooms. Colostomy bags and catheters for everyone, complete with ears!

Why do I care if Americans are too damn lazy to walk? Look at this photo I took of the guys I was with on my trip.

The only photo where I finally got everyone to pose in one place and some frickin princess from Tennessee, a slug in training, ruins the shot with her speedy junior scooter.

If you look closely, there it is, the smoked turkey leg ,and I think I see a second chin begining to emerge.

Be scared people, be very, very scared.

Disney Week: Snow White and the Medicated Dwarves

I just spent 3 days at Disney World (don't ask) so now you all have to suffer. I am declaring this week Disney Week! First up, a rerun of one of my favorite bits, that's clever, funny, and well-drawn. I have updated the text a little.

Snow White has been busy improving the lives of her housemates. With the help of the Pharmaceutical Research Manufacturer's Association (PhRMA), Snow White has all the dwarves on human growth hormone, and has carefully selected prescriptions for each of their "quirks." Snow White has joined us today as a special guest:

Narcoleptic Dwarf (we affectionately call him Narcky), formerly known as Sleepy, was not only the least productive of the dwarves, but also posed a safety hazard in the diamond mine. Everytime the accident bell rang and I had to pull the lifeless bodies of Dopey and Doc from a tunnel, I knew ol' Sleepy had nodded off at the air bellows. Thanks to the research and development efforts of Cephalon, we sometimes call him "Perky" instead. He stares at the task at hand and performs his job. Just don't try and strike up a conversation or chit-chat, because Foggy will just mumble a few words and go right back to work.

Allergic Dwarf, formerly known as Sneezy, was very pleasant and meant well. But just try to eat your bowl of porridge when the dwarf across the table from you is schnuffling, and dripping, and wiping his little snot covered fingers all over the tablecloth. And when he sneezed! Sure we used it for a couple of cheap laughs when we made the movie but I literally had to get out the mop and the bucket and scrub half the cottage everytime he let one loose. Thanks to Claritin and the good folks at the Schering-Plough Corporation, Ally is a happier, less disgusting dwarf that is a pleasure to live with!

Depressy, formerly known as Grumpy, has finally addressed his issues with his mother, and her prenatal habits that led directly to his disability. Once we titrated his dose to 80 mg per day, he's acted as happy as a lark, even if he still sings like a foghorn. We still give credit to Eli Lilly, even though the cheapskates over at Disney will only pay for the cheaper generic version of the drug. Of course, D.P. can no longer masturbate, but that's one less mess I have to clean up every morning!

Social Anxiety Disorder (SADDY) Dwarf, formerly known as Bashful, was a frustrating little dwarf to be around. Oh, if I had a lump of coal for everytime I just wanted to yell, "Just say it already loser!" -- I could have bought this cottage and sent the lot of them on their merry way. But I'm a beautiful, fairy tale princess that has been wrongfully exiled by an equally beautiful evil stepmother, so I just had to bite my tongue and be patient. My tongue was a mess!

Thanks to Paxil and GlaxoSmithKline, SADDY is much less frustrating to live with. My tongue has healed but now my buttocks are sore from his constant pinching. Given the choice, this princess would take SADDY everytime.

Manic, as we call him now, was Happy to the viewing public, but he had a much darker side at home. We could only film during his "highs," and when the bottom dropped out, he'd hide in the mine for days, sobbing uncontrollably. Only Sleepy could get any sleep for weeks on end. Once the electroschock treatments failed and the lobotomy scar healed, we started him on Depakote. The drug worked wonders leveling out his moods. It's enabled Manic to sign a long-term deal, reunite with his long-time lover Dale, and become a productive, if highly unimaginative member of our group.

Once I tell you that Doc was neither a medical doctor, a Ph.D., or a genius, you'll understand why he was committed for much of his life. When I think back to the early years and those weekly pelvic exams, I just want to cry. Look at those wiggly fingers! Now that we've optimized his dose of Risperdal, we've renamed him Schizzy, and we no longer have to deal with piles of woodland corpses on the porch every morning.

While we enjoyed all the free meat on cold winter nights, Bambi was starting to complain. Schizzy shakes a bit now, but he's got a heart of gold, rather than an actual heart on a gold chain around his neck!

Dopey no more, thanks to the good people at Shire Pharmaceuticals and Adderall. I was sure I'd spend the rest of my life embroidering his name on every shirt, but now he's working toward his GED and actually helps the others count their morning pills! We've renamed him Addy, after the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) that prevented him from focusing on diamonds, learning scripts, and protecting his ass in the shower. Sure, Adderall is just a mixture of amphetamines, but he and Narcky are up all night working on new projects for our production company.

And what about me? Prince Charming and I tried to make it work but I realized that I was happier with the dwarves. Thanks to the wonderful world of today's magical pharmaceuticals, my life is like a Disney movie!

A short note about cartoon character bits. Everytime I do a bit about cartoon characters, I start getting lots of visitors from search engines looking for "cartoon porn, Judy Jetson naked, or Charlie Brown and Linus teabagging." Its a great source of traffic. Of course when they get here, everyone is pretty disappointed. As a prophylatic measure (prophylatic will be good for a few hits), here's an image that may qualify as Snow White porn.

Enjoy!