Friday, September 30, 2011

My Dick Discusses The Debt

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Saturday night I tried to see Moneyball but it was sold out so I went to see The Debt. This made my dick very happy. While my dick likes Brad Pitt, it turns out that it really, really likes the redhead in The Debt, Jessica Chastain. Not only is she gorgeous and sexy and skilled in the martial arts-- she also kills Nazis which was a huge, unexpected turn on.

I wanted to be the guy that impregnates her then lies in bed with her naked for nine months feeding her my homemade rugulach (which is really easy to make in a food processor but really impresses hot Jewish chicks).

This movie takes place in Berlin in 1966 and Israeli in 1999. Young Rachel is played by Jessica the smoking hot redhead of my dreams. Old Rachel is played by Helen Mirren. This was easily understood. There was only one female Jew in Berlin in 1966 and she had a large, hideous scar on her right cheek. When Helen Mirren shows up with a large, hideous scar on her right cheek, my dick had no problem figuring out who she was. Unfortunately, my dick is not the smartest organ in my body despite the fact that I have often been been accused of thinking with it.

In 1966, there are two male Jews that want to capture a Nazi and bang the hot redhead of my dreams. One is a square-faced, pale-skinned, Irish looking Jew and the other guy is a long, thin-faced, swarthy looking Jew with thick black hair. Both handsome, both Jewish, but they couldn't look less alike. Polar opposites.

In 1999, there are two old male Jews that are interacting with Old Rachel. One is square-faced, pale-skinned and Irish looking and the other is... just guess, I'm not typing all that out again.

Except that they switched. Somehow, thirty years later the Irish guy went swarthy and the swarthy guy went pale. What the fuck!?!

Worst casting ever!!! Why would you painstakingly recreate Cold War Berlin then cast the exact wrong actors in the corresponding roles!?!

I thought that the loss of blood from my brain during all the gynecological scenes may have left me confused so I asked the guy next to me. He was just as befuddled. IMDB confirmed it.

Stupid movie. However, the next time I go to the Carnegie Deli I'm ordering a Rachel sandwich, hold the meat. I'll supply the pastrami, dankeschön.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Cut Off by a Lover of Jesus

Warning! The following post is a rant. It contains lots of f-words and is not funny.

This morning I was cut-off by an asshole with a Jesus fish on his car. I'm not talking about a slight, sorry but I didn't see you cut-off. I'm talking about a narrowly escaped a five car pileup I had to slam on my brakes so hard that now I'm going to have to replace them six months earlier kind of cut off.

Where the fuck does a good Christian have to go so badly at 5:40 AM that he's willing to risk my life?

Because if Jesus was driving that fucking Toyota minivan on the New York State Thruway at 5 fucking 40 in the morning, I think he may have used his left hand turn signal and waited for an appropriate time to change lanes-- regardless of his urgency. But what do I know? I'm not a fucking Born Again Christian.

Just in case I missed the subtle Jesus Fish, Mr. Turn the Other Cheek While I Ram my Toyota Sienna Up Your Ass had a hot pink bumper sticker proclaiming his love for Jesus for all the world to see. Thanks a lot Dickhead! Now, I know who to hate.

I'm glad you love Jesus. You know what I love? I love masturbating.

i love masturbating

But I don't slap a fucking bumper sticker on the back of my car so I can feel better than you.

Look, God knows that I rarely honored my mother and father, I often covet my neighbor's wife and I love to take the Lord's name in vain -- but you know what I don't do? I don't risk another person's life because I'm late for fucking church.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman

That's me and my first wife Sarah Silverman entertaining the neighbors and their kids.

I like to think that in an alternate universe I'm married to Sarah Silverman...

...and it's 1967.
...and she likes to pee on me.
...and we're thinking about swinging with the neighbor sitting all the way on the left.
...and in two years I'm going to buy season tickets at Shea Stadium.

Strangely, I look about as happy in my alternate universe as I do in my real universe...

...and my hair looks worse.

I stole this photo from Retropace. Go visit, there's lots of great stuff!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

More Yankee Hate

jesus christ montero can hitJohn Sterling the despicable, unlistenable, makes Phil Rizutto sound like Vince Scully-able, radio announcer for the Yankees makes these personalized homerun calls that suck.

Some examples:

Nick Swisher - He's swishilicious (kid you not)
Curtis Granderson - The Grandy Man can! THE Grandy Man can!

and the alltime worse...

Jason Giambi - The Giambino! This is proof that 1.) there is no God (because if there was, He would allow Babe Ruth to rise from his grave and rip John Sterling into a hundred little pieces) and that 2.) all Yankee fans are idiots.

So, the Yankees have this new guy whose even better than Joba Chamberlain (remember him?) and almost as fat, Jesus Montero.

Sterling needs to come up with a personalized home run call because the guy is going to hit 61 homeruns in September.

john sterling sucks steinbrenner dickI sent Sterling a tweet and suggested:

"It is high, it is far, it is gone. Another homerun for Jesus! Christ, that sonofabitch can hit!"

He went with:

"Hey Zeus, is loose."

The Yankees suck on so many levels.

I've been a Yankee hater ever since they dissed Hank Greenberg. Here's some proof:
What Does Andy Pettitte Do Behind His Glove?
The George Steinbrenner Plaque is SO BIG...
Derek Cheater! So help me, Jeter
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - A Tampa Bellhop Remembers The Boss
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - It Happened in an Elevator
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Derek Jeter, Gulf Coast League Rookie
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin and a Cow
George Steinbrenner - May You Burn in Hell...
A-Rod the Centaur Part 2
Alex Rodriguez the Centaur
Derek Jesus Christ for MVP
Yankee Memorabilia for Sale
Our Baseball God is an Ironic God: Joba the Slut Pitches on Mother's Day

There's more but my mouse hand got tired.