This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 10/31/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Rock legend Lou Reed dead at 71: Music fans in mourning after The Velvet Underground founder and American icon passes away
My comment: Lou Reed was a genius back when a hairy chest and man boobs were sexy.  Heroin has gotten a bad rap.  It's pretty cool if you know what you're doing.

'Twerking would be meaningless without a bum!' Emily Hartridge demonstrates 'ten reasons why bottoms are awesome'
My comment:  Twerking would be meaningless without a bum, therefore Miley Cyrus is meaningless -- A. Einstein 

A lot of you youngsters think Miley Cyrus inventing twerking and that makes a lot of you youngsters wrong. Twerking has been around a long time and was culturally appropriated by Miley. 

Here's a rare photo from pre-war Berlin showing Albert Einstein twerking while sticking out his tongue. "Reparations! I want reparations!" -- A Einstein and a lot of other twerking Krauts. 

'The first thing I did was look at my vagina in the mirror, and it looks better than before.' Kim Kardashian claims 'childbirth is the easiest thing ever.'
My comment:  Of course childbirth was the easiest thing ever when you have a gaping chasm of a vagina.  You didn't feel a thing?  That's what Kayne says.  I'm sure a baby isn't the biggest thing that has passed through that portal of publicity.

Wow. Too many words to be accepted or to be funny.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

The end of an era: Dina Eastwood files divorce papers to officially dissolve 17-year marriage to husband Clint Eastwood
My comment: Clint has fathered seven children with five different women? He should play in the NBA!  Rating ▲4

Sadly, good NBA jokes are lost on the Brits.

Tori Spelling reveals money troubles are so bad that her husband Dean can't even afford a VASECTOMY
My comment:  Her shoes in the 1st photo cost more than a vasectomy. Fact.  Rating ▲409

When I wrote it, I knew it would go green.  I also had no idea how much those shoes cost.  But for you, dear reader, I did some extensive research on the internet that took 5 minutes and found out those shoes cost $549.

Then I asked my guy and he says you can get a pretty good vasectomy for $350 cash but with Obamacare?  Covered.  So, for a $10 co-pay you can be shooting blanks.  Sweet.   I'm thinking of going in for a booster cut in preparation for a long winter of snuggling and snogging.

Tori: I know that you want to get a vasectomy so that our lovemaking can be more intimate but these shoes are so darling.

Dean (to himself): Damn, I guess I'll have to keep praying for crop failure after sowing my wild oats.

Millionaire's daughter is forced to apologise to villagers after throwing all-night 18th birthday party at family's stately home in Devon which could be heard THREE MILES away
My comment:  In the US, a millionaire's daughter never has to apologize -- she just gets her own reality TV show.  Rating ▲17

Pregnant Kendra Wilkinson accused of meeting up with ex-boyfriend NFL hunk Shawne Merriman behind husband Hank Baskett's back
My comment:  Good for Kendra! Maybe hubby does not appreciate her. Hooking up with pregnant women is always the best. They are gorgeous and full of raging hormones. Rating ▼15

Thank God nobody likes a pregnant chick that fucks around (except me).  This was my greenest week ever.  Remember I'm trying to get red arrows.  I suck worse than Kim Kardashian with a mouthful of broken glass.

The Week in Alba - 10/28/13

My weekly recap of The Daily Mail's obsession with Jessica Alba.

Here are this week's scintillating scotoma of Jessica Alba articles:
Oct 21: Jessica Alba pops into her Santa Monica office with her bra on display
Oct 24: Make-up free Jessica Alba carries green juice and tea
Oct. 24: Jessica Alba blends masculine styling with on trendy accessories
Oct. 25: Jessica Alba stuns at fashion event in Los Angeles
Oct. 25: Jessica Alba wows in white flirty dress with silver and nude stilettos for fashion event honoring the best dressed celebs
Oct. 26: Trendsetter Jessica Alba is joined by similarly-dressed gal pals
Oct. 27: Jessica Alba heads to party armed with gift-wrapped diaper cake

Another seven articles this week as Jessica spends time out in public without her daughters.  I have a question.  If I invited Jessica Alba to my birthday party, do you think she would show up with a gift-wrapped diaper cake?

Because I would really like to get one of those cakes for my birthday and I would really, really like to pose for a photo with Jessica and a diaper cake.  I'm going to invite her, maybe she's a fan.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 10/24/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Robert Pattinson puts Twilight love nest once shared with Kristen Stewart on the market for $6.75m
My comment: I wonder if it still smells like skank. Sometimes tomato juice can help.

Schoolboy, six, nearly chokes to death in Waitrose on boiled orange sweet given to him by a member of staff
My comment: This kid is too much of a mommy's boy to eat a piece of candy?  When I was his age, I took candy from strangers all the time and always managed to swallow.

Hush-a-bye baby: Hilaria Baldwin soothes her precious Carmen while husband Alec gets chatty on the phone
My comment: Hilaria is a hilarious name. Sorry, had to be said.  And Alec, those are the ugliest socks I have ever seen.

George is a treat, says Archbishop: Welby praises newborn Prince ahead of tomorrow's christening at the Chapel Royal
My comment: In the US, when an Archbishop calls a little boy a treat, the Cardinal starts a pedophile coverup -- but we're Catholics over here.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are engaged after rapper proposes on her birthday
My comment: Nice bling. Kayne loves Kim 14.5 carats more than my dad loves my mum.  Rating ▲1

Is IMF Director Christine Lagarde attempting to win public favor with new feminine image?
My comment:  Yummy! Christine is looking good! She can stimulate my economy anyday.   Rating ▼6

How Prince George is settling into his royal home (as imagined by Alison Jackson)
My Comment:  Can she photoshop me in the bath with Kate? I'd pay a couple of quid for that.  Rating ▲15

Apparently, I don't have to pay, I can just photoshop it myself.

You didn't really expect me to be in the bath with a naked Kate Middleton and a baby! The baby would get in the way of all the fun. I've been told by several lovers that my penis tastes like rich, white chocolate carefully painted with edible dye.

The Week in Alba - 10/21/13

My weekly recap of The Daily Mail's obsession with Jessica Alba.

Here are this week's scintillating scotoma of Jessica Alba articles:

Oct. 11: Jessica Alba teams elegant felt boater hat and duffle coat
Oct. 12: Jessica Alba's daughter wears an adorable Beauty And The Beast costume
Oct. 12: Jessica Alba steps out in rabbit print top and mock-croc boots
Oct. 13: Jessica Alba takes her five-year-old daughter for second day of Halloween fun
Oct. 15: Lost her first tooth! Jessica Alba the proud mother
Oct. 17: Where are my shades, mom? Jessica Alba's little lady squints during sunny stroll
Oct. 20: Jessica Alba's daughter finds her perfect mini pumpkin

It's a 7-Eleven week for Jessica Alba in The Daily Mail, seven articles down from last week's eleven. It appears that Halloween is a big deal at the Alba house but Jessie wearing slutty costumes is probably not a treat that is likely to happen.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 10/18/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Who wore it better? Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Hudson sport identical figure-hugging dresses on the same day
My comment: Does Kim's dress come with poles and stakes?  I vote for Jennifer.  I would lick the sweaty armpits of a woman that gorgeous!

Who hasn't walked the red carpet with unsightly pit stains?  Jennifer Hudson looks hot, sexy, beautiful and sweaty, four of my favorite attributes of a woman. I actually did vote for her instead of Cory Booker and Kim Kardashian.

The Daily Mail again revealed it's unprofessional bias towards Kim Kardashian by carefully cropping the photo! Try to look past the unbelievable amount of wrinkles, sags and folds in a dress designed to be "figure-hugging," and instead, look at that staining.

The only red carpet disaster worse than the dreaded camel toe is the dismaying dampness of vaginal leakage. But was it pee or juice? It was determined that just prior to this photo, Kim received a tweet from a fan that said she looked pretty. This resulted in both an excited pee in the panties and the inevitable orgasm.

Queen's Brian May reveals Sacha Baron Cohen was ruled too 'distracting' to play Freddie Mercury in new biopic
My Comment: Too distracting? I think Sacha Baron Cohen is wearing too many clothes to be Freddie Mercury and he may be too gay. Also, he may be too Jewish.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Dressed to thrill! Tilda Swinton ditches demure for daring as she vamps it up in androgynous outfit at Only Lovers Left Alive NYFF premiere
My comment: Children, if this woman offers you candy, run away!  Rating ▼5

A clever Narnia call back garnered a couple of reds.

Left Kanye home to babysit? Kim Kardashian has a break from motherhood to join sister Khloe and best pal Jonathan Cheban for dinner at steakhouse
My comment: I hope she only visited the salad bar. Fat, stupid and desperate for attention is no way to go through life, Kim. Unless, you want to become Honey Boo Boo's mother. Rating ▲19

It's official -- Kim Kardashian dressed in a potato sack to celebrate the end of her honeymoon with Daily Mail readers. Two months ago, if I dissed Kim, I would have gotten hundreds of red arrows.

Fearless London traffic warden places ticket on Hillary Clinton's Mercedes
My Comment: Hillary should have told the cop she was Helen Mirren and asked if he wanted to party!  Rating ▼1

Where's the Hillary hatred? This article got 10,000 comments. I think mine got lost in the sheer volume.

Tragic moment a 12-year-old boy shoots mother's friend dead while playing with a gun at a rifle range
My comment:  It's time to stop calling these tragic. When a kid kills someone accidently with a gun, it's because of stupid and careless parents.  Rating ▲76

This came as a total shock.  You know that standard verbage I use in the begining about the readers of The Daily Mail being the same as readers of the the New York Post?  Obviously, not true.

My Dick Reviews Netflix's House of Cards

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

All I want from a television show is a reason to pump my corpus cavernosum full of blood, I don't have to like any of the characters -- and I don't.  When it comes to pumpage, House of Cards delivers like an ace in the hole.

But first you have to get past Robin Wright.  I don't think I've seen her since Forest Gump. WhatTheFuckHappened?

When did she go from the Princess Bride to the Scary Queen of Icy Stares?

Who am I kidding, when did she get a sex change?

Phoebe Cates, when she was 22, could pull off that hairdo -- and she pulled off some other things and I pulled off quite a bit, too.

But when you're old and wrinkled, that hairdo is a challenge.  When Robin Wright's character stares at you, you wither and shrivel up like the Wicked Witch's feet when Dorothy's house landed on her.

After watching the first couple of episodes, I felt compelled to go home to my mom's house. Get the photo of Anna Kendrick that I took back in 2009 at Comic Con and rub one out old skool into a sock.

As I flipped the sock to the floor, where my mom would some day collect it and throw it in the laundry, I realized why Up in the Air was not nearly as good as House of Cards.

Which brings us to Kate Mara.  When we first meet her hardworking, new breed of journalist, she's unimpressive, and she actually has a job on a real newspaper which is surprising.

A hoodie and a pair of comfortable shoes might get George Zimmerman's blood flowing but not mine.

Then you start to notice little nuances about her.

And Kevin Spacey starts to notice things, too.

And then you realize that this girl will do anything for a story, kind of like Bill O'Reilly

And finally, in the greatest piece of acting Kevin Spacey has ever crafted, the old man eats her pussy while she's talking to her dad on the phone.

This is what is called a writer's fantasy.  An old, wrinkled guy that looks soft and plump goes down on a really hot, young babe and gives her the best orgasm of her life --  forever making the young woman grateful and head over heels in love with the old guy.  My corpus cavernoii are still aching from the change in pressure.

And now you know why Up in the Air will never be as good as House of Cards.  George Clooney never went down on Anna Kendrick and never gave her a life-altering orgasm.  He could have. Poor Anna was all vunerable and horny.  Instead, he falls in love with the Robin Wright character and has his heart broken which I never bought into, not for one frickin moment.

So, on the standard Anna Kendrick Getting her Pussy Eaten Scale where 1 is Anna does not get her pussy eaten and 5 is me eating her pussy and forever changing her life and making her fall in love with me, I give House of Cards 2.5 Anna Kendricks.

Phoebe Cates photo stolen from Enzo & Anna's Hair World.

Other articles by my dick:

My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments 10/10/13

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Khloe Kardashian 'scared divorce will make husband Lamar Odom OD or commit suicide'
My comment: If Lamar kills himself, it would be a "very special" Keeping Up With the Kardashians and ratings would be great!  There must be a lot of pressure on him to do the right thing.

Sylvie van der Vaart shows off her bronzed body in a monochrome bikini as she hits the beach with son
My comment: If my mum looked like that, I'd have had a "hard" childhood! Stunning!

Selena Gomez displays her lean limbs as she pumps petrol
My comment: Is "pumping petrol" British talk for rubbing one out?  Selena's a right scrummy bit of crumpet.  She can pump the petrol from my John Thomas anytime!

While it helps to add a tight smidgen of British pishposh to your comments, dropping a major load indiscriminately will identify you as a poser and get your comment rejected immediately.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Detroit Lions player under fire for yelling slurs at marching band during game
My comment: In the U.S., football players are gods. And white football players are like Jesus Christ and Princess Diana rolled into one. NOTHING will happen to this guy.  Rating ▼14

News Update: I was right. Dominic Raiola kinda, sorta, really didn't when you think about what he actually said, apologized, and the NFL and the Detroit Lions looked the other way.

Earl of Cardigan, who is on benefits, faces loss of £10m estate
My comment: Can I be the Earl of Turtleneck?  Rating ▲3

Apparently, I can.  That's my honey, the Dutchess of Pleather Vests.

Keeping up with her social life! Khloe Kardashian hosts a Hollywood party at a club and goes late-night bowling with The Game
My Comment: Looks like you don't have to be a basketball player to bed Khloe, you just have to wear the shirt. That girl is too easy. Some advice, respect yourself and then your husband will respect you.    Rating ▲19

Has American Apparel gone too far? Shoppers attack 'vile' and 'disturbing' T-shirt showing menstruation
My comment: Seriously, I've worn the shirt on the right to clubs (I'm a guy) and the chicks love it. A real conversation starter and an express ticket to the Old In and Out! Rating ▼6

Kris and Bruce Jenner confirm they have separated after 22 years of marriage... and kept 'split a secret for one year'
My comment: I wonder who will get to keep his balls after the divorce? I meant his golf balls. No I didn't. Rating ▲19

I knew if this comment got through I'd get nothing but green but I couldn't resist. Poor Bruce Jenner (not monetarily poor, just pathetic pussy/wimp/poor).  I know, I know, too obvious. But then, while watching an old Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I noticed something up on a shelf.

Could it be?  Yes, it could.

Bruce Jenner's missing balls.

I apologize for the fuzziness of the image.  It was a screen capture and needed a lot of magnification. Maybe I should fire up the photoshop and try to improve the magnification.

Bruce Jenner's missing balls.

I really thought Cyndy Garvey got custody of the little guys after Bruce's first divorce.