This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 2/28/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

How girl ELEVEN grabbed gun and shot dead cougar that was stalking her brother
My Comment:  Did they eat the cougar after they killed it?  I had to eat Kris Jenner last summer and it tasted terrible.

And I'm still picking the gray pubes out of my teeth.  And the girl's name is not Malachi, but it should be.

Rob Kardashian 'may undergo stomach stapling surgery to meet Kris Jenner's weight loss deadline'
My Comment:  That's totally normal.  In my family, we never let the fat or ugly members ever ruin a family photo, especially a wedding photo.  If Khloe married into my family, you would never see her again.

George Zimmerman’s girlfriend showed police a photo of marks on her neck after he choked her
My Comment: Is George Zimmerman gonna have to choke a bitch?  Sad thing is, Zimmerman would probably shoot Wayne Brady for looking suspicious. He would definitely shoot Dave Chapelle.

 

Censored! Bethenny Frankel's modesty preserved with a digital disco ball as she reveals more than she bargained for while dancing in mini dress
My Comment: Do they give the audience vomit bags or do they just cover the first few rows with plastic for their own protection.

Given that face and that pussy, how many Q-Tips do you think Bethenny Frankel goes through in a day?

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Have Katy and John split? Perry 'ended her relationship with Mayer in the last few days'
My Comment:   If I was a woman, and found myself in the same room as John Mayer, I would grab my nether region and get the heck out of there. He is bad news and irresistible, like a moth to a flamethrower.  Rating ▲128

It's official, rightwing nutjobs and lefty pantywaists all hate John Mayer.

Chinese couple don't let smog ruin their wedding day... and happily pose for photos wearing GAS MASKS
My Comment: If Rob Kardashian wears a gas mask and one of Kim's ginormous, fat-hiding coats, maybe his mom will let him go to the wedding.  Rating ▲6

Yay, a call back.  If I was Rob's lawyer, I would argue that if Khloe gets to go to the wedding so should Rob.  They are both ugly.

My Dick Reviews American Hustle

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Disclaimer and Warning: Read this after you've seen it. Contains spoilers and an image of a penis. Since I am a dick and I've shown a whole lot of female anatomy, it was time to pull a Heckerling.

I have very mixed feelings about American Hustle.  On one hand I really, really enjoyed watching Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams, on the other hand it really, really bums me out that I wasn't a penis in 1978.

If you were a penis in 1978, all you had to be attached to in order to bang Jennifer Lawrence AND Amy Adams was a guy like Burt.

Wow, that was considered hunky in 1978.  No workouts, dieting or running.  No Brazilian waxing, steroids or that special genetic miracle that results in a truly, good-looking human being.  Grooming? Honestly, it's hard to tell where the bear rug ends and the Burt Reynolds' bare rug begins.

An extremely annotated list of Burt's sexual conquests boggles my balls.  Here's the Mount Rushmore of Burt Reynolds Chicks.

In American Hustle, Christian Bale plays a guy that is trying to look like Burt Reynolds.

He's a fat, marginally successful but sleazy, Burt Reynolds lookalike.  Desirable babes can't resist him.  Remember, in 1978 Ron Jeremy was James Deen.

Your mom's little red Corvette got humming thanks to the stud on the left.  Boggled yet?


Now for the two best parts of American Hustle.

If Amy Adams sat on my desk wearing that dress, I would gladly hand over a check for $5,000. If she were my girlfriend, I would leave my wife.  If she only wanted to be my mistress, I would marry the FBI cat lady to make it so.

Jennifer Lawrence was almost as hot.  She had more curves and wiggles than Marilyn Monroe.  I wouldn't marry her but I would spend an incredible weekend in Atlantic City with her, using an assumed name.

When she kisses Amy Adams, I looked like an Oscar.  After watching Amy's facial reaction to the kiss, I looked like one of those 25-foot tall Oscar statues that decorate the stage.

So, on the standard Ohio Players album cover scale* where 1 cover is me dating Dinah Shore and 5 covers is me dating Amy Adams, Adrienne Barbeau and Loni Anderson all at once, I give American Hustle three and a half covers. 

* When I was a prepubescent pudpuller, I used to take home Ohio Players albums from the library but never actually listened to them.  A babysitter once caught me in bed with a folded out Ohio Players Honey album cover. She told me disco sucked but never told my mom.  

Other articles by my dick:

My Dick Reviews The Hobbit 2
My Dick Reviews House of Cards
My Dick Reviews Orange is the New Black
My Dick Reviews the Hobbit
My Dick Discusses The Debt
My Dick Discusses the Winter Olympics
My Dick Discusses Avatar 3D
My Dick Explains Why the Blind Side is So Popular
My Dick's Thoughts on Patrick Swayze's Passing

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 2/20/14

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Michael Sam's father was shocked but proud
My Comment:  Michael Sam "could become the first openly sexual homosexual NRL player."   What the heck does this mean?  Will he be performing sexual acts during rugby games?

I can understand the Daily Mail's confusion.  Sometimes rugby looks like the only sport where everybody wants to be on the bottom of the pile.

Chris Christie's lap-band surgery branded a 'success'
My Comment: Now he can fit into a XXXL pair of pants and a prison cell.

Shocking video shows Baltimore Ravens star Ray Rice 'dragging his unconscious girlfriend out of an Atlantic City casino elevator'
My Comment:   In the NFL, it's just another 3 yard carry for Ray Rice.  Nothing will happen to him.  Two of his teammates have already been found guilty of domestic abuse.  It's all good in the NFL, unless you're gay.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

The mane attraction: Bruce Jenner, 64, debuts thick, volumnised bouffant just hours after showing off new daring dip-dye
My Comment:  It's nice to see Bruce getting in touch with his feminine side. More men should embrace it!    Rating ▼1

A pair of losers with no balls, Shaun White and Bruce Jenner.  Bruce may be getting in touch with his inner White.

All puffed out? Khloe Kardashian spotted smoking on the dance floor before exiting club with The Game looking worse for wear
My Comment:   Khloe looking worse for wear? That girl gets worn more often than a pair of rented bowling shoes. A spray of deodorant then who's next? Lamar deserves better!    Rating ▲20

It's a time warp: Matt LeBlanc continues his turn into a silver fox while Kevin Spacey doesn't seem to have aged a day
My Comment:   Silver fox? More like a silver refrigerator box. Matt looks like an extra from an old Sopranos episode.  Rating ▼3

Has Kim had fat injected into her bottom? Kardashian's increasingly shapely rear sparks rumours of a surgical boost
My Comment:  If you look at her photos it's obvious that Kim has had fat injected into her bottom the old-fashioned way, by eating too much. The girl is FATTER than she was 6 years ago! Rating ▲3

Kim Kardashian - "The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing."

Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet

Apparently, as a teen,  I was never happier than when I had a 40-year old white man between my legs.

But Mr. Werbitsky is not why I joined the Poetry Club.  I joined the Poetry Club to get girls.

Candy is dandy but if you lick her it's quicker (my apologizes to Ogden Nash) might be true -- and Lord knows I was willing to lick her as long as it took to dick her.  But in 11th Grade, I was having considerable trouble getting all the way to the buffet table.

To carnally get to know a B

Have a go at poetry.  --Melonosky

That gem appeared in the extravagantly bound publication Perspeculum.

As any school boy knows, perspectum is the Latin nominative neuter singular of perspectus. Perspeculum is a word I invented and snuck on to the cover art.  Did I mention that I was once offered an editor job at National Lampoon?

I know what you're thinking, am I ever going to tell you if writing poetry in high school got me laid.  Take a look at that photo again. Competition was scarce. There were only three guys in the club.  The guy to the right of me was called The Stork.  Everybody thought The Stork was brain damaged.   And he was.  The guy on the left of me was named  Christopher DeRosa.  Chris was a great poet but the girls never got to know it.

I eventually completed a boxed trifecta, from left to right, long-legged Linda LaGuardia,  well-endowed Theresa Claudio, and  perky Mary SomethingNotItalian.

If you ever hope to get them home

Write the pretty girls a poem.  --Melonosky 

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 2/7/14

Another Post Courtesy of the Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the Daily Mail Online. Now there's another reason to visit the Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

A frail Bruce Jenner leaves a clinic with a bandaged throat after 'undergoing surgery to decrease Adam's Apple'
My Comment:  If I was Bruce, I would have gotten bigger implants.  Maybe a nice C-cup or something even bigger like Kim, Khloe and Kourtney.

Christie Brinkley and Sports Illustrated models strip to bikinis for Air New Zealand's in-flight safety video
My Comment:  How will I be able to fasten my seat belt after Christie "raises" my interest in air safety?  Ouch.

Man with a 14 inch TAIL is worshipped as a reincarnation of an Indian monkey god
My Comment:  The Indians have always been an accepting and tolerant people, willing to caste off their differences and embrace everyone without prejudice.

I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Popes! Francis is presented with a chocolate statue of himself at the Vatican
My Comment:  Think of all the little boys that can be rewarded with that candy!

Darn it, not subtle enough.  I should have gone with:

Wouldn't be the first time a little boy licked a pope, or
Pontiff, is that a Nestle's bar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? or
They probably should have used white chocolate.

New, available at the Vatican Gift Shop, for that special altar boy in your life.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Kanye West 'confronts Anna Wintour' for picking Lena Dunham over Kim Kardashian' for Vogue cover
My Comment:  Lena Durham is a writer, director and actress. Kim Kardashian has sex with famous men.   Even somebody as dumb as Kayne should be able to figure this out.  Rating ▲97

BTW, that's a photo of Kayne posing with my grandmother's couch.

Why does nobody want to adopt the dog with two noses?
My Comment: Because he's got twice the smell? Thank you and good night New Jersey!  Rating ▲5

BTW, Snuffles has two noses like Joaquin Phoenix has two mouths. It's just a cleft, Daily Mail.

Nice future headline: Joaquin Phoenix Adopts Dog with Two Noses.