My Dick Reviews Game of Thrones: High Sparrow

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

When in Westeros and points east, can you ever visit too many brothels? No. Throw in a naked queen under 40 and you've got a pretty solid episode. Let's get to it.

Margaery Tyrell

What boy/teen/man/king/maester/black guard/sand snake wouldn't want to switch places with The Kitty Kat King. Actually, the king stuff Tommen can red keep. Every king in this kingdom ends up dead before the season's over. I just want to set a Guinness World Record in bed, with Margaery Tyrell, I don't care how conniving and clever she is. I'd have my mother boxed up and sent off to Casterly Rock before the sheets dry. And my mother's nice.

Cersi Lannister

Cersi Lannister stinky funny High Sparrow

Cersi Lannister is one of those rare women that is so repulsive on the inside, that no manner of outside can overcome the deficit. I'm not talking stuck on a deserted island repulsive. I'm talking a personality so foul that even a quickie next to the corpse of her close relative is out of the question.

When Cersi glares at the camera, my mighty sword goes from Valyrian steel to one of Bran's legs faster than a Tyrion quip.

Stop me, please. I'm on a roll.

What I'm saying I guess is," I wouldn't fuck Cersi Lannister with Brienne of Tarth's dick" (apologies and respect to Jeffrey Ross and Bea Arthur).

Quick PC Note: Like only two years ago that would have been funny without a cringe. Now, with various gay bashing and feminist bashing and fat shaming, it's still funny but a little cringey. What if I write:

I wouldn't fuck Cersi Lannister with Theon Greyjoy's dick. You know, the one in the box. It probably reeks by now. Better? Good, we'll go with it.

I've never fucked a dowager and I'm not gonna start with Cersi. I'd give prune face from Downton Abbey a go first.

Littlefinger's Christmas Spectacular

Littlefinger's Christmas Brothel Spectacular naked seven

We get to see a "Living Manger" of prostitutes representing the Seven Gods of Westeros.

Why didn't I become a hedge fund manager?

Now, I know what happens in a high end Wall Street brothel. "I'll have the Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene, Balthazar and a couple of those sheep." Then, after I drop my derivatives time bomb all over their assets, the rockettes come out and dance in celebration, of me.

You know how your mama always told you not to talk to strangers?

Littlefinger Brothel The Stranger prostitute naked

That's why you never listen to your mama.

Littlefinger brothel the seven prostitutes funny

So who would I choose if I was a high Septon or hedge fund manager? The Father and The Warrior are not my cup of mead, not that there's anything wrong with a warrior now and again. The Smith is looking good, The Maiden is a no-brainer and I can't tell the difference between The Mother and The Crone so I'll take both. I prefer a face on my trollop for pay so I'll pass on The Stranger.

Sansa

Finally, some good news on Game Of Thrones. Sansa gets to marry Ramsay Snow. Truly, a match made in heaven or The Eyrie, which is close enough. I hate Sansa. She's an ignorant, sniveling, wimp. If you look closely, she's bigger than Littlefinger. I know she can take him in an arm wrestle. She could have easily killed him about a 1000 different ways since he "saved" her from Joffrey.

And I'm not digging her goth look.

Volantis Brothel and Some Musing on Dany

When at a brothel in Volantis does one pay the extra coinage for the Dany lookalike or does one pay standard fare for an inviting diversion that looks like a meatier version of Shae.

Personally, I'm going with Shae-lite. Like Tyrion, I prefer my hookers cynical and grounded and brunette.

Also, I'm fairly convinced that I have a shot at the real Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, future wife of Bob and Mother of Dragons.

Her first husband was an okay provider but a little rough around the edges. And in bed? I moved on from horsey position in high school.

Her current guy is underwhelming in every way. He looks like a country singer in the lounge of a Ramada Inn, in Altoona, Pennsylvania, on a Wednesday night. He belongs with the cosplayer at the Volantis brothel.

Little naked chicks on the pommels of your swords? That's not only classless and clueless, it's middle school classless and clueless. Give me five minutes and Dany's making moon eyes at me. I just need to worm my way into her inner circle.

And advice? Killing a guy for killing a guy before he has a fair trial, before he has a fair trial? Public Relations 101. Not a good idea. Put everyone in a courtroom for a couple of months with a bunch of lawyers droning on, and on, and on, about due process and those freed slaves will be calling for the guy's head just to put everybody out of their misery.

I'd be good for Dany in bed and in the throne room.

So, on the standard Dany Eating a Horse Heart scale where 1 is me taking selfies with a Dany cosplayer at the DemiCon in Des Moines, Iowa and 5 is me spending her hiatus in the Caribbean with Emilia Clarke and a blonde wig, I give Game of Thrones: High Sparrow three and half Danys Eating a Horse Heart.