Kim Kardashian at MOMA

Saturday was cold and rainy, so like every other lumberjacksexual in NYC,  I went to see the Henri Matisse Cut Out Exhibit at MOMA.

To kill more time before the Florida State game, I wandered through the permanent collection to admire the incredible amount of beautiful women that are always in these museums.

That's when I found a Kim Kardashian painted by none other than Pablo Picasso.   Google informed me that Kayne commissioned the work but rejected it because Kim's boobs looked way too small.


Some Notes on Henri Matisse Cut Outs

I always say that there is nothing like a good Matisse and these cut outs were nothing like a good Matisse.  When you first look at the exhibit hall you're like whoa, "I hope they're selling shower curtains in the gift shop.  These eye-catching colors will brighten up my dark, dingy bathroom."

Then you look closer.

Look at the thumbtacks!  The old Frenchie painted them over to fool us but those are definitely thumbtacks.  Henri was really mailing it in towards the end of his life.

If I was Matisse, and I was making a masterpiece out of construction paper, I would go to the trouble of making little loops of scotch tape and attaching them to the back of the cut outs so that you couldn't see them in the final product. 

Art snobs are laughing at my ignorance right now because they know that Matisse didn't actually attach the little cutouts himself.  He had a bevy of comely female assistants do the hard work.  He sat in his chair and had this long bamboo stick that he used to hit his assistants with when they worked too slow.  He also used the stick to point to the place he wanted stuff to go.

If I was Matisse, I would have also used that stick to point out where the little loops of Scotch Tape should go.

Sadly,  I walked off into the rain back to my apartment without a new shower curtain and without a hot, sexy art lover.

And Florida State, with their roster full of rapists and felons, won their game, again.


Other Artsy-Fartsy Posts 

The Louve or An American Asshole in Paris
How to Draw John Bolton in a Suit
Monet, Picasso and Burton: I Play Hookey From Work at the Museum of Modern Art
The Last Staff Meeting
I Peed the Mona Lisa

Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos

That's me on the right.

I worked all year on the yearbook committee just so I could sneak funny stuff into it the night before we went to the printers.   Day after day, hour after hour, I slowly earned the trust of Mr. Rabinowitz. Until, pow!  Right in the kisser!

There I am sitting next to Rabby for the Yearbook Committee photo. A fortuitous benefit of my evil and hilarious plan was the incredible horniness of those nerdy babes.  I made out with Lisa Levine and Angela Garafallo in the school darkroom.  I also completed an extremely rare (especially in those days!) Hauppage Humbucker with Vicky Bellami while printing out contact sheets in that same darkroom.

All these years later, the smell of fixer still causes an 8" x 10" enlargement of my telephoto lens.  Hey Vicky, if you ever read this, hit me up on facebook.  I  keep a bottle of fixer in my nightstand.

My Dick Reviews The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

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This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 12/1/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

The secret of how size two Food Network chef Giada de Laurentiis stays so slim: She 'spits her own food into a bucket while filming' 
My Comment:  Why would she go through all that effort if she's not going to swallow the delicious results?  Spitting is for quitters.

I always figured Giada was a swallower.   She's still my 2nd most favorite hot celebrity chef that I want to marry.

Kendra Wilkinson's father urges the I’m A Celebrity star to take back her estranged husband Hank Baskett
My Comment:  Once your husband has had a taste of the "D,"  he will never be satisfied by just a woman.  Kendra leave him forever and find a new husband that will improve TV ratings.  Gary Busey would be money in the bank!

Stunning model, 19, posts morning selfie from 37-year-old Robin Thicke's bed as he moves on from marriage split
My Comment:  Her mother must be very proud.  How many STDs do you think Robin gave her as a parting gift?


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Peter Dinklage takes to the streets of NYC on a scooter during family outing... and daughter Zelig's got one too
My Comment:  Peter looks taller on TV.  Rating ▼1

This bit is so easy that sometimes I get paranoid that The Daily Mail has blocked me.  I hadn't gotten a comment through in a couple of weeks so I pitched this softball.  Pheuw.   

Rudy Giuliani wants to focus on 'black-on-black' crime not police brutality 
My Comment:   I live in NYC. Before 9/11, Rudolph Giuliani was the most disliked mayor in the history of the City. He is a hate-filled, fearful little person.  Rating ▼223

Rudy can't fail!  Rudy can't fail! I've gone weeks without getting any red down arrows which is the point of these stupid bits.  Thanks Rudy!

If you don't recognize the man Rudolph Giuliani is french kissing then you don't have any right to have an opinion on MY former mayor.   I'll give you a clue.  Rudy's boy* pleaded guilty to eight felonies and ended up working on his golf game at a Federal Prison.

Before 9/11 everybody hated Rudy including his wife (he had two girlfriends), his kids (they sided with mom) and almost every other New Yorker.  He was a bully and an elitist.   Jimmy Breslin called him "a small man in search of a balcony."

Breslin also wrote a great story about a night at Yankee Stadium when both his girlfriends (Cristyne Lategano and Judy Nathan whom he later married), his second wife (Donna Hanover who had an affair with Rudy while he was still married to his first wife) and his son were all seated in corporate boxes and all had been transported in separate police escorts.  It's good to be the mayor!

*That's Bernie Kerik!  Former Police Commissioner, former Interior Minister of Iraqi, former scumbag that took advantage of 9/11 to shack up with his mistress on the City's dime, and current convicted felon and all around low life piece of shit. 

George W. Bush Books I Writed -- Part 1

You didn't believe I wrote twenty-seven books about George W. Bush for the Alabama National Air Guard True Life Adventure Series?  I found the box.

Lt. George W. Bush in Dinner at the Officer's Club, 1996 -- A lighthearted look at the dining options available at the Officer's Club during the Vietnam era.  Lt. Bush preferred a Cornish game hen with black truffle sauce, red wine and a little head. 

Lt. George W. Bush in a Foreign Exchange Student from UA  Birmingham, 2001 -- Before the femo-democrats started painting date rape as a bad thing, Lt. Bush was quite the lady's man.

Lt. George W. Bush in A Purple Heart for a Hernia, 1994 --  A Purple Heart, three nurses and enough morphine to put a smile on his mother's face, pretty good for one long weekend.

Lt. George W. Bush in Another Dead Hooker, 2004 -- It's never the goal, and it often leaves you with a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, but acceptable levels of collateral damage are the price Bush was willing to pay in the pursuit of a really good time.

Lt. George W. Bush in George Bush Bangs the Chick from Christina's World, 1989 -- If you get this reference, you're at the wrong frickin' blog, my friend.

Lt. George W. Bush in The Battle of Hamburger Helper, 2002 --  Lt. George W. Bush and his buddies decide that those lucky bastards over in Nam shouldn't have all the fun so they stage the greatest paintball battle of all time.  Bush discovers that paint balls leave little welts so he applies for six Purple Hearts and his daddy makes sure he receives them.  James Caan joined in the fun.

Lt. George W. Bush in I Sold My Soul to the Devil to Party with Two Lesbians, 1986 -- The LGBT community called it "a sensitive portrayal."  Karl Rove called it a "slight exaggeration."

Only two parts and eighteen more books to go!

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part 15

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Man With The Mr. Potato Head Eye, 2000 --  In a post-apocalyptic London obsessed with the former Soviet Union and jockstraps, a mad scientist is building a human being from spare parts but forgets to dig up eyes.  Too lazy to go back to the graveyard, he steals an eye from his daughter's Mr. Potato Head.  Sounds stupid now but the kids thought it was the dog's bullocks.

She Always Had a Headache, or Did She?  1987 -- Mitzi Malone was the perfect wife -  she sang like Mitzi Gaynor, stared vacantly like Mitzi Kapture and didn't have an annoying kid named Paulie like Mitzi Shore.  But when Trevor wanted to consummate their marriage, she always had a headache.  Luckily, the Haitian housekeeper was always up for some action.

Lt. George W. Bush Goes Undercover 1995 -- I got to write 27 Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures and Lt. George W. Bush was the star of every single one.

Glory Days - Books I Writed Part XIV

More books from the box in my mom's attic.

Pelé vs. the Aliens with Soccer Balls for Eyes, 1995 --  Back when Pelé could sell books, he single-footedly took on a massive alien invasion.  Atomic bombs, bazookas, the common cold, would not, could not, slow them down.   Luckily, the aliens had soccer balls for eyes and Pelé was really, really good at kicking soccer balls.

A Cotton-Top Tamarin Monkey in Every Hole, 2004 --  Because everyone knows that there's nothing scarier than a tamarin monkey in a hole.   Now, imagine lots and lots of holes filled with tamarin monkeys. 

Lt. George Bush Bangs Some 'Bama Bush, 1997 -- I got to write 27 Alabama Air National Guard True Life Adventures and Lt. George W. Bush was the star of every single one.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 11/5/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

‘I am skeptical humans are causing global warming’: Buzz Aldrin says more research - and less politics - is needed
My Comment:  Buzz Aldrin is a fool. From the NASA website, 97% of Climate Scientists agree that the climate-warming trends over the past century are very likely due to human activities.

Buzz used to work for NASA.  Maybe now he works for Big Oil like the 3% of Climate Scientists that disagree.

Here's the NASA link.

Well, they do call it Silicon Valley! Kim Kardashian turns tech guru as she speaks at conference... but it's her curves that wow in tight white dress
My Comment:  If I press down on Kim's right button will I get a drop down of her panties allowing random access for my hard drive?

Computer euphemisms, more obvious than Kim's nipples. 

Linda Evangelista, 49, goes make-up free as she takes in the view from the balcony
My Comment:  That "Honey Boo Boo" show is looking for a new mom.  Linda should try out.

'My style has become sexier since becoming a mum': Kim Kardashian says revealing clothes make her feel good
My Comment:  In that first photo, the seam in her left implant looks like its about to break through the skin. Yuck!

'How long are we gonna talk about this lip thing?' Kylie Jenner hits back after critics slam her photos
My Comment:  Smother those lobes with onions and pass the salt.  Kylie's lips look like a hunk of pink, juicy liver. 

It's funny because it's true.  Look again, carefully,  one of those botoxed lips is actually calf liver.  Really. Here's the Google Image Search.

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Waist training was worth it! Kim Kardashian shows off her toned midriff in tight white dress at family get together
My Comment:  Kim's nipples have been out of control lately. It looks like they are trying to escape for a more normal life where they won't constantly be on parade.  Rating ▲5

A real life Barbie doll! Bikini-clad Tamara Ecclestone displays an INCREDIBLY toned physique as she models for poolside shoot in Ibiza
My Comment:  Barbi doesn't have cheap looking tattoos -- unless you draw them on with a Sharpie.  Rating ▲24

See, now they look like twins, except for the cellulite.

Just for the record, after extensive research on Buzz Aldrin I made a sad discovery, Belle is a trap and she's hung like a fire hose. Years of fapping for naught.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 10/24/14

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.

Rejected Comments of the Past Week

The REAL face of King Tut: Pharaoh had girlish hips, a club foot and buck teeth according to 'virtual autopsy' that also revealed his parents were brother and sister
My Comment:   King Tut looks like Prince Charles in a nappy.  Maybe they're related.

Seriously, I'll give you that Prince Charles has better hair, but the buck teeth and girlish hips?  They could be twins.

They're besties already! Kourtney and Kim Kardashian's adorable daughters Penelope and North hold hands during family outing
My Comment:  Cousins hold hands!!!  News at eleven!!!

Don't worry Stephen A. Smith, they're probably not lesbians so Jesus still loves them, for now.

Business must be good! Victoria Beckham can't keep a huge smile off her face as she chats to customers at London store
My Comment:  I did the research, the last time Victoria Beckham smiled was June 15, 1967.    She looks pretty when she smiles, almost lifelike.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

What was she thinking? Kim Kardashian dons a bizarre ensemble of knee-length cutoff jorts, open-back top and heels on date with Kanye West
My Comment:  Thinking? Kim Kardashian stopped trying to think in the 3rd grade.  Rating ▲1

Kayne, always the silly prankster, takes advantage of Kim's loss of sensitivity due to her massive implants.  Funny guy.

Ouch, sometimes funny becomes mean.  Poor Kim.

And because I know you want it, and because I care, and because I already went to the trouble of erasing the background, here's a Kim Kardashian Snow White Halloween cutout.  Guaranteed to scare the neighborhood kiddies.