Love wins!
My Jesus is very happy.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Friday, June 26, 2015
Bristol Palin Teen Abstinence Queen Pregnant Again
Bristol Palin, The Paid Princess of Teen Abstinence, is pregnant again.
Earlier this month, Bristol Palin tweeted:
How many guys in Alaska are jumping into their 4-wheel drive pickups and heading for Canada today?
Here's a rerun from back in the day.
Let's go over the definition of modest, shall we? These Shaker Sisters are my idea of modest.
Not only are these gals going to remain abstinent, so are any men that accidently gaze upon them. I'm even willing to bet big money that when these sisters get together to can pickles, not a one goes a missing. I think that's Christine O'Donnell all the way to the right.
Bristol looks less modest by comparison.
Now, if I was a total dick looking for a cheap laugh, I would slap some Candie's Foundation abstinence propaganda on that pink porno Bristol Palin photo and see how it looks.
Never let it be said that I am unwilling to go for a cheap laugh or that I'm not a total dick.
But Bristol's mom, Sarah would say that we're looking at her daughter with corrupt and evil, East Coast media ivy league bias not heartland, middle America righteous stuff. What do the good people of the prairie see when they look at this image?
Jesus Christ! Really? Damn, I am evil, I live on the East Coast and I get poison ivy all the time. I guess Bristol Palin is modest.
Wait, just one Iowa cornhusking minute! Even the most righteous Idaho Mormons have to admit that Bristol looks like she just dragged herself out of a damp bed after a good pounding. Her outfit and her after-sex hairdo is so sexy, it makes the dancer dude look straight. I don't think the good Sisters of New Lebanon would approve but my dick sure does.
Earlier this month, Bristol Palin tweeted:
How many guys in Alaska are jumping into their 4-wheel drive pickups and heading for Canada today?
Here's a rerun from back in the day.
DWTS - Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy? October 2010
Bristol Palin, Paid Teen Abstinence Advocate, is a contestant on Dancing With the Stars and is doing her darndest to stay modest. That's Bristol down there lying prone on the floor, awash in pink light, her hair artfully arranged by a team of grips and bestboys.
Let's go over the definition of modest, shall we? These Shaker Sisters are my idea of modest.
Not only are these gals going to remain abstinent, so are any men that accidently gaze upon them. I'm even willing to bet big money that when these sisters get together to can pickles, not a one goes a missing. I think that's Christine O'Donnell all the way to the right. Bristol looks less modest by comparison.Now, if I was a total dick looking for a cheap laugh, I would slap some Candie's Foundation abstinence propaganda on that pink porno Bristol Palin photo and see how it looks.
Never let it be said that I am unwilling to go for a cheap laugh or that I'm not a total dick.
But Bristol's mom, Sarah would say that we're looking at her daughter with corrupt and evil, East Coast media ivy league bias not heartland, middle America righteous stuff. What do the good people of the prairie see when they look at this image?
Jesus Christ! Really? Damn, I am evil, I live on the East Coast and I get poison ivy all the time. I guess Bristol Palin is modest.
Wait, just one Iowa cornhusking minute! Even the most righteous Idaho Mormons have to admit that Bristol looks like she just dragged herself out of a damp bed after a good pounding. Her outfit and her after-sex hairdo is so sexy, it makes the dancer dude look straight. I don't think the good Sisters of New Lebanon would approve but my dick sure does.
Bristol Palin, modest or sexy?
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Throwback Thursday - My 6th Grade Spring Dance
That's me with Donna Santoro, my date for the Annual 6th Grade Spring Dance at Forest Park Elementary School. How good do I look? You can't beat a shiny plaid suit with big, gold buttons. Her mom made me take off my glasses "so I would be handsome for the picture." I guess the suit didn't make up for the glasses.
Mrs. Santoro, I was already a foot and a half shorter than your daughter without a single pubic hair on my underdeveloped body. Thanks for the confidence boost.
Donna's older brothers, Tony and Frank, after seeing this photo, gave me the nickname Slits. Slits is the kind of nickname that will stick with a fella. I was Slits throughout junior high school which is not good. In high school, they shortened it to Slit. Slit is an even worse nickname.
That's Mrs. Santoro working in her husband's salvage business. To this day, big Long Island hair makes me big.
Donna and I were not really boyfriend and girlfriend. You had to be a couple to go to the dance and all the nice, Italian boys were taken. I think Donna picked me because I looked more Italian than the other non-Italians.
Turned out that after the dance we spent a couple of Friday nights in Donna's basement listening to 8-tracks on her dad's stereo. Donna and her dad were partial to The Carpenters, The Beach Boys and Chicago (the band not the city). Her favorite single? American Pie by Don McLean. You had to flip the 45 over in the middle of the song because the guy whined about Buddy Holly forever.
I grew up on Long Island and had a dick so my favorite album of 1972 was Led Zepplin IV from 1971. Donna's dad didn't get the Led out.
Donna and I kissed a lot and held hands in that basement. Donna played the flute in the school band. She had serious lips. Outstanding kisser. No, she never played my skin flute, we're talking 1972. The French hadn't invented it yet.
One night I brought over one of my favorite new albums, Jethro Tull's Thick as a Brick because the main guy in Tull played the flute. I decided to give the album to Donna. I thought this considerate, well-thought out gesture might allow me to proceed from the on-deck circle to the batter's box.
Donna wore a gold crucifix that her dad bought her for her christening or her confession or her first communion or something. It was big, with an actual golden Jesus hanging on it. Little Golden Jesus was like 3/4 life size. He used to hang there on his cross standing guard over Donna's desirable breasts. It was creepy. When I slipped my tongue in a little too far or I "accidently" rubbed up against one of Donna's beautiful protuberances, Little Golden Jesus would frown at me. It was magic, Catholic, half-Jew-hating magic.
I thought Jethro Tull would be my ticket to the paradise located below Little Golden Jesus' feet.
Turned out Donna hated Jethro Tull. She hated the name. She hated the album cover -- and I found out she hated Monty Python after I used Monty Python to defend the album cover. Her hate continued. She hated heavy metal. She hated the way Ian Anderson played the flute.
I looked down at Little Golden Jesus, the bugger had a huge Kool Aid smile from from ear to pious ear.
That was my first inkling that breasts and vaginas weren't the only things that made girls different. On the upside, I got to keep the album.
Two memories from the actual dance:
It's really hard to dance to American Pie and not look like a tool.
It's good to be a foot and half shorter than your date when you're slow dancing to Colour My World by Chicago.
Sincerely,
Bob "Slit" Melonosky
Throwback Throwback Thursdays
Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah SilvermanThrowback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo
Throwback Thursday - On a Bob Melonosky Built for Two
Throwback Thursday - My First Real Job
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/23/15
Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Khloe Kardashian sports a voluminous platinum blonde 80s-inspired perm
My Comment: Khloe looks just like the Kowardly Lion if the Kowardly Lion was fat and used up.
That's an old photo of the Cowardly Lion wearing a dress that's three sizes too small at Pure in Caesar's Palace back in 1938. Maybe OJ isn't Khloe's father. Maybe her father is Bert Lahr. I can't imagine Bert slumming it with Kris Jenner but he was known to have a drink or two.
White House hopeful Lindsey Graham explains why he never married in tell-all memoir: 'I haven't been lucky that way'
My Comment: This guy is so deep in the closet, he's living in Narnia.
That's presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham with a potential First Lady/Wife. I thought I wrote this Narnia line but after googling it, I probably overheard it at Rawhide when I lived in Chelsea. Props to op.
Kylie Jenner models her 'boyfriend' Tyga's Crisp-brand boxer briefs
My Comment: Kylie's getting close. On her 18th birthday, she'll post a selfie with Tyga's johnson in her mouth and then she'll finally be as famous as big sister Kim. I'm sure her mom can't wait.
Boating Bad! Amazing dead ringer for Breaking Bad's Walter White was coxswain in charge of 1920s Rhyl lifeboat
My Comment: Given that Walter White was an orphan, that must be his grandfather. Journalism is not dead!
Tamara Ecclestone posts intimate picture of herself breast-feeding daughter Sophia in hotel swimming pool
My Comment: I stayed at a hotel in the Bahamas with a swim up bar. This is way better.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
Bristol Palin SLAMS Miley Cyrus for being a hypocrite and anti-Christian in confused blog rant
My Comment: There are a lot of churches in the US. Bristol Plain should find one that doesn't preach hate. Rating ▲27
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
My Comment: Khloe looks just like the Kowardly Lion if the Kowardly Lion was fat and used up.
That's an old photo of the Cowardly Lion wearing a dress that's three sizes too small at Pure in Caesar's Palace back in 1938. Maybe OJ isn't Khloe's father. Maybe her father is Bert Lahr. I can't imagine Bert slumming it with Kris Jenner but he was known to have a drink or two.
My Comment: This guy is so deep in the closet, he's living in Narnia.
That's presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham with a potential First Lady/Wife. I thought I wrote this Narnia line but after googling it, I probably overheard it at Rawhide when I lived in Chelsea. Props to op.
My Comment: Kylie's getting close. On her 18th birthday, she'll post a selfie with Tyga's johnson in her mouth and then she'll finally be as famous as big sister Kim. I'm sure her mom can't wait.
My Comment: Given that Walter White was an orphan, that must be his grandfather. Journalism is not dead!
My Comment: I stayed at a hotel in the Bahamas with a swim up bar. This is way better.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
My Comment: There are a lot of churches in the US. Bristol Plain should find one that doesn't preach hate. Rating ▲27
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Throwback Thursday - My First Real Job
That's me on the left at my first real job at Teapot RW, Inc. in Bethpage, Long Island.
That's Ted. He did what I did on the days I didn't go in, but with more zits.
Leonid "No Tweezers" Goronovich, scariest looking electrical engineer ever.
The boss, Lead Engineer Mr. Redd. Smoked three packs of Lucky Strikes a day. Smelt a bit but had a heart condition.
Next to Mr. Redd with his penis resting on the back of the young lady is Roger "The Dark Bishop" Hamantaschen.
He was called The Dark Bishop because he played computer chess everyday at lunch with a nerd at the University of Manchester.
The young lady is Mrs. Ingrid Matz. Her father was Swedish, her mother was a ballet dancer and her husband treated her like crap. Ingrid was the programmer. She could do things in FORTRAN that would curl your toes and make your nipples ache til Sunday. She was the first married lady I ever gerlandeprung. I gerlandersprung her four times! Only kidding, I gerlandersprung her i = i+1 times.
I was still just a senior at Half Hollow Hills High School East, but everyday after school, while my classmates were stealing buckets of pickles working the drive-thru at Wendy's then eating the pickles in the parking lot of Adventure's Inn, I was selling secrets to the Soviets.
I worked in the Systems Group maintaining a Sperry Rand UNIVAC 9700 that was like a hundred times faster than an IBM 370 E Series. One day while pipelining the floating point after some unexpected subthreshold leakage I accidentally read a Top Secret printout detailing the CIA's program to spy on The Swedish Royal Ballet.
I was outraged. What possible threat could The Swedish Royal Ballet pose to the United States? I immediately showed the printout to Ingrid because I thought it would enable me to get her out of her peasant dress and get me into her panties. It did.
Ingrid decided that we should sell information that was passing through our office to the Soviets so that we could save up enough money for her divorce and our subsequent honeymoon in Sochi, and teach the CIA that it shouldn't spy on the dancers of its closest allies.
It didn't take the CIA long to figure out that our office was the source of significant intelligence breaches. The FBI broke down our doors and arrested Leonid "No Tweezers" Goronovich and The Dark Bishop. I'm pretty sure the eyebrow was Leo's undoing and that terrible chess nickname came to haunt Roger Hamantaschen. Those guys are still serving consecutive life sentences in a federal prison.
Ingrid and I stopped selling secrets. She took all the money and ran off with Mr. Redd. I graduated high school and went off to the State University of New York at Stony Brook, a little wiser and a little sore from all the gerlandersprunging. I flunked out two years later. Nobody cares what happened to Ted.
If you'd like to read more about this story, you can purchase my New York Times seller "Blinky and the Snowgirl" at Amazon.
Or rent the movie starring a young Randy Quaid as The Dark Bishop and sexy Britt Eklund as Ingrid.
Throwback Throwback Thursdays
Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah SilvermanThrowback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo
Throwback Thursday - On a Bob Melonosky Built for Two
Monday, June 8, 2015
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 6/8/15
Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
It's not a competition! Robin Thicke, 38, and girlfriend April Love Geary, 20, wear matching plunging necklines on date night
My Comment: His boobs are bigger than hers. Robin should work out a little or buy the kid a boob job.
Duggar family pastor says Caitlyn Jenner no longer an American champion because of gender transition...but that God can forgive Josh's molester past
My Comment: There are a lot of churches in America. These people should find one that doesn't preach hate.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
'He said it only happened once': Jim Bob Duggar's state trooper friend claims the father-of-19 LIED about his eldest son Josh's molestation of girls
My Comment: Josh Duggar for President! He would be the perfect Republican candidate. Rating ▼12
When Josh Duggar was Executive Director of the Family Research Council, a conservative Christian lobby group, every republican in the country was trying to get a photo op. He still hates gays, immigrants and poor people so he is a viable Republican candidate.
'I was mistreated': Caitlyn Jenner on marriage to 'controlling' Kris Jenner... while matriarch brands her ex 'passive-aggressive'
My Comment: Wow, Bruce looks way better than ex-wife Kris. That must be why she's upset. Rating ▼12
Who wore it better? Kim Kardashian and Kylie Jenner wears similar body-hugging green dresses
My Comment: Kylie looks like an attractive young woman. Kim looks like a green hill in Ireland. Rating ▲71
Chris Christie flaunts his weight-loss AND wins MVP at Yankees NYPD charity game
My Comment: Chris Christie needs tighter pants. You still can't find his tiny bat and balls. Rating ▲137
Give the Brits credit. A good laugh is more important than their rightwing nutjob political views. Definitely not true in America if my inbox is any indication.
I'm not sure Governor Christie should be "flaunting" that weight-loss. Can the surgeons cut anything else out of his abdomen so he loses another 200 pounds?
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
My Comment: His boobs are bigger than hers. Robin should work out a little or buy the kid a boob job.
My Comment: There are a lot of churches in America. These people should find one that doesn't preach hate.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
My Comment: Josh Duggar for President! He would be the perfect Republican candidate. Rating ▼12
When Josh Duggar was Executive Director of the Family Research Council, a conservative Christian lobby group, every republican in the country was trying to get a photo op. He still hates gays, immigrants and poor people so he is a viable Republican candidate.
My Comment: Wow, Bruce looks way better than ex-wife Kris. That must be why she's upset. Rating ▼12
My Comment: Kylie looks like an attractive young woman. Kim looks like a green hill in Ireland. Rating ▲71
My Comment: Chris Christie needs tighter pants. You still can't find his tiny bat and balls. Rating ▲137
Give the Brits credit. A good laugh is more important than their rightwing nutjob political views. Definitely not true in America if my inbox is any indication.
I'm not sure Governor Christie should be "flaunting" that weight-loss. Can the surgeons cut anything else out of his abdomen so he loses another 200 pounds?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 5/27/15
Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Lucy Mecklenburgh works effortless style in orange jumpsuit and black leather jacket at make-up launch
My Comment: Those paintings are amazing. Lucy is both beautiful and a very, talented artist.
You know, because those easels are usually used for oil painting and the makeup looks like tubes of paint and this comment would have gotten mega red arrows as all of Britain got off feeling superior to me with their inexhaustible knowledge of all things Lucy.
Bride-to-be Michelle Keegan nails off-duty chic as she attends her final dress fitting
My Comment: "Michelle Keegan nails off-duty security guard" would be a better headline. Especially, if I was the off-duty security guard.
You know, because "nails off-duty" is a funny choice of words and I would really like to nail Michelle Keegan. I am not a security guard but would be willing to wear the uniform for a tryst if Michelle agrees to wear her wedding gown.
Robin Thicke, 38, is overshadowed by glamorous young girlfriend April Love Geary, 20
My Comment: I think it's nice that Robin brought his daughter as his date to an event at Cannes. Most guys would bring a two-bit floozy.
You know, because Robin looks 48 but is 38 and April looks 20 but is 20.
Kylie Minogue offers a glimpse of her famous derrière as she steps out in a cute beige semi-sheer minidress
My Comment: If Kylie sang with her derrière, her music might be more bare-able.
You know, because Kylie looks a lot better than she sounds.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
Men who masturbate will get their hands PREGNANT says Islamic preacher
My Comment: If that guy was right, I'd have 800,000 kids. Rating ▲3
Ivanka Trump's sundress gets caught in a breeze as she shows off her impressive swing
My Comment: That swing is generating a lot of torque, in my pants! Ivana hump Ivanka Trump.
Wow, it looks like Christine is making up for lost time. Spit on that bottle rocket and fire away.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
My Comment: Those paintings are amazing. Lucy is both beautiful and a very, talented artist.
You know, because those easels are usually used for oil painting and the makeup looks like tubes of paint and this comment would have gotten mega red arrows as all of Britain got off feeling superior to me with their inexhaustible knowledge of all things Lucy.
My Comment: "Michelle Keegan nails off-duty security guard" would be a better headline. Especially, if I was the off-duty security guard.
You know, because "nails off-duty" is a funny choice of words and I would really like to nail Michelle Keegan. I am not a security guard but would be willing to wear the uniform for a tryst if Michelle agrees to wear her wedding gown.
My Comment: I think it's nice that Robin brought his daughter as his date to an event at Cannes. Most guys would bring a two-bit floozy.
You know, because Robin looks 48 but is 38 and April looks 20 but is 20.
My Comment: If Kylie sang with her derrière, her music might be more bare-able.
You know, because Kylie looks a lot better than she sounds.
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
My Comment: If that guy was right, I'd have 800,000 kids. Rating ▲3
Ivanka Watch
Here's a photo of Ivanka Trump. I have now submitted some variation of this comment 127 times and it's been rejected 127 times. Besides, can Ivanka be more adorable? No she can not.
My Comment: That swing is generating a lot of torque, in my pants! Ivana hump Ivanka Trump.
Extra Bonus Stuff
And because I went to the trouble of photoshopping that cute, little dildo into Christine O'Donnell's cute little hand, here's the original image from Fox News.
Wow, it looks like Christine is making up for lost time. Spit on that bottle rocket and fire away.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Throwback Thursday - On a Bob Melonosky Built for Two
Part 1
My best friend growing up was a guy named Dave DeGreco. He had long, greasy blonde hair that curled up at the bottom like Mary Tyler Moore, buck teeth, and so many beauty marks on his face that the tough kids called him "Dots." They used to hold him down in the playground and connect his beauty marks with a black marker hoping it would result in a circus elephant or a Mickey Mouse. It never did. When they let Dave up, he would cry and hide in the coat closet.
Despite these shortcomings, and a boatload of others too numerous to mention, Dave ended up with a girlfriend in the 10th Grade.
Her name was Laura. She was ugly and mean, had hairy arms like Lancelot Link Super Chimp and her dad drove a sky blue Lincoln Continental Mark IV. They were made for each other.
Prior to his going out with Laura, me and Dave would spend every non-school hour together, playing basketball or wiffleball or watching TV. After Laura showed up, I had to renew my friendship with former friends that were even worse than Dave. Guys like Pete DeSilvio, Tony DePietro and Augie DiDimonico. Life sucked for me, but on Sundays, the pasta was good.
Then one day, Dave asked if I wanted to go on a double date with Laura's friend Margarita Ruriani. Turned out Margarita liked me. Who knew? I was in 427 classes with her and she never said a word to me. Once in gym class, during the dreaded square dancing marking period, she tripped me on purpose while I was promenading with Cheryl Satriali.
I had probably rubbed it out to Margarita over 200 times which put her in the same grouping as my math teacher Mrs. Rosner and Trish Nixon. I couldn't be happier to go on a date.
The girls decided that we would rent bicycles built for two and ride around Hecksher Park before having a picnic and then going to a concert at the band shell. Pretty damn ambitious for a first date but what choice did I have?
The morning of the big event my grandpa made over-easy eggs with a pile of corned beef hash from a can that was so big, Richard Dreyfus could have used it to build Pike's Peak. I ate it all. Then he beat me at Stratego a couple of times even though I moved my bombs. The old guy was a Stratego savant even though he hated the French.
Bicycles built for two were lame but Dave and I had a plan. Get the girls to ride in front so we could look at their butts. Margarita was wearing a plaid skirt that had the potential to ride up on her. It was my lucky day.
Hairy armed Laura gladly sat up front. Margarita wanted to be in back because she was afraid to steer. Now she was going to get to look at my butt. Fuck luck.
As I mounted the bike my stomach began to percolate. The lethal combination of intestinal tract microbes, corned beef, chocolate milkshake and cold Pillsbury broccoli and cheddar quiche (I had sneaked out of the fridge) were starting to ferment in my lower bowels. Copious amounts of nitrogen, methane and hydrogen sulfide were demanding to be released. Like Gandalf the Grey, I brought all my magical powers to bear on the elassitude of my rectum, "Thou shall not pass gas!"
My determination lasted 20 seconds. The warm, supple bicycle seat kind of tickled my balloon knot and I had to let one go. Years of practice in classrooms and the backseats of cars allowed me to deliver the bomb slowly. I lifted up a cheek and opened the smallest aperture I could muster, resulting in a silent but steady release of pressure that lasted all the way to the duck pond.
Margarita didn't seem to notice. I relaxed a bit and carefully repeated the process. This time my results were mixed as I released a series of staccato sighs as if my anus were blowing kisses to my attractive co-cyclist. I was now officially and solidly freaked out and in my distracted state proceeded to slice off a hunk of cheese that could have adorned the head of Andre the Giant. The sound so frightened the paddling of ducks that they left their bread and rose as one, and didn't stop flying until they got to Sunken Meadow State Park and the safety of the Long Island Sound.
Should I apologize or pretend that the obvious didn't happen? I was fairly inexperienced in the nuances of the dating game so I just peddled on through the heavy stench of rotting cheddar and corned beef.
When it was time to dismount, I took a chance and looked at Margarita. Our eyes met. The disgust I was expecting was absent. No smile graced her lips but there was something locked in her eyes. A longing. Maybe, a longing to be as far from me as a frightened duck.
Later, while sitting under the stars, on a blanket, with Margarita in my arms, listening to the Huntington Philharmonic butcher Beethoven, through whispers and kisses I learned of the joys of eproctophilia.
And thus began the greatest three months of 10th Grade a guy ever had.
End of Part 1
Remember the immortal words of James Joyce:
"It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women."
Additional Reading: Great Farts in Literature.
Throwback Throwback Thursdays
Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah SilvermanThrowback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber
Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 5/20/15
Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see
each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of
crap for my blog.
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
Man, 33, pleads guilty after 'killing his stepfather with an atomic wedgie
My Comment: This is truly a public service announcement. I will never again perform an atomic wedgie. However, conventional wedgies will still be in my arsenal.
'You're The Wig That I Want!': John Travolta sports layered mullet
My Comment: When the Scientologist aliens finally arrive on earth, they're going to take the wig and leave the cannoli.
Khloe Kardashian hits the gym early so she can have breakfast catch up with sister
My Comment: "Hits the gym" must be Armenian for "free buffet."
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
'Thanks for the lift!': Kourtney Kardashian shares snap where partner Scott Disick is pushing up her breast as she sunbathes
Pregnant Katherine Jenkins dresses her burgeoning baby bump in a midnight blue number ensemble
My Comment: When you can't see the bump, it can't be burgeoning. Need an alliteration? Katherine dresses her itsy-bitsy baby bump... Rating ▲155
Kim embraces her 'insecurities' with a nude photo shoot in the desert
My Comment: Kim looks like I-40, a four lane highway through the Mojave Desert. You can park two 18-wheelers on that butt with room to spare. Rating ▼1
The Daily Mail Mission Statement:
Extra Special Gift:
Because I care, and because hundreds of pussy-faced pudpullers (that's "pus - e faced" - having a face full of pus not a face full of pussy. Believe me, no readers of this site have ever had their face anywhere near an actual pussy), will visit this site after typing some combination of:
When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.
You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right? Right? Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.
Rejected Comments of the Past Week
My Comment: This is truly a public service announcement. I will never again perform an atomic wedgie. However, conventional wedgies will still be in my arsenal.
My Comment: When the Scientologist aliens finally arrive on earth, they're going to take the wig and leave the cannoli.
My Comment: "Hits the gym" must be Armenian for "free buffet."
Accepted Comments
Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.
My Comment:
I'd lift those up where they belong
Where eagles fly
On a mountain high
Rating ▼2
My Comment: When you can't see the bump, it can't be burgeoning. Need an alliteration? Katherine dresses her itsy-bitsy baby bump... Rating ▲155
My Comment: Kim looks like I-40, a four lane highway through the Mojave Desert. You can park two 18-wheelers on that butt with room to spare. Rating ▼1
The Daily Mail Mission Statement:
Extra Special Gift:
Because I care, and because hundreds of pussy-faced pudpullers (that's "pus - e faced" - having a face full of pus not a face full of pussy. Believe me, no readers of this site have ever had their face anywhere near an actual pussy), will visit this site after typing some combination of:
Kourtney
Kardashian
Breast
Naked
Nude
Pregnant.
Here's Kourtney Kardashian naked, and pregnant, with nude breasts, and an eagle, actual size:
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