Nicki Minaj - That's the 2nd Greatest Bar Mitzvah Photo I've Ever Seen

Wow.  Nicki Minaj and eight lucky 13-year old boys posing at a Bar Mitzvah.  Props to Rembert Browne at Grantland for a funny, insightful analysis.  I don't agree with his conclusion on this hand.

But that's a discussion for another day.  What was missing from the analysis were the two biggest mysteries.

When Nicki Minaj shows up at your Bar Mitzvah, the girl shows up at your Bar Mitzvah!  Nicki was dressed to impress.  She was like, "Hi boys, today you are men!"  I hope the hedge fund manager dad paid the extra $100,000 for the ice cream sundae bar and the Nicki Minaj Motorboat option. 

But the biggest mystery of this photo is not the largeness of the breasts but that everyone of those horny, 13-year old piles of hormones are looking directly at the camera.

Not a sidewise glance.  Not a future Senator or Vice President in this group.  What could the photographer be holding in his hand that directed their attention away from Nicki?  You know, like a rattle for a baby. 

I got nothing.  Neither did anyone at work.  This bit failed to fire.  A classic coitus interruptus.

Is there anything in the universe more interesting to a 13-year old boy than Nicki Minaj three feet away in a sexy, tight dress?  Having a good photo to post on snapchat?  Shit...  Kids today.

The 1st greatest Bar Mitzvah  photo I've ever seen?  Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah photo.

I was there and wrote about it here. And because I remember what it's like to be in middle school, I'm gonna guess the nicknames of these young men.

My nickname when I was 13 was The Radical. It was given to me by Steve "Pretzel Legs" DeGreco and had something to do with Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes and nutritional guidelines. Donna Brisanti gave Steve his nickname in gym class when she saw him in shorts for the first time. A great day to be Steve's friend, not such a great day to be Steve.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/17/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Only the best for North West! Kim Kardashian's 22-month-old daughter totes £600 camera
My Comment:  If that kid knows how to use that camera then she is already smarter than her mother.  But if North wants to stay famous in America, she'll have to sleep with a rapper while Grandma Kris videotapes it.  Her dad doesn't count.

Easy.  Easy.  I just meant that a lot of 2-year old girls sleep in  bed with mom and dad after they wake up in the middle of the night and find an entire film crew in their room shooting pickups --  and they realize that their entire life will be totally fucked up unless they run away to Uncle Rob and live in a cave in the woods.

'Hanging with Posh': Victoria Beckham gets nostalgic as she cuddles up to her Spice Girl wax persona 
My Comment:  Wow, which is the real Victoria?  Oh wait, never mind, the wax one is actually lifelike and shows a hint of emotion.

Meet Kourtni and Kara Kardashian! Kim introduces her Armenian cousins
My Comment:   Sign those Kousins up!  A dozen implants, $100,000 of plastic surgery and hours and hours of photoshop and they will fit right in.  Khloe might be out of a job.

Glamorous Monica Bellucci, 50, shows she's the ultimate Bond Girl as she goes braless in a sheer blouse for lunch
My Comment:   Nothing wets my appetite like two delicious Italian appetizers prominently displayed. Mangiare bene, Monica!

Mangia quello che piace a te, vesti come piace agli altri!

Cookie Monster arrested in Times Square for allegedly grabbing teen's breasts - but he says it's a case of mistaken identity
My Comment:   Cookie Monster going after melons instead of cookies?  Where's Rudolph Giuliani when we need him?  Probably dressed up as Elmo.

Khloe Kardashian has a spring in her step as she hits the gym in LA one day after arriving home from Armenia
My Comment:  Glad to see that Khloe escaped from Armenia.  I was afraid she would be mistaken for a mule and you know how they love their mules.

You think you'd be able to tell the difference between Khloe Kardashian and a mule?   Go ahead, try.

Damn, did the sunglasses give it away?  Mules sometimes wear sunglasses, don't they?  I think they do, especially when they're on their way to the gym and their eyes are puffy and red and full of sebaceous secretions because they've been up all night doing drugs and having copious amounts of unprotected sex.

Mules wear sunglasses, I'm sure.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Just call her Amanda Hold-em! BGT judge grabs her breasts as she laughs off insurance claims... before dancing while wearing nipple tassels
My Comment:  Never before has so much been made of so little.  Rating ▲65


Always remember the iconic motto of The Daily Mail:

Throwback Thursday - Bob Melonosky, Teen Rambo

There I am, the tallest member of the Half Hollow Hills East JROTC Pershing Riflettes.  I wouldn't be the leader I am today if not for my pseudo-military service.  lol   That's funny because as a leader, I'm not.*

As a pseudo-military battalion we were distinguished by our nearsightedness and lack of physical prowess.  During one memorable School Spirit Day, we got beat in dodge ball by the Drama Club and lost to the Robotics Club in a tug-o-war.  What could we do well?  We tied a mean tie, better than most teens in the 70's. You want a Windsor knot?  That's a job for the Riflettes!

The finest physical specimen in our ranks was Major Angela "Legs" Legittino.  She's sitting on the left in the front row.  We called her Legs because Legittino was longer.

Angela used to like tying me up with her aiguilettes, then tickling me with her long nails until the twin solid propellants in my Pershing Missile went ballistic, firing my entire teen payload into orbit.   (I'm required by law to include at least one euphemism in every  one of these Throwback bits)

 Infographic provided to you homeslices because I care.

*Nor was I a follower.  I was a free radical without a nose. Got out of the military just in time. 

Throwback Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman
Throwback Thursday - Old Skool Skateboarding
Throwback Thursday - My First Date
Throwback Thursday - Receiving a Major Award
Throwback Thursday - JV Tennis Bob Melonosky Super Jock
Throwback Thursday - Bruce Klein's Bar Mitzvah
Throwback Thursday - HHH High School East Computer Club
Throwback Thursday - My High School German Club
Throwback Thursday - A Cousin Claudia Christmas
Throwback Thursday - I Was a Teenage Poet
Throwback Thursday - I Wanna Be a Football Hero
Throwback Thursday - My Yearbook Photos
Throwback Thursday - My Brief Career as the Catholic Justin Beiber

The Saddest Pea Ever or The Daily Grind Just Got Rougher

This morning when I dragged myself off my chair, down the hall and into the men's room I had a rude awakening.

What the fuck is that blue thing in my urinal?

Where's Pinky Pisscadero?

You remember the pinkies, my favorite type of urinal cake.  I obsessed over them back in the spring of 1993.

I Invent a New Game at Work - wherein I describe a new game I invented involving urinal cakes.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 2 - wherein I describe the incredibly drab interior design at work and pretend to pee on my boss.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 3 - wherein I reveal that I'm actually pretending to pee on despicable hedge fund manager Michael Weinberg and bitch endlessly about my boss.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 4 - wherein I go on an on about pink urinal cakes.
I Invent a New Game at Work Day 5 Game Over! - wherein I describe my efforts to bring the game to the masses by starting a league for young urban professionals.

This new blue piece of plastic just lies there and gets wet much like a young Kim Kardashian in that video I've never seen.

When I complained to the building guy, he was like "It's a urinal screen.  It's the latest industrial design to keep a urinal free flowing and odor free."   He went on to say that the unique web design and channeled texture prevents splash back and that the bubblegum scent is guaranteed to last 30 days.

I didn't smell any bubblegum the last time I pissed.  I'm not sure how close you have to get to smell any odor other than the earthy scent of man urine.

The pink urinal cakes used to smell strongly of cheap soap and hard candy -- just like my grandma.

Unique web design prevents splash back.

So now I'm expected to spend 45 seconds doing nothing but peeing when I pee.  No stimulation whatsoever unless I rub one out.

Before my next visit to the men's room, I'm going to go outside, hang with the smokers and sneak a cigarette butt.  Then I'm going to throw it in the urinal and have an old fashioned cigarette hosing party. 

Disclaimer:

For the record, that's a picture of my coffee mug, and I do love my boss (wink). So, while it is true that I hate my job with a passion worthy of Mel Gibson, and it is true that my job is mind-numbingly boring, unfathomably useless and demeaning in ways that only a piss bucket boy from the 1700's would understand, it does pay the bills and I love my boss (wink).

My boss and everyone else in charge work very hard -- to make the rest of us feel small, insignificant, and miserable. But as my dad used to say, "Work is work. If it didn't suck worse than Karl Rove with a mouth full of broken glass, it wouldn't be work."

You saw the wink, right?

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 4/9/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West take North to church as they celebrate Easter
My Comment:  If Kim goes to church regular, prays for forgiveness, and stops sinning, Jesus will put a baby in her belly.  I mean Jesus the gardener, obviously Kanye's shooting blanks.

Are we sure they're going to church?  It looks like the Yeezus Tour went so badly,  Kanye is taking on work as a house painter.

Is that REALLY suitable for church? Kendall Jenner bares midriff in crop top for Easter service... then posts naked bunny snap 
My Comment:  At the Khurch of Kardashian all manner of wardrobe are accepted equally, be they midriffs, nipple exposing tight tops, or painter rags full of rips and hos.  Remember that Our Savior Kim went down on a rapper for our sins ON VIDEO. 

And so have I.

Mindy Kaling denies knowing her brother pretended to be black when he applied to medical school 
My Comment:  You know what's funny?  Mindy pretended to be white on Tinder.  After meeting for coffee, I hooked up with her anyway because she was nice and nice looking.

Kelly Brook shows off her yoga skills and ample assets
My Comment:  My yoga instructor used to call that The Missionary Position.


Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Tom Cruise 'hasn't seen eight-year-old daughter Suri in over a year'... as he starts work on 90-day shoot in Atlanta
My Comment:  Because Tom is a Mormon, he only really cares about his son. If Suri was with Tom, she would have to share her husband with other women so she is better off with her mom.  Rating ▼392

 Mormons really don't like Tom Cruise or being compared to Scientology.   In addition to the red disapproval, I got over 20 comments on the idiocy of my comment.  I felt bad so I responded.

My Comment on the Comments:  Scientology? I apologize. Sometimes I get those wacky tax-exempt cults confused.   Rating ▲14

Mormons are a forgiving people.

I do apologize, but in my defense, like most people,  I get all of my Mormon and Tom Cruise knowledge  from South Park.  And that is clearly Tom Cruise leading the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

This Week's Rejected Daily Mail Comments -- 3/26/15

Another Post Courtesy of the The Daily Mail - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

When you really, really need to see celebrity nipples poking through skintight blouses there is only one place to go on the web, the The Daily Mail. Now there's another reason to visit The Daily Mail, a new game for killing time at work. The goal is to get as many red down arrows as possible when you comment on their articles.

You'd think it would be easy. The Daily Mail is just like the New York Post except it's targeted at toothless limeys instead of toothless guys from Staten Island. Work some pro-ObamaCare into your comment, maybe a gay marriage doesn't really hurt anyone, and those red arrows will start piling up, right?  Right?  Wrong. The problem is you have to get your comments through those warehouses full of censors housed somewhere just east of Mumbai.


Rejected Comments of the Past Week

Scott Disnick poses with Kylie at Kourtney's Pool 
My Comment:  When Scott Disnick gets blind drunk, which is daily, do you think he has a klue which kuntry he's in?

I thought my klever use of k's would sneak this by the kensors.

'It's something I've suffered with all my life': Amanda Holden reveals she has to wear nipple covers for daytime TV modesty
My Comment:  She's suffered her whole life with being extremely horny?  Me, too.  We should hang out together.

Sometimes, when I think about all the suffering in the world, I need to rub one out.

Desperate Khloe Kardashian breaks down while pleading with brother Rob to accept help
My Comment:   When you're the ugliest Kardashian, you have to pretend to be concerned about your loser brother.  It's in the script.

Bella Thorne oozes heaps of sophistication in a chic grey dress and a tailored cream coat
My Comment:   If I ooze heaps of cream on Bella Thorne's coat will I be sophisticated?

Accepted Comments

Sometimes I do get a comment through the censors. Remember my goal is to get as many red arrows as possible.

Egging him on! David Beckham and son Brooklyn share pictures of their Easter hunt... as Victoria gets her bake on at home
My Comment:  What was she baking? A cold, icy stare?  Rating ▲58


And because I care, and I already went through the trouble of erasing all the background anyway, a Victoria Beckham Halloween mask.    Guaranteed to shrivel up the most stubborn eggplant.  Not suitable for children, pregnant women or people with heart conditions.