Friday, October 22, 2010

The Favre Refrigerator

William Safire, my most loyal reader inspired this post by commenting on my last post. Thanks Bill!

funny brett and deanna favre's refrigerator A buddy that works as a PA at TMZ e-mailed me these exclusive photos of Brett and Deanna Favre's refrigerator. While appearing on Good Morning America to sell her book, Deanna explained that she is relying on faith to see her through these troubling times. She even put one of her favorite psalms from the Book of Isaiah on her refrigerator. Now, whenever she fetches her dirtbag husband a beer, she is strengthened.

Let's see what the sleeze mongers at TMZ have waiting for us.

funny favre refrigerator magnets Hmm, not very inspirational. Look, the Favre's ran out of L's. I hate when that happens.

funny deanna favre favorite psalm for strength There it is, the "Do not fear" psalm. Between you and me, most of these psalms scare the beejeezus out of me. This one is nice. God must have been having a good day.

funny favre to do lists
The Favre's are a busy bunch. I hope that the TMZ guys didn't pay the maid too much for these photos. They're kind of boring.

favre's troubled child's art work Whoa, Junior is not much of an artist. Maybe this child should have been left behind, about three grades! Wait, I apologize, that's his old man's di... Junior's gots the internet!

funny brett and jenn sterger Stop that! It's only Brett's niece from back east.

Deanna Favre Stands By Her Man*

funny deanna favre, deanna favre stands by her man,brett
Deanna Favre has faith, not in her husband Brett Favre, in Our Lord Jesus Christ. She's depending on God to see her through this crisis. Because, while God and Jesus are too busy raking leaves to attend to starving children, pedophile priests, victims of genocide, tsunamis, earthquakes, or floods, they are willing to go that extra mile for a millionaire housewife from Mississippi that is suffering because her dirtbag husband is sending pictures of his dick to hot young women. God and Son, Inc. work in mysterious ways.

How do you go from this:

To this?

funny deanna favre, deanna favre stands by her man,brett


brett favre penis worm junk
Funny thing is, you knew that there had to be something funny eventually, that is the point of this blog. Funny thing is, that the photo of Deanna Favre looking pissed off that every website is using today is not recent. It's from a 2008 ESPN press orgy where Brett announced one of his legendary retirements. Deanna has that look, not because her husband has been e-mailing photos of his worm to every 25 year old babe in New York but because she's horrified that the worm might be spending the fall and winter at home in Mississippi.

*The Man Deanna is standing by is not Brett, it's the J-Dog with the captital J.

Pathetic Defense of this Unfunny Bit
According to the stats, 95% of the people that come here are looking for four things:
1. Morning camel toe
2. Sandra Bullock's ass
3. C.C. Sabathia's pants
4. Photos of Brett Favre's beautiful wife.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Bristol Palin in a Monkey Suit

I woke up this morning to find that I was popular! Not as popular as a 42 year old born-again virgin that hasn't jilled off in 20 years is in Delaware. But I ain't bad. Overnight, 40 of you visited my humble blog looking for Bristol Palin in a monkey suit. There you go sweet readers! I always aim to please.
bristol palin monkey I think Bristol is wearing the pink tutu and the big bow but you never know. Would have been funny if the "girl" gorilla ripped off her costume to reveal, Mark Ballas -- but my gut tells me that would have been too edgy.

bristol balin stripping out of monkey suit and looking all tan and deliciousBristol Palin is looking all tan and delicious (like a plump, juicy, glistening, golden brown turkey). I think she's enjoying the California lifestyle. More practice, less lounging by the pool, Bristol! Or your fat ass is going back north to all that ice and snow! Seriously, how is Sarah ever going to get her back home to the frozen tundra?*

Why did so many visitors desperate to see Bristol Palin in a monkey suit end up here where before this post there was no Bristol Palin in a monkey suit?

bristol palin monkey Type in "Bristol Palin monkey" and I was number 9 and number 10. Not too shabby!

Now that I actually wrote a bit about Bristol Palin in a monkey suit, I'm sure I'll plummet in the standings.

*TMZ is reporting that Sarah Palin has booked her daughter Bristol on the 4th season of the Flavor of Love. Bristol is promising to be both modest and competitive.

Monday, October 18, 2010

What Does Andy Pettitte Do Behind His Glove?

andy pettitte eyes glove mitt
What does Andy Pettitte do behind his baseball mitt?

He reads uplifting passages from the bible. Stuff like, "Thou shalt not cheat."
He's sexting Deanna Favre.
He gently kisses the ball then pops it in his mouth -- just like he did with Bud Selig's balls.
He's making sure that his mascara is still perfect.
He's pulling a Jeter pube from between his teeth.
He practices his Brooklynese, stuff like fuhgeddaboutdit and notfanuttin, so that stupid Yankee fans keep thinking he's a goombah.
He's seeing if his hand still smells like Clemens' ass.

and the Number 1 thing that Andy Pettitte is probably doing behind his glove...

He's snorting lines of Human Growth Hormone.

Of all the hated Yankees, Andy "I love Jesus and HGH" Pettitte is my most hated, except for Jeter and A-Rod. Bible-thumping, Roger Clemen's ass-pumping, Andy "I have accepted HGH as my personal Savior" Pettitte is the patron saint of cheaters, liars and hypocrites.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

DWTS - Bristol Palin, Modest or Sexy?

Bristol Palin, Paid Teen Abstinence Advocate, is a contestant on Dancing With the Stars and is doing her darndest to stay modest. That's Bristol down there lying prone on the floor, awash in pink light, her hair artfully arranged by a team of grips and bestboys.

Let's go over the definition of modest, shall we? These Shaker Sisters are my idea of modest.

christine o'donnell, bristol palin and her sisters aren't lesbians, they're abstinent Not only are these gals going to remain abstinent, so are any men that accidently gaze upon them. I'm even willing to bet big money that when these sisters get together to can pickles, not a one goes a missing. I think that's Christine O'Donnell all the way to the right.
bristol palin sexy Bristol looks less modest by comparison.

Now, if I was a total dick looking for a cheap laugh, I would slap some Candie's Foundation abstinence propaganda on that pink porno Bristol Palin photo and see how it looks.

Bristol Palin, Official Teen Abstinence Advocate Never let it be said that I am unwilling to go for a cheap laugh or that I'm not a total dick.

But Bristol's mom, Sarah would say that we're looking at her daughter with corrupt and evil, East Coast media ivy league bias not heartland, middle America righteous stuff. What do the good people of the prairie see when they look at this image?

bristol palin modest or sexy Jesus Christ! Really? Damn, I am evil, I live on the East Coast and I get poison ivy all the time. I guess Bristol Palin is modest.

Bristol Palin sloppy secondsWait, just one Iowa cornhusking minute! Even the most righteous Idaho Mormons have to admit that Bristol looks like she just dragged herself out of a damp bed after a good pounding. Her outfit and her after-sex hairdo is so sexy, it makes the dancer dude look straight. I don't think the good Sisters of New Lebanon would approve but my dick sure does.

Bristol Palin, modest or sexy?

Friday, October 8, 2010

Brett Favre's Junk

Brett Favre's penis,junk,cock,johnson,tadpole,stump I haven't actually seen Brett Favre's junk because I'm at work and deadspin is blocked. But I have heard endless hours of penis discussion on sports talk radio, so I think have a pretty good idea what it looks like. Am I close?

Phil Spector's hair and an old turkey neck -- grizzled, gray, wrinkled and floppy.

If I was Brett Favre and I was going to use photos of my dick to snag a hot babe, I would spend some time getting my dick ready before I took the photo. First, I would clean all the pigshit off of it. Brett is always covered in pigshit. Next, I would trim my pubes high and tight. Then, I would rub in some oil so it was nice and shiny and get it as big and as engorged as possible. If I was Brett Favre, I would take 15 seconds and just look at my wife, Deanna, because she is drop dead gorgeous.

sexy deanna favre looking hot That's Brett Favre with his beautiful wife, Deanna. I'm hard already.

After all my preparation, when my dick was looking its very best, kinda like this:

photo of my penis that I would send to Jenn Strager
I'd take a photo of it and send it to Jenn Sterger. If you are going after a trophy catch, you have to use the right bait. You can't just wiggle an old worm in front of her face and expect her to bite. Hmm, ouch.

jenn sterger hot
Damn, that Jenn Sterger is so hot she reminds me of Deanna Favre!!!

deanna favre and jenn sterger look a like! Wow, they could be twins -- if Deanna Favre was 15 years younger... They really do look a like.
Wait one minute, is a 40-year old Brett Favre trying to date his wife when she was 25?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

How to Draw John Bolton in a Suit

First, you sort of sketch in the colors using cheap, magic markers that get darker when you overlap your strokes.
Then you draw a pretty damn good John Bolton with the best black pen you can steal from work.

Then you put the two together and you get a naked John Bolton which is pretty good but is not the goal of this exercise.
how to draw a naked John Bolton
Finally, you draw a suit over the naked John Bolton making all the work you did getting his saggy man boobs and unsightly body hair perfect -- a total waste of time. But that's okay, cause National Lampoon is going to pay you $500 for the effort.*

That is not a skirt. You weren't going to see the bottom of the guy so you got a little lazy.

*But then National Lampoon passes on the bit because it's too UN-AMERICAN!!!**

**Yeah, okay, it was un-American but it was also incredibly racist and misogynistic, and it was full of dick and fart jokes, which more than made up for the un-patriotic stuff.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

More Wall Street Journal Humor - The Classic Fortune Teller Bit

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper... and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

A whole lot of effort went into drawing that cartoon. That is a great looking fortune teller and the folds in the tablecloth and chairs? Leonardo's Last Supper has nothing on this guy. That is one finely rendered drawing. Then you read the caption...

Whatthefuck? "I see a couch." Lame. Lamer. Lamest. "I see a couch." Really? Next time dude, give me a call, I'll throw you a bone for free. BTW, bone would be better. And where is the "in your future" part of the bit? As in, "I see a bone in your future." Don't eff with the structure of a classic. If it's short, it demands you include an "in your future."

"I see a couch." Lamer than a handjob from Bob Dole, you know, with his bad arm.

When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me, we'll talk.

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.
Even More Wall Street Journal Humor

Friday, October 1, 2010

Friday Fotoshop Funnies: Bristol Palin Shakes her Money Maker!

HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - Bristol Palin appeared as a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars" dressed like a frontier floozy. Her partner, Mark Ballas, dressed like a busboy.

funny bristol palin dancing Bristol Palin looks like she could be standing on a corner in Anchorage. "What's that biatch? Only $40? You shittin' me? With all those Russian ships in port? Tomorrow night you wearing black leggings or I cut you like a codfish." Those legs look like they should be holding up a dock in Homer, Alaska or maybe telephone lines.

funny bristol palin dancing Okay, I'm a lazy sonofabitch. Can you be more funny?
Any balloon is acceptable. Gay guy thinking.
Bristol thinking, (rimshot, please), gay guy
screaming as that leg causes a hernia
to pop through his abdominal wall.
Leave a comment or e-mail me.

funny bristol palin dancingKenneth Boyer of St. Louis is even lazier than me.

funny bristol palin dancingWayneRedGarret11 sent in another gay
obsessed caption. It does look like the guy
is hoping to get a whiff of Levi's cologne.
I believe that Levi wears Musk. Not cologne,
the actual musk from a muskox.

funny bristol palin dancing Richard Hebner of Boston hits one deep, it's high,
it's far, it's gone!

DavidWrightWinger goes all sweet and innocent.

Finally someone gets political.
Thanks Michael Phillips from Beaumont, Texas.

I just noticed I mispelled gardener because
HubieB7 misspelled it in his e-mail.
Crap! It's a royal pain in the ass because
I have to redo the whole thing in photoshop
because I was too lazy to save it as a separate layer.

I'm guessing that KK Chapman of Cali
was figuring that you'd have to lift Limbaugh's massive gut
to gain access to his pecker.

More Friday Fotoshop Funnies Fun
Sarah Palin, Naughty Monkey Woman
Sarah Palin Goes Old School
Sarah Palin and Another Baby
Bristol Palin and Levi Getting Married
Flat Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin and Henry Kissinger in Love

Can't Get Enough of this Crap?
During the last election I created the site (voted by as the leftist comedy site most likely to be mispelled).

Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars: Exclusive Photos!

Bristol Palin dancing with her partner Mark Ballas on Dancing with the Stars!

bristol palin and mark ballas dancing on dancing with the stars Bristol and Mark posing for a publicity still.

bristol palin and mark ballas in love
Rare pink hippo found in Kenya.

rare pink hippo in kenya Don't bother with the hate mail. First, I have better legs than Bristol Palin and I've got massive calves from playing hockey my whole life. What I also have are these two, cute little body parts called ankles. Bristol, buy yourself a pair of ankles with your new found wealth.

Second, Sarah Palin thinks the media is unfair to her family but her daughter Bristol is a Paris Hilton wannabe. They're both media whores as long as the pimp is Rupert Murdoch. Hey Bristol, wanna be just like Paris Hilton? I reckin' ya better start snortin' the cocaine or give anorexia a try.

Third, that pink hippo in the movie was a pretty good dancer. If Bristol can learn to dance like that pink hippo, she might win. So, this post is actually complimentary.