Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 4

More books from the box in my mom's attic.
Log Jam at Stalag 13 Inches, 2001 -- Nothing like a big, steaming hunk of German bratwurst to satisfy the ladies.

Princess Grace Marries the Lorax, 1990 -- Very high and/or very desperate describes everyone associated with this effort.

Fantastic Voyage to her Cervix and Back, 2002 -- The last Doctor Evelyn Anderson, Lesbian OB/GYN Adventure I ever got to pen. I miss those days. I used to get ten cents a page which was good money in 2002.

How TBS Turned Harold and Kumar Gay (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Last weekend while trolling for something to watch during the commercials of the football games, I found Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle on TBS. Touchdown!

Even better, Sophie sitting on the couch with me had never seen it. Problem is that the movie was so edited down that it became unintentionally funny and downright stupid.

When I flipped it on, the boys are at Princeton, a funny scene with Kenneth Park, Class of 2004 that stayed funny despite TBS' best efforts.

Then we get to meet Christy and Clarissa, the hot, stuck-up, British preppie chicks that want to party. They invite Kumar up to their room to smoke some weed! The pink one is carrying a Mr. Taco bag so it looks like they're planning on providing munchies of all sorts.

That's the last we see of Christy and Clarissa. When the boys hide in the woman's room from the cops, the girls never show up. We cut straight to the Asian Student Party.

TBS didn't even show them preening at the mirror.

Battleshits was a no go.

At the Asian party, the boys watch the dance floor through a window and its obvious that they are loving everything they see. When we finally get to watch the party, TBS cuts out the hot, topless Asian chick and every other Asian with a vagina. The only boobs we see are attached to a topless, Kenneth Park, Class of 2004, dancing like its 1999.

Cut to Harold and Kumar looking like naked Kenneth Park is the hottest fucking thing ever. "Dude, we so should have gone to this party!"

Cops show up. Good bye Princeton.

Sophie turns to me and asks, "Are Harold and Kumar gay?"

Biggest laugh of the night. Not only did a chubby, naked, Korean dork turn Harold and Kumar on, they never bothered to go looking for the hot British twins.

Why This Saddens Me (after I laughed my ass off)

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is in my personal Comedy Hall of Fame. And my Hall of Fame is not like the Baseball Hall of Slightly Better than Average. My Hall of Fame has five members and not a Bert Blyleven among them. In chronological order:

Blazing Saddles

Caddyshack

Something About Mary

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

40 Year Old Virgin

That's your Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Christy Mathewson, Honus Wagner and Walter Johnson of Movie Comedies.

You do not mess with the classics!!! I left a message with Martin Scorsese and is he going to be pissed.

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 3

More books from the box.

Hightops Hijinks, 1985. The very first example of Chuck Taylor Sci Fi. They worked in the car wash by day; at night, they used their supersoakers to keep Terra safe from all those who would do her harm.

The Girl with the Memorable Birthmark, 1992. I really should sue. Socially awkward and misunderstood skinny chick fucks up the man. I was gonna set it in Sweden but got lazy and went with LA.

Which End Goes in First?, 1986. Seriously, my work in feminist Sci Fi is the stuff of legend.

How Did Benny Hill Get So Effing Funny?

Another Post Courtesy of UK's Daily Mail - I kid Alfred Harmsworth, 1st Viscount Northcliffe a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

How did Benny Hill get so effing funny? Not bologna in his shoes. He just stole stuff from the Argos Catalog (probably catalogue on that side of the pond).

How many classic Benny Hill bits can you find on this single page of the 1976 catalog?


Here's some Boots Randolph to get you in the mood.

How many did you find? I found five.

1. The man on the stationary bike "accidently" increases the speed on the butt shaking machine, causing her boobies to jiggle. Then he "accidently" turns the dial to ridiculous speed and her bikini flys off.

2. An "erection" rises up from one of the guys on the rowing machines except it turns out to be a dumb bell. When the woman runs away, an "erection" rises up from the other rowing guy -- but he's looking at the man on the bike!

3. The guy with the chest pulling thing "accidently" lets go of one end launching it like an arrow. It hits a shapely, young bird right in the buttocks while she's bent over touching her toes. She slaps an innocent Jackie Wright in the face.

4. Macho man rips all the hair off his chest with that springy thing.

5. The couples with the ropes get tangled up so that whenever he pulls with his arms, her legs spread wide open revealing her camel toe or as the Brits say, her Jack the Ripper that's a krusty kipper.

How did you do?

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 2

More books from the box.

Most Dangerous Pussy Alive, 1987 -- I was accused of ripping off the Conan series but come on, Derek was a feral wanderer NOT a barbarian.

Not Much of a Beach Day, 1984 -- Teenage romance on the shore. If only I had named my horny heroine Snooki, instead of Centropomi.

Teenage Stewardesses in Peril, 1990 -- Teenage! Stewardesses! Peril! Enough said, except I should mention the long forgotten Japanese soldiers!

Glory Days - Books I Writed - Part 1

I found these in a box in my mom's attic. Before this blog, before National Lampoon, before Uncle Melon -- I used to be a real writer.

Starfleet Commanders Kick Ass, c. 1984 - This sold well but then I had to give all the money to Gene Roddenberry's estate.

Golf With Grandpa, 1991 -- The New York Times Book Review said, and I quote, "There's A River Runs Through It, Tuesdays with Morrie, and then there's this piece of..." Pretty high praise for yours truly. I didn't have to give any of the money back. It's still in an old pair of jeans.

My Penis Your Destination, 1992 - Arnold Schwartznegger was going to option it but then he didn't.

Alabama's Own Statue of Liberty

Alabama has its own Statue of Liberty. It's in Birmingham. Not a gift from France but from the founder of the Liberty National Life Insurance Company -- which makes it better than the Yankee one. It's also better because it's smaller. You can take dramatic photos of it being dwarfed by the American flag. You can not do this with the Yankee statue unless you built a flagpole that was a mile long and took a photo from a helicopter.

Secret Agent Maxwell Smart, upon seeing the Birmingham statue said, "That's the second biggest Statue of Libery I've ever seen." And he was right.

Sadly, the Tea Party held a good old fashioned Statue Toppling and Book Burning yesterday.

The Daughters of the Confederacy provided refreshments. Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann, the candidate with the highest rating with respect to immigration (NumbersUSA gave her an Excellent for "Oppose Amnesty" and a full KKK rating for "Hatred/Racist") was in attendance. Though she was busy firing an automatic weapon into the air, she was kind enough to give us a quote, "About darn time, I don't know who I hate more the Mexicans, the French or them New York, edumacated women that think they're better than me."

Here's the inscription from Alabama's Statue of Liberty.

Is Chris Christie Too Fat to be President?

The pundits at Fox News are claiming that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is too fat to be President of the United States.

Can a really fat guy be President of the United States? I dunno, let's ask former President William Howard Taft...




Oh wait, he's too busy enjoying his retirement.


What' so terrible about a really fat guy being president? Bill O'Reilly says that Governor Christie is weak and lacking in discipline.


Governor Christie disagreed... until I offered him an Oreo cookie -- then he agreed to agree. For two Oreo cookies he fixed a couple of parking tickets and gave me a free helicopter ride. For a Mallomar, he said I could have his wife, Snooki and Joe Piscopo for a few hours while he ate dinner. Sadly, I did not have a Mallomar.

Fat and skinny had a race
Fat fell down and broke his face
Skinny basically reneged on every campaign promise and has turned out to be either the biggest, ineffectual pussy since Jimmy Carter or more conservative than Hillary Clinton and I can't believe all the time I wasted working for that lying skinny-ass douchebag.

In conclusion, is Chris Christie too fat to be president? No, but he is too much of a rightwing nutjob elitist scumbag that has fucked over every decent person in New Jersey that isn't a fucking multi-millionaire. And he still has two more years...

UPDATE

Make that 4 more years.  Chris Christie is the new George W. Bush.  He effortlessly fakes that he is a regular guy when he is the farthest thing from it.  He is an elitist scumbag but he is very, very charming on camera. 

Be frightened people.  All he needs is a Karl Rove and he will fuck us all over with a smirk and another slice of pie.

My Dick Discusses The Debt

Today's guest blogger is a frequent contributor of insightful posts and unsightly stains, my dick.

Saturday night I tried to see Moneyball but it was sold out so I went to see The Debt. This made my dick very happy. While my dick likes Brad Pitt, it turns out that it really, really likes the redhead in The Debt, Jessica Chastain. Not only is she gorgeous and sexy and skilled in the martial arts-- she also kills Nazis which was a huge, unexpected turn on.


I wanted to be the guy that impregnates her then lies in bed with her naked for nine months feeding her my homemade rugulach (which is really easy to make in a food processor but really impresses hot Jewish chicks).


This movie takes place in Berlin in 1966 and Israeli in 1999. Young Rachel is played by Jessica the smoking hot redhead of my dreams. Old Rachel is played by Helen Mirren. This was easily understood. There was only one female Jew in Berlin in 1966 and she had a large, hideous scar on her right cheek. When Helen Mirren shows up with a large, hideous scar on her right cheek, my dick had no problem figuring out who she was. Unfortunately, my dick is not the smartest organ in my body despite the fact that I have often been been accused of thinking with it.


In 1966, there are two male Jews that want to capture a Nazi and bang the hot redhead of my dreams. One is a square-faced, pale-skinned, Irish looking Jew and the other guy is a long, thin-faced, swarthy looking Jew with thick black hair. Both handsome, both Jewish, but they couldn't look less alike. Polar opposites.

In 1999, there are two old male Jews that are interacting with Old Rachel. One is square-faced, pale-skinned and Irish looking and the other is... just guess, I'm not typing all that out again.

Except that they switched. Somehow, thirty years later the Irish guy went swarthy and the swarthy guy went pale. What the fuck!?!

Worst casting ever!!! Why would you painstakingly recreate Cold War Berlin then cast the exact wrong actors in the corresponding roles!?!

I thought that the loss of blood from my brain during all the gynecological scenes may have left me confused so I asked the guy next to me. He was just as befuddled. IMDB confirmed it.

Stupid movie. However, the next time I go to the Carnegie Deli I'm ordering a Rachel sandwich, hold the meat. I'll supply the pastrami, dankeschön.

Cut Off by a Lover of Jesus

Warning! The following post is a rant. It contains lots of f-words and is not funny.


This morning I was cut-off by an asshole with a Jesus fish on his car. I'm not talking about a slight, sorry but I didn't see you cut-off. I'm talking about a narrowly escaped a five car pileup I had to slam on my brakes so hard that now I'm going to have to replace them six months earlier kind of cut off.

Where the fuck does a good Christian have to go so badly at 5:40 AM that he's willing to risk my life?

Because if Jesus was driving that fucking Toyota minivan on the New York State Thruway at 5 fucking 40 in the morning, I think he may have used his left hand turn signal and waited for an appropriate time to change lanes-- regardless of his urgency. But what do I know? I'm not a fucking Born Again Christian.

Just in case I missed the subtle Jesus Fish, Mr. Turn the Other Cheek While I Ram my Toyota Sienna Up Your Ass had a hot pink bumper sticker proclaiming his love for Jesus for all the world to see. Thanks a lot Dickhead! Now, I know who to hate.

I'm glad you love Jesus. You know what I love? I love masturbating.

But I don't slap a fucking bumper sticker on the back of my car so I can feel better than you.

Look, God knows that I rarely honored my mother and father, I often covet my neighbor's wife and I love to take the Lord's name in vain -- but you know what I don't do? I don't risk another person's life because I'm late for fucking church.

Throwback Thursday - My First Wife, Sarah Silverman

That's me and my first wife Sarah Silverman entertaining the neighbors and their kids.

I like to think that in an alternate universe I'm married to Sarah Silverman...

...and it's 1967.
...and she likes to pee on me.
...and we're thinking about swinging with the neighbor sitting all the way on the left.
...and in two years I'm going to buy season tickets at Shea Stadium.

Strangely, I look about as happy in my alternate universe as I do in my real universe...

...and my hair looks worse.

I stole this photo from Retropace. Go visit, there's lots of great stuff!

More Yankee Hate

John Sterling the despicable, unlistenable, makes Phil Rizutto sound like Vince Scully-able, radio announcer for the Yankees makes these personalized homerun calls that suck.

Some examples:

Nick Swisher - He's swishilicious (kid you not)
Curtis Granderson - The Grandy Man can! THE Grandy Man can!

and the alltime worse...

Jason Giambi - The Giambino! This is proof that 1.) there is no God (because if there was, He would allow Babe Ruth to rise from his grave and rip John Sterling into a hundred little pieces) and that 2.) all Yankee fans are idiots.

So, the Yankees have this new guy whose even better than Joba Chamberlain (remember him?) and almost as fat, Jesus Montero.

Sterling needs to come up with a personalized home run call because the guy is going to hit 61 homeruns in September.

I sent Sterling a tweet and suggested:

"It is high, it is far, it is gone. Another homerun for Jesus! Christ, that sonofabitch can hit!"

He went with:

"Hey Zeus, is loose."

The Yankees suck on so many levels.

I've been a Yankee hater ever since they dissed Hank Greenberg. Here's some proof:
What Does Andy Pettitte Do Behind His Glove?
The George Steinbrenner Plaque is SO BIG...
Derek Cheater! So help me, Jeter
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - A Tampa Bellhop Remembers The Boss
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - It Happened in an Elevator
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Derek Jeter, Gulf Coast League Rookie
The Best George Steinbrenner Stories - Mickey Mantle, Billy Martin and a Cow
George Steinbrenner - May You Burn in Hell...
A-Rod the Centaur Part 2
Alex Rodriguez the Centaur
Derek Jesus Christ for MVP
Yankee Memorabilia for Sale
Our Baseball God is an Ironic God: Joba the Slut Pitches on Mother's Day

There's more but my mouse hand got tired.

CGI My Wife, Please

Peter Jackson has Golem. James Cameron has his beloved Avatars. And now, Judd Apatow has his wife, Leslie Mann.




I just found out that Judd Apatow is filming a bunch of nude scenes with his wife -- only her naughty bits are all going to be CGI.

Makes for a funny Judd Apatow scene.

Judd Apatow looks over the shoulder of the CGI guy.

"Can you make them a little bigger... bigger... bigger... good.

Now the nipples, erect, more erect, more, now put those little bumps on them, more, more, more. What the heck? Let's put a pair of puffies on those bad girls.

Wow, sorry. You got a roll of paper towels?"

Wait, we can be funnier.

Judd Apatow looks over the CGI guy's shoulder.

"What have you got for me, Bobby?

Hmmm, can you deflate them both about 40%? No, give them some sag, make 'em really deflated. Good. Now, make the right nipple bigger and the left one shouldn't be so round. It looks more like a gorilla's nose,with dimples and kind of wrinkled. Give it a few coarse, black hairs. Excellent.

How about some freckles and a rash in the cleavage. Nice. Make the rash redder, redder, redder. Okay, almost there. Can we do sweat? Good. Put some sweat glistening underneath."

"Perfect."

"Now, does this thing have a nag button?"

Rise of the Beneath of the Planet of the Apes Part Two

Caesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes!!! You know, if I was a scientist like James Franco, and I was the stepfather of a super-intelligent ape, I would name him Gandhi.

It wouldn't make for much of a movie.

Frieda Pinto: "Hey Jim, what's Gandhi doing today?"
Me: "Oh, he's downtown sitting in the square not eating, again."
Frieda Pinto: "Great. If you're not busy this afternoon how about we have lots of great sex."
Me: "Okay."

Actually, my movie is sounding better and better.


Photoshop Notes (Just in case Hilary wants to use my ape photo) - Those are Gandhi's actual glasses stolen from wikipedia and cleaned up a little. And that's a baby bonobo. In the original Planet of the Apes, the gorillas were the army guys, the orangutangs were the Weasleys, the chimps were the scientists, and the bonobos were the hedge fund managers. For a free UncleMelon t-shirt, what were the gibbons?

More Wall Street Journal Humor - St. Patrick's Day, Leprechaums, But No Irish Jokes Please

This is a repeat from March 17, 2010. I've got deadlines people.

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.


It's St. Patrick's Day! Every morning DJ, every local TV anchor, every a-hole at work is dusting off the Irish jokes and getting a laugh -- except the Wall Street Journal. You have to work really, really hard not to be funny with a setup involving two leprechauns and a gigantic mushroom, on St. Patrick's Day. We can never accuse the Wall Street Journal of not working hard.

Am I the only person that expects Fred and Wilma Leprehaun to walk out of that mushroom house? And do leprechauns live in mushrooms or do they just sit on them?


When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

And today's winner so far is:

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch. Note: There are a bunch of these cartoon rips so just scroll on down.

My Charlie Sheen Jesus Bit Stolen!!!

This guy stole my Charlie Sheen Jesus bit!!!

Not just the image, which would be hard to bitch about since I "borrowed" the original photo, but the entire bit. The words, the words I thought up.

Of all the thousands of bits I've written, this shitty bit gets stolen.

Jesus, and I'm talking to all 5 of You, please make this guy's liver rot. Thanks in advance.

Charlie Sheen is Bigger than Jesus

On Wednesday, Charlie Sheen joined twitter. One day later he has one million followers. Those are Jesus Christ numbers! If he keeps acting psychotic and hate-filled on camera, in a year he'll have 365 million followers (I used to be good at math in school). You know that the old white men in the Vatican are shaking in their boots or slippers or Nikes or whatever they wear.

According to Google, there are five Jesus Christs with twitter accounts. This is an amazingly small number. Why there are at least six guys at my job that think they are Jesus Christ and one of them is an accountant.

These Jesus Christs have two things is common. First, they are pretty lazy. I would expect at least a tweet a day from Jesus. How hard can it be to quote yourself? Hell, Pat Robertson tweets twenty times a day and he's only God's second cousin on His mother's side. Second, they are all trying very hard to be funny. Jesus is known for a lot of things -- but a sense of humor? Not the funniest guy at the seder table I'm sure.

Let's review the work of all the Jesus Christs in an effort to determine who is the real Jesus amongst them. Let me clarify, there are five Jesus Christs on Twitter in english. God blessed America for a reason. I'm not sifting through all the Jesus Christs on Twitter in Aramaic.

In Reverse Order of Googality

Jesus H. Christ has only 1,904 followers and only eight tweets total from back in April of 2007.
Best Tweet - Solved that Sudoku. In case you were wondering.

Rating - Poser

King of the Jews has 16,881 followers but is following 15,640! Not a good ratio for the Son of God. One of the people He's following is a 15 year old kid from Ireland that only tweets about Taylor Swift.
Best Tweet - Welcoming Ronnie James Dio with open arms, man was that guy surprised to see me.

Rating - Wannabe Jesus



Jesus Christ was propably first because he has the best name, Jesus Underscore Christ. I capitalized the underscore because above all I'm respectful. Unfortunately, He lists his home as Idaho and has only 8,806 followers.

Best Tweet - Jesus needs small indie girls to escort his reincarnation around Spokane.

Rating - Poser, but the next time I'm in Spokane, we gonna hang.

Jesus has 275,336 followers. Not Charlie Sheen numbers but not bad.

Best Tweet - I drive a Dodge Stratus.

Rating - Possible

Most popular according to google, Jesus M. Christ has 191,708 followers and is only following 40. But one of those 40 is Mr. Charlie Sheen.

And he's number 1 on Jesus' speed dial. Did I just hear the entire Vatican Council shudder? Jesus M. Christ is the funniest of all the Jesuses in a Jimmy Kimmel sort of way and seems to be in love with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers. Jesus is supposed to love everyone so maybe I'm just reading something into this.

Best Tweet - The people of Sodom and Gomorrah think Charlie Sheen has been a bit over the top.

Rating - Possible

Being only half-Christian, I can't tell which of the possible Jesuses is the real Jesus. If you're better qualified post a comment or send me an e-mail. All hate mail should be sent here.

Conservatively, if you add the two best Jesuses together, you're only talking a half a day of work for the out-of-work Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen bigger than Jesus? Yes.